Red-Tape Worms

It is one of work life’s ironies that when attempting to reduce red tape governments and corporations are only comfortable doing this by unfurling more red tape. "Red tape," for those who live in a remote island paradise or are hotel heiresses and are unfamiliar with the term, is the derisive term to describe excessive regulation or rigid conformity to formal rules that is hinders or prevents action or decision-making.



So who do we call in when we need to cut red tape?? Apparently you bring in the lamely, and paradoxically named ‘Red Tape Champions.’ Where I work these so-called Champions have brought in new processes to make sure that we are not creating too many processes. The lack of logic makes my head hurt!

The Rise and Fall of Yogi Bear

Time: Monday morning 9am
Subject: Impromptu meeting with Acting Manager
Result: Further disinterest in work and lack of respect for superiors.
Cause: See below

Within minutes of arriving at work after an unpleasantly warm walk Yogi Bear asked to have a meeting with me. As Yogi is the Acting Manager for a period of two weeks this meeting occurred in the Manager’s office, much to Yogi’s delight. During the meeting he referred to the fact he was a manager at least five times. Phrases like, “Well it is all busy busy busy when you are the manager” and “Now I have all these extra tasks because I am the manager" were falling from his lips like froth from a rabid dog.

Any conversation with Yogi turns into a Q and A session with Yogi in the role of Quiz Master. This is infuriating, regardless of whether you know the answer or not. More often than not Yogi will make a statement and then ask, “Are you following this?” in the voice and manner of a patronising carer conversing with an elderly dementia patient. What makes this incredibly infuriating is that the topics covered in his quizzes are easy to grasp and, by mere chance, concepts that I know more about than he does. Prior to today’s meeting I had long thought that Yogi himself does not know the answers to some of the questions he tests me with. Today the topic of project management was discussed in the meeting and what follows is a rough transcript of proceedings that proved my theory correct.

Yogi: So...the three constraints of Project Management.

David: *pause* Yes?

Yogi: What are they?

David: It’s a bit early on Monday morning for a test haha

Yogi: I want you to answer.

David: Seriously?

Yogi: Yes. As your manager I need to know you grasp the fundamentals David.

David: Ok. Here goes. The three constraints of project management. Firstly, Time.

Yogi: *nods*

David: Cost

Yogi: *nods*

David: (I know the very simple answer but cannot fight my urge to stir the pot) um...gee...what is it...

Yogi: Can you remember?

David: Nope. Haha. I blame Monday Morning.

Yogi: Think harder.

David: Nope. Not happening sorry. Haha. Oh well. I guess you will have to tell me.

Yogi: *silence*

David: What is it?

Yogi: *silence*

David: Ooh now I am really intrigued. What is the third constraint?

Yogi: *silence*

David: Ok well you tell me and I will write it down so I don’t forget it!

Yogi: But I asked you.

David: Yes but I do not know. And you obviously do know. Otherwise you would not have asked me! *exterior - wide-eyed innocent look, interior - devilish grin*

Yogi: *silence*

Yogi: Ok well it is probably time for us to end this meeting and get on with our work Yes? I imagine you are busy yourself – As you know I have so much work to do this week...as I am the manager.


HILARIOUS!

Working Girl

When I started my new job I began receiving emails from the Women in Management Association. This occurred due to an administrative error and not because they discovered I cried during Beaches. What follows is a series of email conversations I had with Cindy from the Women in Management Association.


From: Cindy

Sent: Monday, 16 November 2009 12:08 PM

To: Women in Management Email list

Subject: Are you interested in supporting young women gain success in work and life?

Hi Everyone
I hope you all enjoyed the Women in Management meeting last week!

Please see below an email from YWCA, seeking female mentors for young women.

If you are interested, please contact me.

Regards
Cindy
_____________________________________________-
From: David

Sent: Monday, 16 November 2009 12:11 PM

To: Cindy

Subject: RE: Are you interested in supporting young women gain success in work and life?

Hello Cindy

I just noticed that I am on the Working Women email list (I presume Admin or IT copied a female colleague’s email lists when setting my email up when I began work recently).

As I am not a woman, and I am not currently considering a change to become one, I should probably not be on this list.

Can you remove me from this list?

Regards

David

_____________________________________________

From: Cindy

Sent: Monday, 16 November 2009 12:13 PM

To: David

Subject: RE: Are you interested in supporting young women gain success in work and life?

Hi David
Thanks for the notification – will take you off the list.
You are always welcome to come and join the ‘better’ gender!
Cindy

A week later however I was evidently still on the list...
_____________________________________________

From: Cindy
Sent: Tuesday, 24 November 2009 6:08 PM

To: Women in Management Email list

Subject: Women in Management Lunch


Hi Everyone


I still have some seats left if people would like to go the Women in Management Lunch – Please let me know by COB tomorrow if you would like to go.

Cindy
_____________________________________________
From: David

Sent: Thursday, 26 November 2009 9:41 AM

To: Cindy
Subject: RE: Women in Management


Cindy...

Have you left me on the Women in Management email list to tempt me to join the better gender?

It will not work I tell you!


_____________________________________________
From: Cindy
Sent: Thursday, 26 November 2009 10:58 AM

To: David

Subject: RE: A few things


Man!!!! (no pun intended)….I have taken your name off about 6 times, and it keeps reappearing!!!!

I think its you – you really want to come to the other side don’t you……you keep adding your name back onto the list…..

Sorry!!!! I will see what I can do, but maybe you should just give up and come along!

Cindy

Perhaps I should Cindy, perhaps I should. Another email sent to Women in Management arrived in my inbox just before Christmas.

From: Cindy

Sent: Tuesday, 22 December 2009 8:40 PM

To: Women in Management Email list

Subject: Last email from me this year....


Hi Everyone
Just a quick email before I go on leave…woo hoo!

Thank you to those that responded to the survey on the Women in Leadership Action Plan. We are well on our way in developing the next action plan, and we have some really exciting and innovative ideas!

Merry Christmas!
Cindy

_____________________________________________
From: David

Sent: Wednesday, 23 December 2009 9:10 AM

To: Cindy

Subject: RE: Last email from me this year....

Merry Christmas Cindy!
_____________________________________________
From: Cindy

Sent: Wednesday, 23 December 2009 10:23 AM

To: David

Subject: RE: Last email from me this year....

You know, I checked the list again, your name was on it again, so I deleted it again....and you still got it again.....

My female intuition tells me you should be a special honorary member of the Women in Management Association!

Merry Christmas to you too David!

Explain this:

Today, at work, while I was in the bathroom a colleague came in washed his hands, then unzipped and used the urinal, then walked out without washing his hands. I do not get it. If you are going to wash only once per bathroom visit surely you wash after you have touched your genitals and expelled waste?