INFENSE

The Mennonite Menace

2011-06-23T01:11:00.009+09:30

An Amish man has been arrested for sending lewd text messages.

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;lt&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;lt&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;;a &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;href&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;="http://video.news.com.au/2017707205/Amish-man-caught-in-sexting-sting"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;VIDEO: Amish man caught in &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;sexting&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt; sting&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;lt&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;lt&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/span&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

I think he was arrested not only because he sent lewd messages but also because he's Amish and therefore he is not meant to use mobile phones... I have seen many a film where Amish people have been stereotyped so I can talk about this with some authority. Surely you remember "For Richer or Poorer" - it was a bit like Sister Act but without the singing...and the humour...and the box office takings...

But just how backward are the Amish these days? Apparently quite a few Amish people now have telephones, which means that your Amish friends can now be used as a phone-a-friend lifeline on Who Wants to be a Millionaire... And as you can see from the video their horse-drawn carts are quite modern (if you ignore the fact that they are drawn by horses...)

Call me old-fashioned, (or Amish which is potentially the same thing...) but I liked it when Amish people couldn't and wouldn't do things like...um...act like normal people and.... um...go online and read rubbish like this blog for example.

Read more about the Amish way of life here

Metal grins are a sin.

2011-05-26T16:42:00.006+09:30

Regular readers of this blog will have noticed that (A): They have too much time on their hands and will read any old crapola as a form of work-avoidance and (B): That I have previously blogged about the Australian Tax Office 100th Anniversary 20 cent commemorative coin which implies (C) I have FAR TOO MUCH time on my hands...

Well brace yourself readers because another 20 cent coin has been minted/munted. As you can see below this new coin commemorates the marriage of Prince William to that 'commoner' Kate.

While it does seem a little retrograde that Australia is commemorating a wedding in England between two non-Australians, my main problem with the coin is the inept an unattractive depictions of Will and Kate on the coin. The pictures on the minted coin look nothing like them. It is as though the Mint asked some unskilled hack, like myself, to knock up the coin during a double metal-work lesson between recess and lunch.

I think the main problem is that the designer chose to depict Kate and Will with open mouths and therefore was required to depict teeth; most numismatic portraits feature closed mouths and for good reason: Kate and Will manage to look both skeletal and demonic with their toothy coiny grins. As anyone who had fillings in their teeth would appreciate - metal and teeth don't look good together.

I suggest that you look out for the coin because the true hideousness of the teeth can only be appreciated in 3D. And when you see how bad it is you will smile. Just don't mint that smile. 'Cos it won't look good.

Plane speaking

2011-05-02T13:52:00.003+09:30

I received an email at work informing me that the departmental plane is available for use.

"Based at Port X, the 2008 Cessna 206H craft is an invaluable resource. What you
might not know is that it’s readily available to this department and other
government departments for business solutions."

Business solutions?

I think the word they was looking for is 'flights.' The plane is available for flights. Not business solutions.

Why do people use such wank words?

Tickling your fanny bone...

2011-04-05T16:03:00.003+09:30

Wikipedia's Article of the Day was about the Cock Lane Ghost in London. Here is the precis of the page emailed to me.

Fanny scratching in 18th-century London's Cock Lane was so notorious that interested bystanders often blocked the street. It became the focus of a religious controversy between Methodists and orthodox Anglicans, and was reported on by celebrities of the period such as Samuel Johnson. Charles Dickens referred to the phenomenon in several of his books, including Nicholas Nickleby and A Tale of Two Cities, and other Victorian authors also alluded to it in their work. One enterprising resident diverted the crowds that gathered in Cock Lane by allowing them to converse with a ghost he claimed was haunting his home, to which he charged an entrance fee. Fanny scratching eventually resulted in several prosecutions, and the pillorying of a father for encouraging his 11-year-old daughter to take part.

Bizarre.

Please disinfect after viewing

2011-03-09T14:27:00.006+10:30

This week I received an invitation to an “art exhibition of delicately embroidered images of viruses at a cellular level.”

To repeat: Embroidered. Images. Of. Viruses.

Viruses!

I imagine that I was not the only invitee who thought this was a bit bizarre and very, very random!

They are rather nice though…

I think the invite should have led with “Sorry to 'bug' you but are you free to…?”

Just a thought...

Iran threatens to boycott the 2012 Olympics

2011-03-06T20:59:00.008+10:30

Iran's Olympic committee has threatened that Iran will boycott the 2012 London Olympics because the 2012 logo spells out the word "Zion," a biblical term widely recognized to refer to the city of Jerusalem in Israel a country Iran has a few issues with...

Here is the logo.

The logo is, allegedly, a stylised representation of the four numbers in '2012' the year the games will be held.

I don't know who is more delusional - the Iranian Olympic Committee or the committee that chose thought this logo was worthy of being used for the London Olympics...

In other news the Jerusalem Chapter of Wimmin For Gender-neutral Language have girl-cotted Iran's boycott due to the use of the oppressive paternalism 'boycott'. Their spokesperson Sandy Merkin declared "that the irrational hatred of the wimmin of Iran must be heard."

The Sea the Sea-D.

2011-01-12T14:43:00.004+10:30

Around the World Yachts-teen-person Jessica Watson has released an album through Sony. Thankfully she is not singing and thankfully it is not a recording of whale calls she heard as she bobbed around the oceans. The album is called (deep breath) "Jessica Watson: Songs from the Pink Lady - The Music That Accompanied Jessica Around The World" so it is essentially a CD of songs some teenager likes.

So many questions...but I will just pose one.

Who would buy this??

My Twenty Cents Worth...

2011-01-11T14:42:00.000+10:30

Australia has a new commemorative 20 cent piece. 'Ooh', you must be thinking, it must be celebrating the anniversary of a defining moment in our country's history or perhaps to honour some worthy dignitary or even a selfless volunteer group that's donated time and money to helping others.

WRONG!

The coin commemorates the 100th anniversary of the Australian Taxation Office.

What's next - a coin to celebrate the anniversary of the GST?

Why would they mint this? Who really cares?

The coin does not even have the benefit of being aesthetically pleasing. It looks as though it has tape-worms crawling over it...

I should think that considering it is honouring the Tax Office the 20 cent coin should only be worth about 12 cents...

Weird Books make excellent Kris Kringle presents!

2010-12-20T15:32:00.009+10:30

Struggling for Christmas presents at the last minute? Might I suggest one of the following fascinating and weirdly-titled books?

Why Do I Vomit?

What Not to Wear on a Horse

What Moles Tell You About Yourself

teach your WIFE to be a WIDOW:

A wise and comprehensive guide book for all wives prudent enough to prepare for that time when they may become head of the family.

How to Start your own Country

SOAP through the ages

The Popular Book of British Seaweeds

(which makes me wonder how dull the 'unpopular' Book of British Seaweeds must have been...)

The Great Pantyhose Crafts Book

Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Mind Power:

How to Use the Other 90 % of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts

Make Your Own Sex Toys:

30 Quick and Easy Projects with Step-by-Step Pictures. A Personal Guide to a Better Sex Life.

(WTF? Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! )

Jewish Chess Masters on STAMPS

This must have been the sequel to 'Finnish Poker Champs on COINS'

The Humanure Handbook:

A guide to composting human manure.

Forensic Examination of Rubber Stamps

Erotic Dots:

Join the Dots to Create 69 Sexy and Exciting Pictures

(Hilarious! I want to see a porno Paint by Numbers next!)

Who Cares About Old People

The Recently Deflowered Girl:

The Right Thing to Say on Every Dubious Occasion

Remember Your Rubbers!:

Collectible Condom Containers - with values.

(This book comes in it's own slipcase...)

Castration: The Advantages and Disadvantages

(This version is complete and unabridged... :P)

Cadaver Dog Book:

Forensic Training and Tactics for the Recovery of Human Remains

(Apparently the working title for the book was FETCH!)

The Beverly Hillbillies Bible Study

(I'm offering a prize to anyone who can tell me what this book could possibly be about)

Anticraft:

Knitting Beading and Stitching for the Slightly Sinister

All About Scabs

and finally..................

50 Ways to Use Feminine Hygiene Products in a MANLY MANNER (for the Self-Assured Male)

Empowering Decorative Mannequins

2010-11-04T15:42:00.003+10:30

So I was trawling through the internet for a new job when I came across this advertisement which made me laugh and then disturbed me a little…
(I have emboldened the funny bits…)

Elaine Adams is an Adelaide based company that specialists in residential and commercial cleaning services. We recently rebranded to have the Company Director's name at the forefront of the business; with the main reason being that she became so proud of the company that she wanted to put her name on it. After breaking away from also specialising in decorative mannequins we began focusing on our cleaning services to the Adelaide community.

It is our strong belief that we should help the world through the empowerment of volunteers. As a result, we have recently commenced the Elaine Adams Volunteer Program (EAVP) which aims to empower volunteers to gain more experience and skills in the business world. Through a mutual agreement we hope that by providing us with your skills we can forward them and/or give you more to take away with you when you leave the team.

As a result of our rebranding and company restructing we are seeking a
Marketing Officer. This new and exciting position is not only flexible, but informative and full of learning objectives.

It was advertised on gumtree. It must surely be dodgy. But it sure is amusing.

I am tired of getting 'Knocked Up'

2010-09-27T15:34:00.001+09:30

It is Monday. I wish I was not at work. I wish I was at home, sleeping. I have not felt this tired since, well, at least last Monday…

I am knackered, dog-tired, bone-tired, I’m beat, burned out, dead on my feet, drained, drooping, droopy, drowsy, flagging, haggard, pooped, spent, plum tuckered out. I’m worn out. It is surprising that people who are apparently so tired have the energy to create so many euphemisms and synonyms to indicate just how tired they are.

But let me tell you about my favourite ‘feeling tired’ euphemism which amused me as a teenager. My step-grandfather, whenever my Grandmother was worn out, would say that she was ‘knocked up’. Considering that getting ‘knocked up’ is a euphemism for falling pregnant my sisters and I found quiet comical. If my grandmother was enduring a particularly taxing outing my step-grandfather would say that he better get her home before “she gets knocked-up” which would provoke my sisters and me to arch eyebrows, smirk and sometimes squeal with laughter.

Another source of amusement in those days came from the fact that my grandmother slept with my Uncle. Don’t be too aghast! Let me explain… When my grandmother began ‘stepping out’ with the man who was to become my step-grandfather I was encouraged to call him ‘Uncle’, seemingly because it was not ‘proper’ for a child to address an adult by their first name. However, by the time that they married the name had stuck which led to some strange and worried looks on the faces of my friends’ mothers when I would blithely announce that my grandmother and my uncle were married to each other and slept in the same bed… .

Bagging the PM

2010-09-23T15:37:00.006+09:30

Australia's first female Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, won, if that is the word for such a knife-edge result, the first election ever contested by a female leader of a major political party. This was another milestone moment to please the hearts of the socially progressive (statistics show that female Premiers elected by the party room between elections have not been so lucky come polling day.)

Despite winning the election the Prime Minister has clearly still not won the right to rid herself of The Australian newspaper’s regressive, taunting scrutiny. Glenda Korporaal’s post election-result article ‘Julia enjoys the high life free of old bags’ is dedicated to the fact that the Prime Minister is rarely seen with a handbag. The writer, and the newspaper she works for, clearly considers this to be an issue worthy of mention and discussion.

The articles states that most woman carry handbags and infers that the PM considers herself to be apart, perhaps better, than the average Australian woman because she does not tote a bag. “There is an air of royalty about her that assumes someone else is following along answering the phone, parking the car, taking notes and paying for whatever needs to be paid for.” I do not recall seeing any of this country’s male Prime Minister’s carrying a briefcase, satchel or manbag. I do not recall bewildered articles in newspapers commenting on this fact and the existence of assistants employed to ‘assist’ them when they had held the office of most important public servant in the country.

The ‘journalist’ also uses the piece to snidely reference Julia Gillard’s childless state “it is certain our first female Prime Minister has never had to go through the tote-bag-as-mobile-nursery routine that is the lot of mothers of young children.”

What has raising a child got to do with carrying a handbag, and what does carrying a handbag, or not, got to do with running a country?

And more importantly what does writing articles like this have to do with journalism?

Frogging the memory

2010-09-23T12:04:00.005+09:30

From my office window I watch people trying to cross the four lanes of traffic travelling in both directions on the road below. It is a bit like watching someone else play a game of Frogger.

Not being at the controls of the arcade game is nerve-wracking because some people seem to dawdle across the road oblivious to the on-coming traffic. Other people, usually teenagers, duck and weave through the traffic like Frogger maestros. I just hope that I am not looking out the window one day when it is GAME OVER for one of the players on the street below.

Thinking about playing Frogger as a child reminds me that much of my childhood was associated with frogs. My favourite chocolate was a frog-shaped chocolate, the Cadbury Freddo Frog,

my favourite computer game was Frogger, my favourite character on the Muppets was Kermit the Frog

and my favourite book was Kenneth Grahame's The Wind in the Willows where the main character was Toad

(yes, I know, not truly a frog but close enough surely especially considering he was so often represented as being more froggy than toady).

I am at a loss to explain why 1980’s children grew up in a world disproportionately filled with green tailless amphibians. But why explain it when you can simply embrace it?

I still love eating Freddo frogs. I considered it, and still do consider it, the greatest indulgence to eat a Freddo. When I was young the Freddo was a parentally approved special treat; apparently its small size would not ruin my appetite or my physique. Every year I purchased the Freddo show bag at the Royal Show and I would cherish the Freddo toy that came with it. Sure it was all crap – but it was Freddo crap and that made it special.

Whenever we dined at the Red Apple Restaurant (sigh! How I miss thee!) I would order Frog in the Pond for dessert, that is, a Freddo frog standing proudly in a pond of green jelly. Heaven in a bowl for a five year old. As a child I ordered a Semifreddo dessert at another restaurant and spent the rest of the meal trying to not let my parents see the disappointed look on my face as I searched in vain amongst the custardy cream mixture to locate the half of a chocolate frog I had ordered – and been promised!

Obvious news

2010-09-22T10:16:00.002+09:30

So glad they added that it was 'against the law' otherwise I would have thought it was a story about legal-illegal camping.

Courtesy of Media Watch

Those Nazi muscle groups

2010-09-22T00:27:00.000+09:30

Old conversation with a friend about the pain his body is experiencing due to his exercise regimen.

Josh: I've been working out 6 days a week, doing opposite work loads on alternate days

David: Ok.

Josh: I didn't have a problem last week. So I am unsure why it is hurting now

David: maybe your muscle groups have formed an Axis-style coalition against you

Josh: hahaha

David: ve protest in zee strongest possible manner against ure phzeeical regeeme

Josh: lol

David: ve vill not stand for zhis - hell ve can barely even seeet

Them ones' spellen misteaks

2010-09-10T10:11:00.004+09:30

Two people sent emails to me with grammatical errors today.

Firstly I was informed that…

A list of the boards are provided below.

List is singular! It should be ‘is provided below’ And let's not forget that apostrophe for the boards i.e. boards'.

And then a senior legal officer sent me this asking…

What is there status? Their status!! That phrase would only work if I was a Roman named Status during the time of the Caesars and my questioner was asking, “Why go to Adelaide for a holiday? What is there, Status?

Not to mention the fact that the stationery cupboard’s name is Stationary Cupboard.

Breathe deeply David. Breathe deeply.

Up Urs! (ula)

2010-08-30T10:37:00.003+09:30

This work email amused me…. I think there is a word missing.

_____________________________________________
As we get acclimatised to working within our new divisions, just a small point that Ursula has asked me to pass on re communication processes.

· if you get a direct request from an ED or the CE, please put the draft written response back through me. This will need to go up Ursula.

_____________________________________________

Ouch! Poor Ursula!

Now that's a Paper Cut!

Song of the Week - Election Special

2010-08-12T14:41:00.005+09:30

It's Song of the Week time.

The federal election campaign continues and on August 21 we will have to choose between political candidates who are all singing the same tune:

“Would I Lie to You?”

But in the spirit of the election I am giving you the choice of either the Eurythmics or the Charles and Eddie versions of songs titled “Would I Lie to You?”

Exercise your democratic right and tell me which song you prefer!

(includes obligatory high-drama 80’s music-video intro)

Eurythmics

Lyrics

CHORUS:
Would I lie to you?
Would I lie to you honey?

Now would I say something that wasn't true?
I'm asking you sugar
Would I lie to you?

My friends - know what's in store.
I won't be here anymore.
I've packed my bagsI've cleaned the floor.
Watch me walkin'.
Walkin' out the door.

(Believe me - I'll make it make it)

CHORUS

Tell you straight - no intervention.
To your face - no deception.
You're the biggest fake.
That much is true.
Had all I can take.
Now I'm leaving you

(Believe me - I'll make it make it)

CHORUS repeats

My friends - know what's in store.
I won't be here anymore.
I've packed my bags
I've cleaned the floor.
Watch me walkin'.
Walkin' out the door.

CHORUS

Charles and Eddie

Lyrics

Oh baby oh would I lie to you?
Look into my eyes
Can't you see they're open wide
Would I lie to you?

CHORUS
Look into my eyes
Can't you see they're open wide
Would I lie to you baby?
Would I lie to you??...oh yeah
Don't you know it's true
Girl there's no-one else but you
Would I lie to you baby?
Would I lie to you?

Everybody wants to know the truth
In my arms is the only proof
I've hidden my heart behind the bedroom door
Now it's open I can't do no more
I'm telling you baby...
You will never find another girl in this heart of mine

CHORUS

Everybody's got their history
on every page - a mystery
You can read my diary you're in every line
jealous mind never satisfied
I'm telling you baby...
You will never find another girl in this heart of mine

CHORUS

When you wanna see me night and day (would I lie?)
If I tell you that I'm here to stay (would I lie to you?)
Do you think I give my love away? (would I lie?)
That's not the kind of game I play
I'm telling you baby...
You will never find another girl in this heart of mine

CHORUS

Trust me baby
Hey aint no-one else but you child
Come on, Come on, Come on...
Trust me babyI wouldn't lie to you baby

---------------
Random facts:

Eurythmics’ song was released 25 years ago (1985) and only made it as high #17 in the UK, #5 in the US but it was #1 in Australia.

The Charles and Eddie song was released in 1992 and reached #13 in the US but #1 in the UK and Australia. It was knocked from the #1 spot by Whitney Huston’s I Will Always Love You

Charles and Eddie were American. Charles died of cancer in 2001 aged 37. Eddie wrote songs for 90’s British girl group Eternal

All the Swinging Voters - Election Beyonce parody

2010-08-03T15:50:00.003+09:30

All the swinging voters, all the swinging voters
All the swinging voters, all the swinging voters
All the swinging voters, all the swinging voters
All the swinging voters

Now put your hands up
Up in the booth, I just voted
I’m doing my own little thing
Decided my vote and I’m gonna stick
Cause no other party seduced me

I’m up on Tony, But not on Bob
Why don’t we pay him any attention?
I’ve made my decision, for three more years
Ya can’t be mad at me

Cause if you liked it then you should vote 1 on it
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Don’t be mad once you see the new PM
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Oh, oh, oh

If you liked it then you should have voted 1 on it
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Don’t be mad once you see the new Cabinet
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it

PM’s got gloss on her lips, de-facto on her hips
He styles her hair, gives it that salon sheen
But leaks are up, Libs are Standing Up
This election is a close run thing.

PM ‘s on a mission, It’s Game On
The real Julia will get your attention
Cause the polls liked her at first, despite that nasal twang
but will that be enough to stop that swing?

Cause if you liked it then you should have voted 1 on it
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Don’t be mad once you see the new Cabinet
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it

Oh, oh, oh

If you liked it then you should have voted 1 on it
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Don’t be mad once you see the new Cabinet
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Oh, oh, oh

Don’t treat me to soundbites that you think I want to hear!
I’m not that kind of marginal
Your trust is what I prefer, what I deserve

New Tony’s remade, trying to fake me and
a vote for him could mean our destiny, is smuggled budgies and triathlons…
Pull me into your spin, say ‘No Workchoices’ again and again
If you don’t, you’ll be alone
And like Rudd, you’ll be gone

All the swinging voters, all the swinging voters
All the swinging voters, all the swinging voters
All the swinging voters, all the swinging voters
All the swinging voters

Now put your hands up, oh, oh, oh
Cause if you liked it then you should voted 1 on it
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Don’t be mad once you see what you have done
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it

Oh, oh, oh

If you liked it then you should have voted 1 on it
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Don’t be mad once you see the new Cabinet
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it

Oh, oh, oh

To steal by giving

2010-07-28T15:32:00.005+09:30

Dr Greg Clarke, co-founder of the Centre for Public Christianity, has written an article for News Limited's online discussion board The Punch commending the translation of the Bible into Aboriginal languages.

Surely the last thing most Aborigines need is a white man telling them about a brown man who might be trying to save them.

White man has introduced many things to Aborigines - some good, many bad. Perhaps it is time that we considered learning something from their culture

If we must translate something why not the Harry Potter series or a Kate Grenville or Tim Winton novel and not the judgmental, instructional hell and damnation of the Bible.

Have they not suffered enough!

These words are actioning my mentalisation

2010-07-27T14:40:00.004+09:30

Today I received an e-mail inviting me to attend a "dynamic and comprehensive 10 month leadership program incorporating one-on-one coaching, seminars, residentials, external networking opportunities and action learning projects."

Residentials?
Action Learning Projects?

WTF?

What does residentials mean? It is not a word. I hope that it means they will provide me with a house. If so, I would like a house with a pool, tennis court and separate area for an energetic dog. I could use the big yard for all those action learning projects I will have to complete.

And what exactly are action learning projects? That phrase is pointless. It tells me nothing. Are there inaction learning projects? The phrase is ungrammatical and a perfect example of the weasel-words beloved by governments and people-management consultants.

My suspicion is that these phrases are made up by people who have a very poor grasp of English but a very high self-regard. Clearly wankers or, as they would call themselves, personal friction facilitators.

Why Move Forward when you can be Pens and not move?

2010-07-21T15:30:00.005+09:30

In the 2010 Federal Election much has been made of Labor's Moving Forward slogan. Perhaps the Coalition's unofficial slogan, befitting their backwards-looking conservatism, is Stand Still. Be Stationary. That could explain why parents can claim for 'stationary' but apparently not pencils and rulers in the Coalition Education Tax Refund policy.

I hope Labor's Moving Forward package includes funding for much needed spelling and proofreading lessons for political staffers.

Song of the Week

2010-07-21T11:53:00.000+09:30

Song of the Week time.

We are currently enduring one of the most excruciating periods known to man, that is, an election campaign. Despite being an avowed psephologist I do not like election campaigns; call me nerdy but I just like the statistics on Election night.

I have no desire to turn the television news on or click on news.com.au and view the lies being told, the deep-seated and electorally unpopular ideologies that are being hidden and the truths that are being massaged, stretched and bent to suit the prevailing mood. I just can’t stand reading about all the promises that each side of politics makes during a campaign.

Which brings me to the timely Song of the Week…

Promises Promises
Music by Burt Bacharach lyrics by Hal David
Stage Musical Version Sung by - You’ll never guess! See below!

Lyrics

Promises, promises
I'm all through with promises, promises now
I don't know how I got the nerve to walk out
If I shout, remember I feel free
Now I can look at myself and be proud
I'm laughing out loud

Oh, promises, promises
This is where those promises, promises end
I don't pretend that what was wrong can be right
Every night I sleep now, no more lies
Things that I promised myself fell apart
But I found my heart

Oh, promises, their kind of promises, can just destroy a life
Oh, promises, those kind of promises, take all the joy from life
Oh, promises, promises, my kind of promises
Can lead to joy and hope and love
Yes, love!!

Every night I sleep now, no more lies
Things that I promised myself fell apart
But I found my heart

Oh, promises, their kind of promises can just destroy a life
Oh, promises, those kind of promises take all the joy from life
Oh, promises, promises, my kind of promises
Can lead to joy and hope and love
Yes, love!!

That linked version above is from the 1968 Musical Promises Promises.
But who was singing?? Some clues:

The performer won a Tony for Best Actor in a Musical.

He is best known to Gens X and Y for his 13 year stint on Law and Order.

That’s right – Jerry Orbach. Who knew?

No cat no sink no upload

2010-06-28T12:23:00.008+09:30

Knowing my penchant for animals a friend sent me a link to a website devoted to pictures of cats... more specifically pictures of cats in sinks, exclusively. What’s the website called? http://catsinsinks.com/ obviously. This website's 'No cat no sink no upload' policy is unusual I admit, but you have to admire men, but more likely, women willing to believe in something and fight for that belief; in this instance, the supremacy of pictures of cats in sinks. Genius.

Not a cat lover? Prefer dogs? Then look no further and welcome to http://www.beedogs.com/. This website is exclusively for pictures of dogs dressed in bee costumes.

But this is not just any random dogs-dressed-as-bees website. NoSireeBob it is not. In fact here’s a quote from the website making this point clearly:

“Beedogs.com is the premier online repository for pictures of dogs in bee costumes.”

“Premier online repository” - That is quite an achievement considering how many ‘dogs-dressed-as-bees’ websites there must be out there… Sarcasm aside, I want this doggy.

You know that old saying about dogs and their owners looking like each other? Check this out...

I'm betting this woman is single. And if she is not I bet her partner wishes she was...

I am Woman (well our Prime Minister is)

2010-06-24T16:53:00.006+09:30

In honour of Australia’s first female Prime Minister Julia Gillard, pictured at her swearing-in ceremony today, the Song of the Week has to be I am Woman, the powerful, emotive feminist anthem written and performed by another successful Australian woman, Helen Reddy.

2010 has been a big year for the song, written in 1971. The song featured in Sex and the City 2 (it was sung by the cast members when visiting a culture with questionable women's rights) and was also played during the Oscars Ceremony when Kathryn Bigelow became the first woman to win Best Director.

With I am Woman Helen Reddy was the first Australian to have a #1 single in the United States and the first Australian to win a Grammy Award.

I am Woman
By Helen Reddy

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

CHORUS

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything

I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

FADE
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

---

It is such an empowering song that I almost wish I was a woman so I could sing it without getting my gender confused.

On the Road Again

2010-06-17T16:03:00.001+09:30

Hi all,

Song of the Week time.

Today is Moving Day! I am moving to my fourth government department in less than two years. My stationery, files and Tintin posters are packed into boxes and I am waiting for someone wearing King Gees or Stubbies to move them to Victoria Square for me.

How naïve I was to think my peripatetic work life might cease when I scored a permanent job. HA! Instead I am… On the Road Again…

On the Road Again
by Willie Nelson

The song title is appropriate but if you read the lyrics Willie seems a bit happier with being ‘on the road’ than me…(that might be due to his marijuana intake though)

On the road again
Just can't wait to get on the road again
The life I love is making music with my friends
And I can't wait to get on the road again

On the road again
Goin' places that I've never been
Seein' things that I may never see again
And I can't wait to get on the road again

On the road again
Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway
We're the best of friends
Insisting that the world keep turning our way and our way

Is on the road again
I just can't wait to get on the road again
The life I love is making music with my friends
And I can't wait to get on the road again

On the road again
Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway
We're the best of friends
Insisting that the world keep turning our way and our way

Is on the road again
Just can't wait to get on the road again
The life I love is making music with my friends
And I can't wait to get on the road again
And I can't wait to get on the road again

Don't worry mate. She'll be all white.

2010-06-17T15:39:00.008+09:30

Pittsworth, Queensland made headlines last month when school teacher and senior official of the Ku Klux Klan, Graeme McNeil, was jailed for helping one of his students dispose of his murdered brother's body. The defendant's KKK connection made this story front page news. It also fuelled the perception across the country that northern Queensland has a higher proportion of racist rednecks than the rest of this wonderful wide brown, but very white, land of ours.

Pittsworth 'personality' Penny McKinlay attempted to prove that there was no racism within the local high school community by saying:

“Good God! The deputy principal saved the life of a Chinese girl from drowning at the pool,” Mrs McKinlay said.

Well that puts my mind at ease.

Is there still time for Barack Obama to give his peace prize back?

Eye of the Tiger - Song of the Week

2010-06-10T16:17:00.001+09:30

One happy-happy-gay-gay fortnight ago I was feeling, “absurdly happy” and chose the 1960’s glee-filled pop classic Sunshine Lollipops and Rainbows by Lesley Gore as my Song of the Week. This week I am wallowing in the misery caused by the fact that I have been forcefully moved to another department to do a job thatI have very little interest in. The grotesquely corpulent cherry on this pie-in-the-face is that I will have to work with my least favourite colleague, an obnoxious, obese and verbose bore. A Yogi Bore in fact.

What have I done to deserve this? I keep asking myself a question that Travis asked too, Why does it always rain on me? And yes, LeAnn Rimes – I feel Blue too.

But I cannot allow my Song of the Week to assist my slide into misery. Instead I need a self-empowerment song that will inspire (and possibly delude) me. I need to be a Survivor! I need the “will to Survive.” What I need is the…

Eye of the Tiger
by Survivor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS4giqtbRBM

Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast
You change your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

Chorus:
It's the eye of the tiger,
it's the thrill of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds 'til we take to the street
For we kill with the skill to survive

Chorus

Risin' up, straight to the top
Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive

Chorus

The eye of the tiger (repeats out)...

1 For more info on my colleague Yogi Bear read my blog here http://infense.blogspot.com/2010/02/unbearable-yogi.html and here
http://infense.blogspot.com/2010/01/rise-and-fall-of-yogi-bear.html.

Irony-fisted

2010-06-01T15:34:00.005+09:30

Shadow Minister for Immigration and Citizenship, Scott Morrison, MP, is currently responsible for spruiking the opposition immigration policy that seeks to forcefully turn around the often unseaworthy boats of asylum seekers without assessing their claims for asylum. Prior to entering politics, Morrison was Managing Director of Tourism Australia and was paid handsomely to convince the world’s citizens that Australia was the best place on earth and that everyone should come visit. Oh the irony. Perhaps he just did his job too well? Morrison was Managing Director when Lara Bingle asked the infamous question, "Where the bloody hell are you?" The response "Nearly there! I am somewhere near Christmas Island" is obviously not what Morrison was looking for.

Where the bloody hell are your ethics Scott Morrison?

We've saved a spot for you, it's called Nauru.

Do you remember where you were the day that thing didn’t happen?

2010-05-31T11:36:00.003+09:30

I received a generic mass email at work today informing me that the new Minister of our department would be visiting our floor within the hour. The email said the Chief Executive will guide the Minister around the floor and introduce him to important people. The email also contained this request “Can we please ensure that our working areas are tidy for this visit” which managed to be patronising, maternal and unnecessary all at once.

My colleagues greeted the news of this walk-and-talk with the sort of excitement and enthusiasm one would expect from a monarchist housewife who had just been told the Queen was about to visit for afternoon tea and was it alright if she brought along that lovely cravat wearing host from Masterchef as well. Desks were tidied, nerves were jangled, rarely sighted ‘intelligent and industrious’ poses were rehearsed and lipstick was reapplied.

As the Minister’s arrival time drew near, my colleagues pretended to look busy, whilst intently listening for the ’ping’ noise of the elevator which heralds the arrival of someone to the floor, today the Minister, but usually a bicycle courier.

Five minutes after his arrival time had passed rumours spread around the office, “The Minister is NOT coming” followed by, “Something urgent has come up” and then finally, “Well if he is going to come, I wish he’d hurry up!” (That ‘intelligent and industrious’ pose is exhausting to maintain afterall…)

And then an email arrived in our Inboxes informing us that the Minister would not be coming. No explanation was provided, that common courtesy deemed not to be required. As the email was read, sighs of relief and disappointment echoed throughout the office. Within a minute office life returned to normal… It was as though it had never happened. Which is true, I guess, because in the end it didn’t.

05 July 2010: Deja vu. Last week I received an email saying the Minister was visiting. Today I received another email cancelling the visit.

12 July 2010: Deja vu vu. Today I received another email announcing a visit by the Minister followed by an email cancelling that visit. Unbelievable!

2010-05-24T16:31:00.000+09:30

Song of the Week time.

I am feeling absurdly happy (‘absurdly’ because there is no real reason for this. I am at work when I could be in Paris watching tennis, drinking champagne, debonairly ensconced in Prada and elegantly laughing at witty bon mots with minor European royalty. But I am not). But I digress. I am happy, therefore this week’s song is buoyant, fluffy, fruity, fun, bubbly and joyful. I defy you to listen to his and not smile a little.

The song is the 1960’s glee-filled pop classic…

Sunshine Lollipops and Rainbows
by Lesley Gore

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_v468ptuXw

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together,
Brighter than a lucky penny,
When you're near the rain cloud disappears, dear,
And I feel so fine just to know that you are mine.

My life is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
That's how this refrain goes, so come on, join in everybody!
Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
Everything that's wonderful is sure to come your way
When you're in love to stay.

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together,
Brighter than a lucky penny,
When you're near the rain cloud disappears, dear,
And I feel so fine just to know that you are mine.
My life is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
That's how this refrain goes, so come on, join in everybody!
Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
Everything that's wonderful is sure to come your way
'Cause you're in love, you're in love,
And love is here to stay!

Random facts:

· "Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows" was used in the Simpsons episode Marge on the Lam, and is currently being used by the Red Spot Boutique’s homewares TV advertisement in 2010.

· Lesley Gore is a lesbian.

· Her most famous song was “It’s My Party (And I Will Cry If I Want To) which was #1 and nominated for a Grammy (in the Rock'n'Roll category, which seems odd in these post-heavy metal days)

· She was nominated for an Oscar for a song she wrote for Irene Cara in the film Fame.

· David wishes he could get paid to do this stuff…

ABC! It's as easy as 1, 4, 3.

2010-05-20T10:58:00.007+09:30

A senior colleague sent me a Minute requesting legal advice using the following paragraph numbering sequence:

3.2

3.3

3.3.1
3.2.1
3.3.2
3.4.1

3.4

3.4.1

3.5

-----

Inaccurate, if not inventive.

Surely this person knows that 3.3.1 should be followed by 3.3.2 which in turn should be followed by 3.3.3. Also, if there is not a 3.4.2 then there is no need for a 3.4.1. It is hardly rocket mathematics.

In the same Minute it was requested that I provide my advice within the next moth, which might be quite difficult to achieve, but then again, at least I was not given a date to complete this by…

Anyway I cannot sit here blogging all day – I need to try and trap that all important ‘next moth’.

This sentence is rooted

2010-05-13T23:52:00.003+09:30

When reading an arborist's report on the health of some local trees this sentence stood out:

There are a total of 197 individual trees identified within the audit, along with 11 further trees which had been removed some time in the past.

as opposed to those trees that had been removed some time in the future...

That’s the way the cookie crumbles…

2010-05-05T16:14:00.001+09:30

This morning I witnessed the least successful attempt to dissect a Scotch Finger biscuit ever. It was an ‘epic fail’. A pack of Arnott’s Assorted Biscuits was on the table during a meeting. A new colleague, on only his third day of work, selected a Scotch Finger biscuit and attempted to snap apart the conjoined ‘fingers’, as required by biscuit eating convention. Somehow, he managed to decimate the biscuit, scattering crumbs all over his suit pants, the desk and the carpeted floor leaving barely a stump of biscuit remaining, let alone the two majestic and moreish ‘fingers’ he was aiming for.

I think we should have fired him immediately.

Don't crumb Monday!

No swimming

2010-04-20T09:38:00.001+09:30

I received an email inviting me to attend a presentation by a professor named Jim Hendry, from Canada who is speaking about clay-rich aquitards.

Is aquitard just another name for someone who cannot swim?

;)

Yabba Dabba 'I do'

2010-04-09T15:29:00.007+09:30

A Flintstones-themed wedding was deemed newsworthy this week. The bride was dressed as Wilma, the groom Fred, and members of the official party and guests dressed as cavemen in honour of the well known 1960's cartoon.

I am not sure if I was more surprised that such a non-event made it on to the news or that someone would willingly associate their special romantic day with such an unromantic theme based on a TV show. If the Flintstones cartoon held some special significance for them, e.g. if their names actually were Fred and Wilma, or the Flintstones saved their lives somehow then it would make it easier for me to appreciate their choice. I would still think was tacky, obviously.

But at least they were not Shrek fans...

No wonder people do not want the 'gays' destroying the sanctity of marriage...they are having too much doing it themselves.

Coveting Coverture aka Chocolate and U

2010-04-06T15:57:00.003+09:30

Just last week I was reading a cooking with chocolate discussion forum in preparation for a clutch of chocolate Easter Eggs I was attempting to create. One lady, a serial poster on this forum, was becoming increasingly vehement each time she posted her comments about the utmost importance of using couveture chocolate for glossy frosting/icing on cakes. She exclusively spelled this word without the first ‘u’ (as many Americans do) i.e. ‘coverture’ which is another word entirely meaning the out-dated legal doctrine that states that the very being or legal existence of a woman is suspended during a marriage, or at least incorporated and consolidated into that of the husband: under whose wing, protection, and cover, she performs everything. Ha! There is proof I did pay attention in Law School!

So considering those two words have very different meanings imagine the pedant's smile that spread across my face when reading the following post from the same woman in response to fellow poster BoBaker27’s decision to not use couverture;

“BoBaker27 you MUST use Belgian Coverture Chocolate. It is the BEST!! My husband is just like you and says it does not really matter but what would he know I say! He does not control me!! HAHA I love Coverture”

Insert wry smile here.

Salad Cluedo: Colonel Mustard in the Back Door with the Cucumber

2010-03-31T10:30:00.003+10:30

A man from Hong Kong who was rushed to hospital with a cucumber inserted in his rear has claimed he was trying to commit suicide hari kari style. Hmmm... A likely story!

I am not convinced he wanted to die before he was caught, but quite possibly he welcomed death after he was caught...

I guess the only question to ask is: Was it suicide or merely saladincide?

-

Calling Kettle Black Pot

2010-03-23T11:43:00.002+10:30

I was asked by a Manager to write a quick informal and internal email with some legal advice. In this response I had to use the phrase ‘decontamination process’ which I accidentally typed as ‘decontaminating process’

The response I got back criticised me for this error (which was inconsequential to the advice given).

The response was:

“Pleas David wathc the correct spelling”

If I was not so unamused by this reponse I guess I would have laughed...

I have Bus Tickets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-03-22T09:49:00.002+10:30

Every month or so this girl Sarah emails the whole office with the Subject: I have Bus Tickets – there is never anything in the body of the email.

I imagine that this must mean something to all the other employees here – maybe she buys them for the office social club and gets them at a wholesale discount...(but then why does she call them Bus Tickets when they are called Metro Tickets and can also be used on trains and trams)...I personally think that maybe she is just a bit ‘special’ and everyone politely turns a blind eye to poor Sarah and her deranged emails...

From: Sarah
Sent: Tuesday, 16 March 2010 12:19 PM
To: Level 2
Subject: I have Bus Tickets

Unbearable Yogi

2010-02-16T00:03:00.002+10:30

The other day I got to work at 8.50am. The other 4 members of my team were gathered around the desk next to mine. I said hello to all of them and they all said hello back, including my ursine colleague Yogi Bear who then said

“David got all his ‘good mornings’ out in one go. That is the benefit of being the last person in to work."

Was he having a dig about me being allegedly late for work? Surely not I thought. Give Yogi the benefit of the doubt, I thought.

But then he said, "I will have to get in late tomorrow like David and do that.”

And then I just wanted to locate a bear trap...

It is legal to shoot bears right? ;)

The Jew in the Fridge

2010-02-12T10:27:00.004+10:30

Merry Fridge Cleaning Everyone! Can you believe it is the ‘second bi-monthly fridge cleaning for my office building’ already?? I must not have even noticed the Fridge Cleaning carollers singing from fridge door to door , I have not even purchased my Happy Fridge Cleaning cards and I have no idea what to buy my Fridge Kindle...

If you missed this significant event here is the email I received this morning heralding the important event:

Please be advised that this Friday 12th February (tomorrow), Cleaning Services will be conducting the second bi-monthly fridge cleaning on each floor.

Please be aware that any food (sandwiches, yoghurts etc) and containers will be thrown out on this date regardless of food used by dates. Contents that will remain 'safe' in the fridge and not thrown out are butters, sauces, milk, and jams.

Any personal items (tupperware, breads etc) and foods if you wish to keep, please remove each Friday bi-monthly cleaning date.

Kind regards

Facilities Management Helpdesk

As always ordinary office tasks take on the importance of a major event requiring planning appropriate to a major military operation. You are not invading Normandy – you are cleaning a fridge!

There are so many aspects of this email that have caused me to roll me eyes in disbelief. Bread is apparently a personal item akin to Tupperware. Bread is not personal - it’s perishable. Yogurt, regardless of the use-by date, is going to be expunged from the fridge forthwith. Seems a bit harsh. Can’t we settle our differences and get along. If yogurt is allowed to live alongside butters, sauces and jams we truly would have a multicultural fridge... I feel compelled to rescue the innocent yogurt tubs caught in the middle of this highly organised hygiene holocaust. I wonder if it is worth hiding some yogurt inside some Tupperware in an Anne Frank-in-the-attic attempt to evade the cruel clutches of the fridge-cleaning Gestapo? Similarly, in a desperate attempt to have their lives spared, bottles of Yakult could have small signs hanging from their necks reading, “We are not yogurt – we are but innocent milk infused with Dr Shirota’s special Shirota bacteria strain.”

I just hope this crisis can be resolved quicker than the explosive time a decomposing loaf of Helga’s bread was discovered on the middle shelf of the fridge, an incident forever remembered as the Middle Yeast Crisis of 2007...

Nanny McPhee and the Office Nightmare

2010-02-01T16:31:00.002+10:30

Last night I had a work-related nightmare. The frightening ghoul that disturbed my slumber came in the inelegant form of a co-worker at a previous workplace whom I had nicknamed Grey Rae. Grey Rae was so called because both her personality and dress were far from colourful. It is difficult to describe Grey Rae facially or physically without exaggerating or being unnecessarily cruel but it would not be inaccurate for me to say that she would not have looked out of place in a Breugel painting, perhaps as a peasant woman selling tubers from a barrel. In my dream Grey Rae’s features had been distorted so that she resembled, physically, a law office version of Nanny Mc Phee. Regrettably while Grey Rae had morphed into the foul warted and exuberantly nosed appearance of Nanny McPhee she did not bring with it the singular Nanny’s plucky personality and subtle charm. In my dream Grey Rae merely turned in her swivel chair towards me repeating with increasing anger and loudness, “I would never renew your contract!” I would never renew your contract! I would never renew your contract!” Hilarious! I woke up distressed until I realised that I am no longer at that job and that, regardless, Grey Rae was never in a position to negotiate my contract.

As Grey Rae is the topic of this post I cannot help but recall the image of the Grey One sitting in the asymmetrical glass office we nicknamed the penthouse. She sat staring at her computer screen with such lack of movement, intensity and concentration that to this day I am convinced that she was watching DVD’s on her computer. If she was I can assure you she was not watching a comedy...

Red-Tape Worms

2010-01-13T16:09:00.004+10:30

It is one of work life’s ironies that when attempting to reduce red tape governments and corporations are only comfortable doing this by unfurling more red tape. "Red tape," for those who live in a remote island paradise or are hotel heiresses and are unfamiliar with the term, is the derisive term to describe excessive regulation or rigid conformity to formal rules that is hinders or prevents action or decision-making.

So who do we call in when we need to cut red tape?? Apparently you bring in the lamely, and paradoxically named ‘Red Tape Champions.’ Where I work these so-called Champions have brought in new processes to make sure that we are not creating too many processes. The lack of logic makes my head hurt!

The Rise and Fall of Yogi Bear

2010-01-11T14:19:00.004+10:30

Time: Monday morning 9am
Subject: Impromptu meeting with Acting Manager
Result: Further disinterest in work and lack of respect for superiors.
Cause: See below

Within minutes of arriving at work after an unpleasantly warm walk Yogi Bear asked to have a meeting with me. As Yogi is the Acting Manager for a period of two weeks this meeting occurred in the Manager’s office, much to Yogi’s delight. During the meeting he referred to the fact he was a manager at least five times. Phrases like, “Well it is all busy busy busy when you are the manager” and “Now I have all these extra tasks because I am the manager" were falling from his lips like froth from a rabid dog.

Any conversation with Yogi turns into a Q and A session with Yogi in the role of Quiz Master. This is infuriating, regardless of whether you know the answer or not. More often than not Yogi will make a statement and then ask, “Are you following this?” in the voice and manner of a patronising carer conversing with an elderly dementia patient. What makes this incredibly infuriating is that the topics covered in his quizzes are easy to grasp and, by mere chance, concepts that I know more about than he does. Prior to today’s meeting I had long thought that Yogi himself does not know the answers to some of the questions he tests me with. Today the topic of project management was discussed in the meeting and what follows is a rough transcript of proceedings that proved my theory correct.

Yogi: So...the three constraints of Project Management.

David: *pause* Yes?

Yogi: What are they?

David: It’s a bit early on Monday morning for a test haha

Yogi: I want you to answer.

David: Seriously?

Yogi: Yes. As your manager I need to know you grasp the fundamentals David.

David: Ok. Here goes. The three constraints of project management. Firstly, Time.

Yogi: *nods*

David: Cost

Yogi: *nods*

David: (I know the very simple answer but cannot fight my urge to stir the pot) um...gee...what is it...

Yogi: Can you remember?

David: Nope. Haha. I blame Monday Morning.

Yogi: Think harder.

David: Nope. Not happening sorry. Haha. Oh well. I guess you will have to tell me.

Yogi: *silence*

David: What is it?

Yogi: *silence*

David: Ooh now I am really intrigued. What is the third constraint?

Yogi: *silence*

David: Ok well you tell me and I will write it down so I don’t forget it!

Yogi: But I asked you.

David: Yes but I do not know. And you obviously do know. Otherwise you would not have asked me! *exterior - wide-eyed innocent look, interior - devilish grin*

Yogi: *silence*

Yogi: Ok well it is probably time for us to end this meeting and get on with our work Yes? I imagine you are busy yourself – As you know I have so much work to do this week...as I am the manager.

HILARIOUS!

Working Girl

2010-01-06T14:47:00.008+10:30

When I started my new job I began receiving emails from the Women in Management Association. This occurred due to an administrative error and not because they discovered I cried during Beaches. What follows is a series of email conversations I had with Cindy from the Women in Management Association.

From: Cindy

Sent: Monday, 16 November 2009 12:08 PM

To: Women in Management Email list

Subject: Are you interested in supporting young women gain success in work and life?

Hi Everyone
I hope you all enjoyed the Women in Management meeting last week!

Please see below an email from YWCA, seeking female mentors for young women.

If you are interested, please contact me.

Regards
Cindy
_____________________________________________-
From: David

Sent: Monday, 16 November 2009 12:11 PM

To: Cindy

Subject: RE: Are you interested in supporting young women gain success in work and life?

Hello Cindy

I just noticed that I am on the Working Women email list (I presume Admin or IT copied a female colleague’s email lists when setting my email up when I began work recently).

As I am not a woman, and I am not currently considering a change to become one, I should probably not be on this list.

Can you remove me from this list?

Regards

David

_____________________________________________

From: Cindy

Sent: Monday, 16 November 2009 12:13 PM

To: David

Subject: RE: Are you interested in supporting young women gain success in work and life?

Hi David
Thanks for the notification – will take you off the list.
You are always welcome to come and join the ‘better’ gender!
Cindy

A week later however I was evidently still on the list...
_____________________________________________

From: Cindy
Sent: Tuesday, 24 November 2009 6:08 PM

To: Women in Management Email list

Subject: Women in Management Lunch

Hi Everyone

I still have some seats left if people would like to go the Women in Management Lunch – Please let me know by COB tomorrow if you would like to go.

Cindy
_____________________________________________
From: David

Sent: Thursday, 26 November 2009 9:41 AM

To: Cindy
Subject: RE: Women in Management

Cindy...

Have you left me on the Women in Management email list to tempt me to join the better gender?

It will not work I tell you!

_____________________________________________
From: Cindy
Sent: Thursday, 26 November 2009 10:58 AM

To: David

Subject: RE: A few things

Man!!!! (no pun intended)….I have taken your name off about 6 times, and it keeps reappearing!!!!

I think its you – you really want to come to the other side don’t you……you keep adding your name back onto the list…..

Sorry!!!! I will see what I can do, but maybe you should just give up and come along!

Cindy

Perhaps I should Cindy, perhaps I should. Another email sent to Women in Management arrived in my inbox just before Christmas.

From: Cindy

Sent: Tuesday, 22 December 2009 8:40 PM

To: Women in Management Email list

Subject: Last email from me this year....

Hi Everyone
Just a quick email before I go on leave…woo hoo!

Thank you to those that responded to the survey on the Women in Leadership Action Plan. We are well on our way in developing the next action plan, and we have some really exciting and innovative ideas!

Merry Christmas!
Cindy

_____________________________________________
From: David

Sent: Wednesday, 23 December 2009 9:10 AM

To: Cindy

Subject: RE: Last email from me this year....

Merry Christmas Cindy!
_____________________________________________
From: Cindy

Sent: Wednesday, 23 December 2009 10:23 AM

To: David

Subject: RE: Last email from me this year....

You know, I checked the list again, your name was on it again, so I deleted it again....and you still got it again.....

My female intuition tells me you should be a special honorary member of the Women in Management Association!

Merry Christmas to you too David!

2010-01-04T11:04:00.000+10:30

Explain this:

Today, at work, while I was in the bathroom a colleague came in washed his hands, then unzipped and used the urinal, then walked out without washing his hands. I do not get it. If you are going to wash only once per bathroom visit surely you wash after you have touched your genitals and expelled waste?

Revised Christmas Carol for Office Workers

2009-12-30T14:48:00.002+10:30

Away in a Manger redux

Away in the office
Wishing he was still in bed
The Little Lord David
Laid down his bored head

The manager in her office
Looked down where he lay
The little Lord David
Asleep on his In-Tray

The telephone is ringing
Poor employee awakes
And little Lord David
Sad faces he makes.

If you're happy and you know it please don't show it...

2009-12-30T14:01:00.005+10:30

This inter-office email forced a wry smile from my lips.

Hi Level Two Workers
There is a card for M--- B--- on my desk to congratulate her on her upcoming
wedding. I will be sending this card to Level 1 at 4:30 today so if you want to
sign it please come and see me before then.

Please respect that M-- does not want a big fuss made.

Regards,
A---

Office life is such an etiquette minefield. Must we be told how sincere or expressive our congratulations are?

How about I congratulate her but not really mean it? Will that suffice?

Oh God! Yes!! Oh God! Oh God!! Yes! Yes! Yes!

2009-12-17T11:17:00.004+10:30

It seems that Christians are using the advertising power of sex to sell religion. This advertisement from New Zealand has caused controversy.

The advertisement is part of a promotion by the progressive Christian church, St Matthew's to engage non-believers.

Silvio TKO

2009-12-15T15:39:00.004+10:30

Am I alone in thinking that Italain Prime Minsiter Silvio Berlusconi looked a bit like Hitler in this photo taken after he was assualted in Milan this month?

Kirby Your Enthusiam

2009-12-14T16:17:00.006+10:30

66 year-old maverick (that is, borderline psychotic and arrogantly irresponsible) New South Wales Liberal Senator Bill Heffernan will almost certainly be re-elected at the 2010 Federal election after being placed 2nd on the Liberal Senate Ticket. Presumably he will spend this next term in office deliberately and gleefully slandering social liberals like he pilloried Justice Kirby.

Heffernan was quoted after the result saying,

"I can't think of anyone else in the federal parliament who can knock the nuts out of a bull or skin a sheep"

Yes Bill - but do you knock the nuts out with your teeth huh Bill? Huh? Or do you use a knife you city-slicking pansy.

Populate or perish

2009-10-29T11:06:00.000+10:30

I just endured a dull human resources related meeting in a drab windowless boardroom. Essentially this meeting was an exercise in humouring the Human Resources Division while attempting to justify their existence. During the meeting the convenor asked me to ‘populate’ a document. I think her intention was for me to fill the document in but with ludicrous office speech who really knows. Considering I was being asked to populate I was tempted to use Peter Costello as my inspiration and fill in one form for Mum, one form for Dad and one form for my country...

Just can't bear it...

2009-10-26T13:00:00.002+10:30

A circus bear in a Russian circus kills his trainer and the journalist writes "It is not clear what caused the attack"

Um...huge wild animal forced by trainer to wear skates and play ice hockey....yep - that seems like motivation to me...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/8320849.stm

If these woolens could talk...

2009-08-04T16:33:00.004+09:30

Was given a scarf for my birthday. The care instructions tag sewn on to the scarf included this:

"Knitted garments prefer folded storage"

They 'prefer'? Did someone ask them about this??

I am aware that to maintain shape it is preferable to fold knitted garments rather than hang them on coat hangers but I feel we are being paternalistic here in telling these woolen garments how to live their lives.

If they just want to hang in the back of the wardrobe and lose their shape who am I to say no?

Digging deep

2009-06-11T20:21:00.003+09:30

Australian soldiers currently fighting in Afghanistan are called 'Diggers' when referred to by the media or politicians. When 110 year old World War One 'Veteran' John Campbell Ross passed away recently the tributes that came named him as Australia's Last Remaining Digger. If that is the case does that mean that other veterans will not be able to use that term. It should do but it will not. The term digger is used by the media and politicians to generate specific emotions and ideals and it is a pity that it gets overused and abused.

Interestingly John Campbell Ross was barely a 'digger' anyway; he never left Australia in a military capacity and spent most of his time serving in Broadmeadows, Victoria. Am quite sure there was little digging to be done there...

Puff of Smoke

2009-06-10T22:47:00.003+09:30

Big business, through mergers and international expansion, produces unusual company nomenclature. The largest tobacco company in Australia is named British Amercian Tobacco Australia. Gee couldn't they squeeze another country's name in?

Hard Labour

2009-06-08T17:51:00.004+09:30

A prison inmate in the United States has endured a 55 hour erection and is suing the nurse who allegedly administered anti-psychotic drugs that allegedly induced the long-lasting erection. Amusingly the accused Nurse, Judith Lovelace shares a surname with Deep Throat porn star Linda Lovelace.

http://www.nypost.com/seven/06072009/news/regionalnews/55_hr__erection_agony_173057.htm

Mile high ego club

2009-05-26T23:32:00.005+09:30

Qantas has announced plans to charge AUD160 extra for those who choose to sit in the seats next to the emergency exits, which are prized for their extra leg-room. This plan has been decried in the press by... a 31 year old lawyer and self-promoting wannabe politician from Brisbane who travelled to Russia in 2002 for radically leg-lengthening surgery to gain an extra 8 cms (per leg). Hajnal Ban, who has written a book about her surgery, has recently gone to great lengths (insert chuckle here) to promote herself. Her press release, in defense of tall people everywhere, is a prime example of this. She is not tall. She underwent surgery because she was, in her mind, too short.

In short, she is a complete joke.

On her website (http://www.hajnalban.com/), which promotes her book and the cult of Hajnal she is described as being a high profile Australian politician when she is in fact a mere Councillor for Logan City in Queensland who is barely known outside her own neighbourhood. More amusingly her web page tells us that "Hajnal is as equally known for her unique style and elegance. She has been described by many as a leader in fashion and design. " Eat your heart out Jackie Kennedy-Onassis, step aside Princess Di - let's all admire Hajnal nobody.

The website continues "Even Hajnal's name generates conversation." Somnething along the lines of "Who?" I should think.

I think somebody needs a reality check.

When cricketers do not protect their middle stump...

2009-05-22T22:05:00.002+09:30

From the ABC website...

Pakistan fast bowler Shoaib Akhtar has been ruled out of the Twenty20 World Cup after being diagnosed with genital warts, the Pakistan Cricket Board says.

A statement on the board's website said: "The Medical Board has reported that Shoaib Akhtar was suffering from Genital Viral Warts and Electrofulgration was done on May 12, 2009.

"They further stated that his wound though healing needs further care and treatment for another minimum 10 days for the purpose of healing and to achieve skin cover."

Too much info Pakistan Cricket Board!

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/05/21/2577649.htm

Totally Forked

2009-05-15T21:23:00.005+09:30

Retired Rugby league player Matthew Johns has been the focus of the media this week due to the revelation that he, and fellow teammates, had group sex with a woman in 2002. Ignoring the morals debate and the very loose interpretation of the phrase 'group sex' I found a comment by Sports psychologist Noel Blundell in The Australian unintentionally amusing. Blundell, talking about the method of educating the players, says

"There's no single-pronged attack - there has to be a multi-pronged attack"

And here I was thinking multi-pronging was what got the Rugby players into trouble in the first place...

Tabloid Headlines of the Week.

2009-05-09T12:44:00.003+09:30

On the Herald Sun website "They're Flogging a Gift Horse" was the header for an 'article' about the free gifts 'celebrities' receive when they attend the Logies. Considering the bad press the prize-giving ceremony received I should have thought that the headline could have referred to the process of doling out the Logies themselves...

The sexual congress of an amorous couple on the lawns of Windsor Castle, while the Queen was in residence, was sex-romp, multi-inch fodder for the tabloid dailies in the UK this week. Hats, or indeed, clothes off to the sub-editor at The Sun for the following headline for the story that revealed the identities of the lawn lovers

"This one and this one are the ones who gave each other one on one's lawn"

Snigger.

Just like any other tissue, only more so...

2009-04-30T12:25:00.001+09:30

I noticed these tissues were advertised as being 'Casablanca Style.' My head hurt contemplating why the advertisers used such a name.

Perhaps the tissues' absorbency is perfect for emotional and inclement airport goodbyes?

Classical Gas or Orchestral Fluff?

2009-04-28T23:08:00.003+09:30

Why is that Classical music pieces so often have such benign, dull, G rated titles? It is always Symphony No. this or Symphony No. that. Minuet in G? Sonata, Rhapsodies, Preludes ... Boring!

For once I would like to hear a classical piece with a name like, 'Drug-Fucked in E Minor,'
or 'Sex Bomb Cantata.'

I would even be happy with a lame 'Dad' style jokey name like:

'Full of At-Etude'

'Smack my Brass Up'

'If Ukelele Seek Amy'

'Music School Dropout' (perhaps Grease the musical becomes Grease the Opera...)

Coles for sore arseholes

2009-04-01T09:23:00.005+10:30

Do you love Coles? Apparently You'll Love Coles. I know I love Coles' scented clumping cat litter. Without it, gee...well I think my life would be empty... well, at least, far less clumped. Sure I don't even own a cat but the product is so damn good and the marketing so believable I just had to buy some. And don't you just love the random suburbanites pictured on the packaging identified by a generic first name and an inane comment related to the product they are promoting. I am not sure what the selling blurb is for the woman holding the cat above but I think it might be, "Helen spends Saturday nights at home stroking her pussy."

I am looking forward to Coles introducing more personal hygiene products into the You'll Love Coles range. eg condoms. I should imagine the blurb will be "Tom likes his condoms ribbed for extra pleasure." or perhaps "Tom hopes she doesn't have a headache tonight."

Gopher-uck Yourself

2009-03-26T16:09:00.004+10:30

Twenty minutes ago I was happily walking home enlivened by the afternoon sun. Now I am at home applying antiseptic and dressing wounds. Considering that I do not live in downtown Basra, or Kabul and the fact that I hardly ever travel in a convoy with Hamas operatives I believe this to be a suitably blogable event.

I was strolling along an abnormally wide and unpopulated city footpath through one of our lush green squares when I was suddenly rear ended by a middle aged man-thing tearing up the footpath (and my legs) in an electronic wheel chair that looked somewhat like this… Now, if you or I ran into someone we would probably considering applying the brakes in an attempt to limit the damage that we have, in this scenario, just inflicted upon my ankle. But not so for this stellar citizen – he just kept on going, in fact I think he must have accelerated because he then managed to collide with my other leg. So for a brief period I was riding the handlebars of this contraption all the while yelling at the top of my lungs the obvious question of, “What the fuck is your problem?”.

His response, clearly and lucidly presented to me, was “ I wish I knew mate.” You and me both Cocko. Like most young men I was raised to believe you should never hit a woman and I must admit at this moment my mind was racing through the back-catalogue of my memory to check if there were similar rules/morals etc regarding the thumping of those in wheelchairs or the like. I refrained.

Did he apologise? No. Was he retarded? Well not in the medical sense of the word. Was he drunk? Not sure – but would it matter? Do the Police breath-test anyone riding those killer-peds? Maybe he was acting out in jealousy in response to my obvious able-bodied status…

Once I gathered myself up and began walking down the still wide and still very, very vacant footpath I noticed he was following me slowly (somewhat like the truck in the film Duel). I stopped, looked at him said, “You know what mate, I reckon I should follow you.” In my head I added “You Fuck-tard.”

On a side note…How is that I, an able-bodied and relatively sane person am not legally permitted to ride a bike on a footpath yet any retard with the spatial awareness and agility of a blind, quadriplegic three-toed sloth can operate a motorized wheelchair on footpaths and in shops etc.

Now that is retarded.

Without a Clue Klux Klan

2009-03-18T17:09:00.003+10:30

A continent of black people really does not need a crazy white man in a white hooded-robe encouraging them to endanger their lives. However that has not stopped Pope Benedict XVI, currently touring Africa, from preaching that AIDS "is a tragedy that cannot be overcome by money alone, that cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which even aggravates the problems".

What is Benny One-Six thinking?

Care for a dip?

2009-03-12T11:09:00.003+10:30

This sign, featured prominently above a spa, made me shudder as I read it...because there must have been an unfortunate incident which prompted its posting...

Sink or swim?

Miss Attach

2009-02-18T12:01:00.003+10:30

I wish Microsoft Outlook could prevent me from sending an email when I have stated that I am attaching a file and, as usual, I have forgotten to attach a file. Perhaps any email that includes any of the words "attach" "attached" "attaching" or "attachment" could require a file to be attached before it could be sent, unless the user selects 'ignore.'

I think it would make the world a better place.

OK. Now I have solved that issue I think I am primed to tackle the Middle East Crisis and then World Peace. I think I have more chance than this poor chickadee...

Oh what a feelin' ...

2009-02-11T13:04:00.007+10:30

Alec: So you know how I went home with Dragonfly the other night…
Eton: You went upstairs for coffee huh?
Alec: Yeah something like that. Well anyway when I got back to my car I had a flat tyre.
Eton: aww bummer
Alec: Bummer indeed. Cost me $150 and I had to change a tyre!
Eton: So have you seen this Bumblee..
Alec: It’s Dragonfly, The nickname is Dragonfly.
Eton: OK so have you seen Dragonthingy again?
Alec: Well, this is the thing - I met up with Dragonfly again and after I dropped him off I got a speeding fine within 2 blocks of his place.
Eton: Nasty - how much was it?
Alec: 200 bucks
Eton: So what you are telling me is that you are down over 350 dollars for two sessions with this guy.
Alec: Yep
Eton: Was it worth it?
Alec: Well now I am not so sure…
Eton: You going to see him again?
Alec: I am not sure I can afford to…

************************

Alec: So anyway I think this must be some higher being's way of telling me to stop sleeping with Dragonfly
Eton: God? You think God cares about who you are tapping?
Alec: Well I dunno…
Eton: (thinking) Maybe it has nothing to do with Dragonfly… maybe God just wants you to stop driving your car so much…
Alec: Maybe… I once got a parking fine when I stayed the night at some random’s place…
Eton: See. There you go.
Alec: And once I had my aerial broken…
Eton: (smiling) God wants you to cut your emissions…
Alec: Funny.
Eton: Carbon neutral carnality perhaps…Environmentally Friendly Fornication…
Alec: OK enough already!
Eton: So what you going to do?
Alec: I don’t know… ride a bike…
Eton: It will probably get stolen, or you’ll get a flat…ha ha
Alec: So what can I do?
Eton: Walk. I think that’s your only way to beat this thing…
Alec: So no more Dragonfly?
Eton: I think it’s jinxed…
Alec: Hmmm. Well I sure hope there are some good looking guys within walking distance….
Eton: That’s the spirit.

That's so Emo...

2009-02-06T17:12:00.005+10:30

I do not like it when people use the phrase “That’s so gay” when referring to something that they don't like. I usually respond to the person by agreeing with them but including their own particular minority or identifying feature.

For example, “yeah I agree - That’s so Indian” or “Yeah it’s completely Greek, isn’t it?”

or perhaps, “OMG It’s totally vegetarian.”

If someone wants to say that something is lame then maybe they should subsitute gay for something that actually is lame.

eg, “That’s so suburbia”
or "That's so abstinent"
or maybe, "That's so Local Government"
or "That's so LAN party."

However, below is a photodepicting an example of where I think it is not only appropriate but necessary to say, "That's so Gay"

I am not convinced that this article, written in 2000, accurately portrays the usage of the term, especially amongst non-homosexuals
http://archive.salon.com/people/feature/2000/09/14/gaygaygay/index.html

Silent Sitters

2009-02-04T12:48:00.002+10:30

I am in the bathroom at work. There are two cubicles. One cubicle has the door closed, with the engaged sign in operation and the tips of a pair of black shoes visible under the door. The other cubicle’s door is open and the cubicle is unoccupied. I enter this cubicle, close the door and turn the lock. After a period of five, ten or twenty seconds the absence of noise from the cubicle next door deafens me. The usual symphony of shuffled feet, the unfurling and tearing of toilet paper and the frighteningly vivid sounds of liquid displacement are not emanating from the cubicle. It seems my neighbour is clearly a Silent Sitter or perhaps, more accurately, a Silent S*itter), waiting in the cubicle for me to finish my task so that they may continue their ablutions in seclusion and anonymity once I leave. Instead of continuing their chore they prefer to sit silent and still, with what can only be described as a front row seat for my upcoming performance. This riles me! In the same way that they may not want an audience (albeit an audience of one thoroughly self-focused, goal-oriented porcelain performer who could not care less about their business) I am not keen on the idea of a ghostly Silent Sitter perched on the edge of their Caroma attentively riding every shuffle, unzipping, evacuation, tearing, scrunching (or folding…) water-falling, zipping moment of activity as they wait, in earnest, for me to leave.

I am tempted to knock on the adjoining wall and say “You are not fooling anyone. I know you are in there!!

I am not sure what game these people are playing at. It is not a case of If a man sits in a toilet and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound?

Silent Sitters of the world! Let me tell you this - Your silence heralds your existence louder than ever!

"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

Am I Decisive or Indecisive?

2009-02-03T14:34:00.005+10:30

I just spent five minutes considering whether I should buy this book entitled '100 ways to be effective and decisive'...

Price of book: $25.00

Amount of Irony: Priceless

Maggie Taberer Naked

2009-02-02T12:05:00.010+10:30

At work I made a reference to this woman...

Maggie Tabberer, the famous Australian fashion model/magazine editor of a certain age with a full figure and a penchant for hats and slick back hair.

In response to my reference to Maggie a young heterosexual female colleague, nicknamed KittySlap, responded far too eagerly with,

"I would love to see Maggie Tabberer naked!"

I am fairly confident that KittySlap was suggesting that Maggie's true figure is camouflaged well through her sleek stylish clothing...

The desire to see Maggie T naked is something that could only be heard expressed in a retirement village, if at all...

Below I have posted a picture of Maggie the way she might like to be remembered.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maggie_Tabberer

Perhaps you should reconsider that Pigeon Assassination

2009-01-30T12:00:00.007+10:30

Quirky law for the day.

The law governing Interference with homing pigeons states that...

(1) A person who—
(a) without lawful authority, kills, injures or takes any homing pigeon; or
(b) enters upon any land for the purpose of killing, injuring or taking any homing pigeon without lawful authority, is guilty of an offence.

Maximum penalty: $250.

However, those with bloodlust need not put their slingshot down just yet...there is a defence...

Subsection (3) It is a defence to a charge of killing, injuring or taking a homing pigeon contrary to subsection (1) to prove that the defendant was the owner or occupier of improved or cultivated land, or a person acting under the instructions of any such owner or occupier, and killed, injured or took the pigeon while it was actually upon that land or any building on that land.

This pitiable pigeon was going for a relaxing Sunday afternoon flight in the country when he stopped for a rest and took some happy snaps to send to his Grandmother and was lawfully killed (pursuant to the available defence under subsection 3).

The law needs to be changed now! Write to your local MP! Use a carrier pigeon to send the letter perhaps...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homing_pigeon

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carrier_pigeon

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sling_shot

Show us your slits...

2009-01-13T17:12:00.006+10:30

Some of my female friends have prominent toe cleavage.

Toe cleavage, for the blessedly unaware, is the partial exposure of a woman's toes in shoes. Low cut shoes reveal toe cleavage similar in the same way low cut tops reveal breast cleavage.

Despite the fact your piggies are on show toe cleavage can, apparently, be stylish and indeed sexy. To quote Carrie Bradshaw's idol, show designer Manolo Blahnik, "the secret of toe cleavage, a very important part of the sexuality of the shoe" is that "you must only show the first two cracks."

Hilarious.

Dumb and Number

2009-01-11T23:33:00.005+10:30

IS there a rational reason for why the numbers on the number pads on keyboards and calculators are configured the opposite way to telephones?

Please explain.

Caption Competition

2008-12-29T15:45:00.003+10:30

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! There is a new Caption Competition.

All you have to do is come up with an amusing caption for this photo of Hamas fighters in Gaza. Best caption wins the respect of his peers and maybe an icy-pole...

Enter via the comments tab below.

Caption Competition Winner

2008-12-27T11:03:00.001+10:30

The winner of the Caption Competition is AlexRocks with "Pricasso rejected the suggestion he could only paint 'miniatures'"

Thanks to everyone who entered -a new competition will start soon.

The Mane concern is spelling...

2008-12-10T18:12:00.006+10:30

There is a typing mistake on a sign at this costume shop.

On the window they have a list of costumes they offer...

This list includes what can only be a typo...

I am assuming that they do not have actually have a LOIN Tamer costume and that they actually intended to advertise the more obvious LION Tamer costume they presumably have available.

Unless of course they have some 'fat ladies in leggings' costumes...cos that would tame my loins...

Freddy Krueger Scream-ed because he is a bit scared

2008-12-05T00:04:00.003+10:30

I find it amusing that Wes Craven the director of the most popular scary movies that have come out of Hollywood in the past twenty years has a surname that means cowardly.

NEW Caption Competition

2008-11-28T01:16:00.005+10:30

The Caption Competition Returns! Simply come up with a caption for the photo, click on the comments tab below and then type your caption suggestion.

The photo is of South African artist Tim Patch, who calls himself 'Pricasso', painting a portrait of a woman using his penis at the Sexpo in Johannesburg.

The composer of the funniest caption gets a drink at the expense of my wallet one night. If you are cute or interesting I might even buy you two. Have fun with this one infense readers!

From handcuffs to the 'old ball and chain'

2008-11-24T16:22:00.005+10:30

Just when you thought the marriage of commercial television and reality TV had borne enough base, forgettable and lamentable TV shows comes this press release from Channel 9…

Following the incredible success of The Farmer Wants a Wife the Nine Network presents the much anticipated new series The Inmate Wants a Wife .

The Inmate Wants a Wife is offering some of Australia's most eligible prison inmates a chance to meet the partner of their dreams and to satisfy their currently unmet needs. The series follows the story of Australian criminals, both white and blue collar, exploring new relationships and trying to find someone they can spend
the rest of their lives with, once their sentence is served or they are paroled.

A one-off two-hour special will feature two female inmates. These ‘jailbirds’ will be looking to find themselves a husband.

Hmmm. Tasteful.

Ramp Romp

2008-11-20T00:34:00.006+10:30

A few months ago I lamented the fact that I was without a partner and yet the World's Fattest Man (WFM), seemingly fighting against greater odds than I, had found a loving partner who he was about to marry. (An acute observer might argue that my standards are too high and that the WFM's fiance's standards were too low but that's neither here nor there...)

So... as I contemplate another night in bed with only my childhood teddy bear for company I am less than pleased to read this article telling me about the 'heavenly,' yet logistically complex, love-making of the WFM and the WFM Wife, who are pictured below.

Reports have revealed that the WFM's friends built him a ramp for him to get on so he could 'get it on.' The ramp, reinforced with concrete, enabled the WFM to raise portions of his lower body to allow "greater access to his private parts."

The WFM told a newspaper, "We have finally had sex and we are a true couple in the eyes of God," IN THE EYES OF GOD?? For God's sake I hope the Almighty had poor eyesight....and I guess if he didn't, well...he certainly does now...

WARNING - CRAZY DELUSIONAL PERSON

2008-11-15T20:33:00.006+10:30

I think that someone with lots of money to spend has a crush on me. I am being serious. For some months now I have noticed that this person has been putting up messages in public places asking me for sex. The request is very direct and a phone number is attached and I am told to call. I am afraid. I think this person must be following me. They knew that I was taking a different route to work because I was house-sitting and put those signs asking me for sex on the roads that I traveled to get to work. I am worried. Should I call the police?

Anyway I have included a picture of one of the signs below... If you know anything about the person putting these messages up can you tell me? Or tell them to stop?

WHY WON'T THEY LEAVE ME ALONE????

But do they use predictive text...?

2008-11-11T23:55:00.008+10:30

I am glad that I live in an age when elephants can send text messages.

In Kenya bull elephants have been equipped with mobile phone SIM cards which automatically send SMS text messages to rangers if the elephants venture too close to villages and farms. This is because the elephants can cause catastrophic economic loss through crop devastation. Instead of culling the endangered animals after they have damaged the crops the rangers can now drive them away from the villages and crops before any harm is done.

"In ye olde black and white times elephants had to find a phone box to alert the villagers . "

It would be nice if the technology could be modified to allow the elephants to send personal messages to their spouses. For instance,
"Honey can you pick up an acacia tree on your way home. I don't feel like cooking."
or
"Darling I heard there are a few mice on the A47 - you might want to take a different track home."

Just a thought.

Caption Competition # 6 Winner

2008-10-24T23:41:00.006+10:30

Thanks for your entries people. Lots of folk have told me how much they enjoyed them.
The winner is Jono with...

"The townsfolk of Bred love being in Bred"

Special mention to Kyran for his witty debut caption. Look forward to the efforts of Kyran and everyone else next time. For now it is up to Jono to pick a location for his Winner's Drink! New caption coming soon. As well as the usual posts...

Good Looking, Easy Swallowing

2008-10-20T23:56:00.005+10:30

I have previously blogged about bizarre book titles. So imagine the sheer joy I experienced when I discovered this book on a shelf last week.

Good Looking, Easy Swallowing - Creative Catering for Modified Texture Diets

Too funny.

For those who are a little prudish I do not suggest you google 'Good Looking, Easy Swallowing' anytime soon, because, well...use your imagination. :)

Caption Competition # 6

2008-10-08T23:57:00.006+10:30

Are you feeling tired and rundown?

Not getting enough iron in your diet?

Or are merely peeved because I took so long to post a new Caption Competition. Hmmm?

Well wipe those tears away Pretty Lady 'cos the nice man is going to make it all better. Here 'tis.

Simply add a caption for this picture using the comments link below. The Winner receives the respect of their peers plus either the Hello Deli meat platter from David Letterman's The Late Show (skanky cougar platter girls optional) or a drink at some swanky bar on my coin. Your choice.

Penguin Puffin'

2008-10-08T10:35:00.002+10:30

In my office it seems that smoking is an accepted stop-work activity. These smokers ‘need’ a smoke and therefore they pop outside for ten minutes a few times a day to have a puff. They are addicted. Well, it just so happens I am addicted to reading. I wonder if I might be able to pop downstairs for a quick ‘chapter’ a few times a day…

“Filthy habit I know. I have been meaning to quit but when I see someone else thumbing a paperback I just need a hit of text…”

Who you calling Sue?

2008-09-30T18:45:00.008+09:30

Yesterday I heard the famous Johnny Cash song, A Boy Named Sue (see below for video and lyrics) about an absent father who gives his son a girl's name, Sue, so that the son will experience the inevitable bullying that a boy with a girl's name would endure in an attempt to make his son a tougher and butcher man than he would ordinarily presumably be if he grew up without a father and was named something normal like Tom...

I think there is an infinitesimally small amount of logic there - perhaps it is country and western logic... However this combination of gender-bending nomenclature and the macho Cowboy/Western ideal got the old grey cells humming and I remembered that both John Wayne (the American actor and macho figure famous for his cowboy roles in Old-West style pictures) and Zane Grey (the literary equivalent of John Wayne who was famous for his depictions of the rugged Old West) were both born with feminine first names! John Wayne was born Marion Morrison and Zane Grey even more unforgiveably was christened Pearl Grey.

He sounds like a lesser known style of Twinings tea.
"hmmm no Earl Gray for me today... I shall have the Pearl Gray..."

Are they the real men named Sue?

"A Boy Named Sue"

My daddy left home when I was three

And he didn't leave much to ma and me

Just this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze

. Now, I don't blame him cause he run and hid

But the meanest thing that he ever did

Was before he left, he went and named me "Sue."

Well, he must o' thought that is quite a joke

And it got a lot of laughs from a' lots of folk,

It seems I had to fight my whole life through.

Some gal would giggle and I'd get red

And some guy'd laugh and I'd bust his head,

I tell ya, life ain't easy for a boy named "Sue."

Well, I grew up quick and I grew up mean,

My fist got hard and my wits got keen,

I'd roam from town to town to hide my shame.

But I made a vow to the moon and stars

That I'd search the honky-tonks and bars

And kill that man who gave me that awful name.

Well, it was Gatlinburg in mid-July

And I just hit town and my throat was dry,

I thought I'd stop and have myself a brew.

At an old saloon on a street of mud,

There at a table, dealing stud,

Sat the dirty, mangy dog that named me "Sue."

Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet dad

From a worn-out picture that my mother'd had,

And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye.

He was big and bent and gray and old,

And I looked at him and my blood ran cold

And I said: "My name is 'Sue!' How do you do!

Now your gonna die!!"

Well, I hit him hard right between the eyes

And he went down, but to my surprise,

He come up with a knife and cut off a piece of my ear.

But I busted a chair right across his teeth

And we crashed through the wall and into the street

Kicking and a' gouging in the mud and the blood and the beer.

I tell ya, I've fought tougher men

But I really can't remember when,

He kicked like a mule and he bit like a crocodile.

I heard him laugh and then I heard him cuss,

He went for his gun and I pulled mine first,

He stood there lookin' at me and I saw him smile.

And he said: "Son, this world is rough

And if a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough

And I knew I wouldn't be there to help ya along.

So I give ya that name and I said goodbye

I knew you'd have to get tough or die

And it's the name that helped to make you strong."

He said: "Now you just fought one hell of a fight

And I know you hate me, and you got the right

To kill me now, and I wouldn't blame you if you do.

But ya ought to thank me, before I die,

For the gravel in ya guts and the spit in ya eye

Cause I'm the son-of-a-bitch that named you "Sue.'"

I got all choked up and I threw down my gun

And I called him my pa, and he called me his son,

And I came away with a different point of view.

And I think about him, now and then,

Every time I try and every time I win,

And if I ever have a son, I think I'm gonna name him

Bill or George! Anything but Sue! I still hate that name!

Caption Competition # 5 Winner

2008-09-25T22:26:00.003+09:30

Firstly apologies for the delay in posting the results of the caption competition.

The winner of the 'infense shout' prize is Mr G (Giles) for

Habib was determined to plant that bomb in Fernwood

which combined the cross-dressing and terrorist themes beautifully. Those readers unfamiliar with Fernwood need only be told that Fernwood is a women-only gym to appreciate the full humour of the caption.

When raising a glass does not lead to a toast

2008-09-21T23:47:00.005+09:30

Quick question. Since when did glassing become the activity de jour for drunken footballers... It is bad enough when anyone does it ever, or when a drunken footballer does it to another footballer but when they are glassing their wives and girlfriends I struggling to comprehend the activity at all.

There was the case of rugby player Greg Bird glassing his girlfriend and then attempting to use a friend as the fall guy. There is also the Wayne Carey incident which occurred in America.

Invariably, I learn that the victim will try and continue dating her beau despite the fact he smashed a glass in her face. I imagine she will certainly keep one eye on him in future (if, and when, she gets her eyesight back in the other eye she will keep that one on him too...)

One thought - if glassing is smashing a glass in a person's face why is mugging not smashing a mug... :)

OK my rant is over.

The Joy of Chicken and the Anger of Aubergines

2008-09-02T00:14:00.014+09:30

The Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year is a competition that amuses me greatly every year. Accordingly, generous chuckles were generated by the news that to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the Oddest Book Title of the Year a 'best of the oddest' competition is being held. Let joy reign unconfined. Odd contenders include...

I love the diplomatic term - 'Solitary Practitioners'

Subtitled 'Towards a politics of exhaustion'

The complete title is 'Highlights in the History of Concrete'

If you think the title is disgustingly suggestive you should see the pictures inside!

Cock? A Doodle? Doo?

'Better a sweater from a dog you know and love than from a sheep you'll never meet.' Priceless!

The accompanying book, 'RATS for those who don't care' comes with a complimentary packet of Rat poison

WTF?

Equality? Nun.

2008-08-26T00:10:00.006+09:30

It was with great excitement that I welcomed the news that the Roman Catholic Church was offering female members of religious orders the same opportunities as males. Gender equality, finally! So will there be female priests you ask. Um...No. However, like sexy priests (blogged previously) hot nuns can finally be appreciated for their physical beauty instead of distracting us with all that boring pious charity work.

Italian priest Reverend Antonio Rungi is organising an online beauty pageant for nuns on his blog. The Miss Sister 2008 pageant will give attractive nuns from around the world a chance to show off their beauty and good works. *Insert eye rolling here*

"Hey sexy nun - want to worship something that takes less than 3 days to rise..."

Which reminds me...

Short-listed titles for this post include:

- Filthy habits

- Nuns you will want to nail against the convent wall.

- M(S)ILF - Mother Superiors I'd Like to Fuck

- Hot Cross Nuns

Caption Competition # 5

2008-08-25T00:19:00.004+09:30

Is this the new face of terrorism? Got a caption for this pic? Enter by clicking on the comments tab below. Best caption wins the usual prize.

Caption Competition #4 Winner

2008-08-24T21:19:00.007+09:30

The winner of the Caption Competition is Josh with

"Terrorise me, Mr Bush, Terrorise me!"

The usual prize and kudos goes his way.

Special mention goes to 'I'll tell you if I win' for his/her entry - "an annoying part of going to the beach: getting bush in your sand"

Remember to enter the new caption competition and spread the word!

Made in China

2008-08-17T23:50:00.004+09:30

Beijing 2008

Why is it that almost all stuffed toys are 'Made in China' yet the winners of medals at the Beijing Olympics receive flowers only and not the traditional accompanying stuffed toys? Where are the toy pandas I ask you?!

Sydney 2000

The Good Smutaritan

2008-08-13T00:24:00.006+09:30

It is always important to make a good impression when you start a new job. Arrive on time, look busy and smile politely to all. Simple rules. Easy to follow. No undue duress endured whatsoever.

It is probably not a good idea to give your bosses the impression that you are something of a sexual pervert...which is what I did on my second day at my new job which I started last week.

The following sorry tale began as I departed work after my second day. People that know me well will suggest that the word 'departed' should be exchanged for 'fled', thus providing a more vivid and accurate representation of my general office-leaving style.

As I achieved what Steve McQueen's character could not do in that famous film I noticed that a female employee from another section had dropped her purse in the foyer. Noticing that she was oblivious to the extraneous nature of her purse in relation to her handbag I picked the purse up from the floor and headed in her direction bleating "Excuse me" loudly and repeatedly. To no avail. Said woman then turned down a corridor. I followed.

It was my first time in this part of the building. I noticed a door slowly closing at the end of the corridor and on the presumption that the woman had gone 'thattaway' I hastened after her. When I reached the door, which had not yet closed, I placed my hand against it to push it open. As I did just that the woman, presumably had just appreciated her purse-less predicament and presumably had also calculated that the crazy guy following her was undoubtedly crazy yet still even more undoubtedly clutching her much valued purse and attempting to return it to her.

I handed her the purse. She smiled and said "thank you so much" and then went back inside the 'room'. I turned to leave and as I did I noticed that the door I had been holding open was the door to the Women's Toilet. Bemused, I turned to leave the corridor, the hinged door slowly closing behind me, only to see my supervisor staring at me, her new not-meant-to-be-in-the-Women's Toilet male employee, standing in front of the Women's Toilet door, seemingly having just exited said Women's Toilet.

I am not sure if there is a word that accurately coveys the cocktail of confusion, disgust and enveloping fear that her face displayed but it would be an ugly, fearsome word and frankly I should not ever like to hear, read or speak it.

So in the mind of my superior I am a pervert.

Just another day at the office.

Tomorrow's News Today!

2008-08-11T23:43:00.007+09:30

Infense blog posting at 10.33 pm Sunday 10 August 2008

Caption Competition # 4
The Caption Competition goes Olympic! This photo of George W. Bush at the Chaoyang Park Beach Volleyball Grounds in Beijing needs a caption! Enter via comments tab.The winner can either come back next week as the
carry-over champ and play for the entire showcase or just take the free alcoholic beverage offer as per
usual.

News Ltd's adelaidenow website Monday 11 August 2008 posted at 11 am, 12 hours later:

SO, why is the President of the United States cavorting with bikini-clad
beach volleyballers? In George Bush's defence, there is an innocent
explanation for this bizarre photo, taken in Beijing on the weekend.
Seems US Olympic beach volleyballer Misty May-Treanor kept asking the president to
slap her tattooed back - a common gesture in the sport. After initially
demurring, he finally obliged. But what better excuse to run a caption competition? Submit your captions in the comment box at the bottom of the page ... but overly smutty suggestions won't get published

Hmmm.

If you want adelaidenow I guess you should read Infense12hours before now....

Enter the original caption competition below!