Plane speaking

I received an email at work informing me that the departmental plane is available for use.

"Based at Port X, the 2008 Cessna 206H craft is an invaluable resource. What you
might not know is that it’s readily available to this department and other
government departments for business solutions."

Business solutions?

I think the word they was looking for is 'flights.' The plane is available for flights. Not business solutions.

Why do people use such wank words?

Them ones' spellen misteaks

Two people sent emails to me with grammatical errors today.

Firstly I was informed that…

A list of the boards are provided below.

List is singular! It should be ‘is provided below’ And let's not forget that apostrophe for the boards i.e. boards'.

And then a senior legal officer sent me this asking…

What is there status? Their status!! That phrase would only work if I was a Roman named Status during the time of the Caesars and my questioner was asking, “Why go to Adelaide for a holiday? What is there, Status?

Not to mention the fact that the stationery cupboard’s name is Stationary Cupboard.

Breathe deeply David. Breathe deeply.

Up Urs! (ula)

This work email amused me…. I think there is a word missing.

_____________________________________________
As we get acclimatised to working within our new divisions, just a small point that Ursula has asked me to pass on re communication processes.

· if you get a direct request from an ED or the CE, please put the draft written response back through me. This will need to go up Ursula.

_____________________________________________

Ouch! Poor Ursula!

Now that's a Paper Cut!

These words are actioning my mentalisation

Today I received an e-mail inviting me to attend a "dynamic and comprehensive 10 month leadership program incorporating one-on-one coaching, seminars, residentials, external networking opportunities and action learning projects."

Residentials?
Action Learning Projects?

WTF?

What does residentials mean? It is not a word. I hope that it means they will provide me with a house. If so, I would like a house with a pool, tennis court and separate area for an energetic dog. I could use the big yard for all those action learning projects I will have to complete.

And what exactly are action learning projects? That phrase is pointless. It tells me nothing. Are there inaction learning projects? The phrase is ungrammatical and a perfect example of the weasel-words beloved by governments and people-management consultants.

My suspicion is that these phrases are made up by people who have a very poor grasp of English but a very high self-regard. Clearly wankers or, as they would call themselves, personal friction facilitators.

On the Road Again

Hi all,

Song of the Week time.

Today is Moving Day! I am moving to my fourth government department in less than two years. My stationery, files and Tintin posters are packed into boxes and I am waiting for someone wearing King Gees or Stubbies to move them to Victoria Square for me.

How naïve I was to think my peripatetic work life might cease when I scored a permanent job. HA! Instead I am… On the Road Again…

On the Road Again
by Willie Nelson

The song title is appropriate but if you read the lyrics Willie seems a bit happier with being ‘on the road’ than me…(that might be due to his marijuana intake though)


On the road again
Just can't wait to get on the road again
The life I love is making music with my friends
And I can't wait to get on the road again

On the road again
Goin' places that I've never been
Seein' things that I may never see again
And I can't wait to get on the road again

On the road again
Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway
We're the best of friends
Insisting that the world keep turning our way and our way

Is on the road again
I just can't wait to get on the road again
The life I love is making music with my friends
And I can't wait to get on the road again

On the road again
Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway
We're the best of friends
Insisting that the world keep turning our way and our way

Is on the road again
Just can't wait to get on the road again
The life I love is making music with my friends
And I can't wait to get on the road again
And I can't wait to get on the road again

Eye of the Tiger - Song of the Week

One happy-happy-gay-gay fortnight ago I was feeling, “absurdly happy” and chose the 1960’s glee-filled pop classic Sunshine Lollipops and Rainbows by Lesley Gore as my Song of the Week. This week I am wallowing in the misery caused by the fact that I have been forcefully moved to another department to do a job thatI have very little interest in. The grotesquely corpulent cherry on this pie-in-the-face is that I will have to work with my least favourite colleague, an obnoxious, obese and verbose bore. A Yogi Bore in fact.

What have I done to deserve this? I keep asking myself a question that Travis asked too, Why does it always rain on me? And yes, LeAnn Rimes – I feel Blue too.

But I cannot allow my Song of the Week to assist my slide into misery. Instead I need a self-empowerment song that will inspire (and possibly delude) me. I need to be a Survivor! I need the “will to Survive.” What I need is the…

Eye of the Tiger
by Survivor



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS4giqtbRBM

Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast
You change your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

Chorus:
It's the eye of the tiger,
it's the thrill of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds 'til we take to the street
For we kill with the skill to survive

Chorus

Risin' up, straight to the top
Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive

Chorus

The eye of the tiger (repeats out)...



1 For more info on my colleague Yogi Bear read my blog here http://infense.blogspot.com/2010/02/unbearable-yogi.html and here
http://infense.blogspot.com/2010/01/rise-and-fall-of-yogi-bear.html.

Do you remember where you were the day that thing didn’t happen?

I received a generic mass email at work today informing me that the new Minister of our department would be visiting our floor within the hour. The email said the Chief Executive will guide the Minister around the floor and introduce him to important people. The email also contained this request “Can we please ensure that our working areas are tidy for this visit” which managed to be patronising, maternal and unnecessary all at once.

My colleagues greeted the news of this walk-and-talk with the sort of excitement and enthusiasm one would expect from a monarchist housewife who had just been told the Queen was about to visit for afternoon tea and was it alright if she brought along that lovely cravat wearing host from Masterchef as well. Desks were tidied, nerves were jangled, rarely sighted ‘intelligent and industrious’ poses were rehearsed and lipstick was reapplied.

As the Minister’s arrival time drew near, my colleagues pretended to look busy, whilst intently listening for the ’ping’ noise of the elevator which heralds the arrival of someone to the floor, today the Minister, but usually a bicycle courier.

Five minutes after his arrival time had passed rumours spread around the office, “The Minister is NOT coming” followed by, “Something urgent has come up” and then finally, “Well if he is going to come, I wish he’d hurry up!” (That ‘intelligent and industrious’ pose is exhausting to maintain afterall…)

And then an email arrived in our Inboxes informing us that the Minister would not be coming. No explanation was provided, that common courtesy deemed not to be required. As the email was read, sighs of relief and disappointment echoed throughout the office. Within a minute office life returned to normal… It was as though it had never happened. Which is true, I guess, because in the end it didn’t.

05 July 2010: Deja vu. Last week I received an email saying the Minister was visiting. Today I received another email cancelling the visit.

12 July 2010: Deja vu vu. Today I received another email announcing a visit by the Minister followed by an email cancelling that visit. Unbelievable!

ABC! It's as easy as 1, 4, 3.

A senior colleague sent me a Minute requesting legal advice using the following paragraph numbering sequence:

3.2

3.3

3.3.1
3.2.1
3.3.2
3.4.1

3.4

3.4.1

3.5

-----

Inaccurate, if not inventive.

Surely this person knows that 3.3.1 should be followed by 3.3.2 which in turn should be followed by 3.3.3. Also, if there is not a 3.4.2 then there is no need for a 3.4.1. It is hardly rocket mathematics.

In the same Minute it was requested that I provide my advice within the next moth, which might be quite difficult to achieve, but then again, at least I was not given a date to complete this by…



Anyway I cannot sit here blogging all day – I need to try and trap that all important ‘next moth’.

That’s the way the cookie crumbles…

This morning I witnessed the least successful attempt to dissect a Scotch Finger biscuit ever. It was an ‘epic fail’. A pack of Arnott’s Assorted Biscuits was on the table during a meeting. A new colleague, on only his third day of work, selected a Scotch Finger biscuit and attempted to snap apart the conjoined ‘fingers’, as required by biscuit eating convention. Somehow, he managed to decimate the biscuit, scattering crumbs all over his suit pants, the desk and the carpeted floor leaving barely a stump of biscuit remaining, let alone the two majestic and moreish ‘fingers’ he was aiming for.

I think we should have fired him immediately.

Don't crumb Monday!

No swimming

I received an email inviting me to attend a presentation by a professor named Jim Hendry, from Canada who is speaking about clay-rich aquitards.

Is aquitard just another name for someone who cannot swim?

;)

Calling Kettle Black Pot

I was asked by a Manager to write a quick informal and internal email with some legal advice. In this response I had to use the phrase ‘decontamination process’ which I accidentally typed as ‘decontaminating process’

The response I got back criticised me for this error (which was inconsequential to the advice given).

The response was:

“Pleas David wathc the correct spelling”

If I was not so unamused by this reponse I guess I would have laughed...

Unbearable Yogi

The other day I got to work at 8.50am. The other 4 members of my team were gathered around the desk next to mine. I said hello to all of them and they all said hello back, including my ursine colleague Yogi Bear who then said

“David got all his ‘good mornings’ out in one go. That is the benefit of being the last person in to work."

Was he having a dig about me being allegedly late for work? Surely not I thought. Give Yogi the benefit of the doubt, I thought.

But then he said, "I will have to get in late tomorrow like David and do that.”

And then I just wanted to locate a bear trap...

It is legal to shoot bears right? ;)

The Jew in the Fridge

Merry Fridge Cleaning Everyone! Can you believe it is the ‘second bi-monthly fridge cleaning for my office building’ already?? I must not have even noticed the Fridge Cleaning carollers singing from fridge door to door , I have not even purchased my Happy Fridge Cleaning cards and I have no idea what to buy my Fridge Kindle...

If you missed this significant event here is the email I received this morning heralding the important event:

Please be advised that this Friday 12th February (tomorrow), Cleaning Services will be conducting the second bi-monthly fridge cleaning on each floor.

Please be aware that any food (sandwiches, yoghurts etc) and containers will be thrown out on this date regardless of food used by dates. Contents that will remain 'safe' in the fridge and not thrown out are butters, sauces, milk, and jams.

Any personal items (tupperware, breads etc) and foods if you wish to keep, please remove each Friday bi-monthly cleaning date.

Kind regards

Facilities Management Helpdesk

As always ordinary office tasks take on the importance of a major event requiring planning appropriate to a major military operation. You are not invading Normandy – you are cleaning a fridge!

There are so many aspects of this email that have caused me to roll me eyes in disbelief. Bread is apparently a personal item akin to Tupperware. Bread is not personal - it’s perishable. Yogurt, regardless of the use-by date, is going to be expunged from the fridge forthwith. Seems a bit harsh. Can’t we settle our differences and get along. If yogurt is allowed to live alongside butters, sauces and jams we truly would have a multicultural fridge... I feel compelled to rescue the innocent yogurt tubs caught in the middle of this highly organised hygiene holocaust. I wonder if it is worth hiding some yogurt inside some Tupperware in an Anne Frank-in-the-attic attempt to evade the cruel clutches of the fridge-cleaning Gestapo? Similarly, in a desperate attempt to have their lives spared, bottles of Yakult could have small signs hanging from their necks reading, “We are not yogurt – we are but innocent milk infused with Dr Shirota’s special Shirota bacteria strain.”

I just hope this crisis can be resolved quicker than the explosive time a decomposing loaf of Helga’s bread was discovered on the middle shelf of the fridge, an incident forever remembered as the Middle Yeast Crisis of 2007...

Nanny McPhee and the Office Nightmare

Last night I had a work-related nightmare. The frightening ghoul that disturbed my slumber came in the inelegant form of a co-worker at a previous workplace whom I had nicknamed Grey Rae. Grey Rae was so called because both her personality and dress were far from colourful. It is difficult to describe Grey Rae facially or physically without exaggerating or being unnecessarily cruel but it would not be inaccurate for me to say that she would not have looked out of place in a Breugel painting, perhaps as a peasant woman selling tubers from a barrel. In my dream Grey Rae’s features had been distorted so that she resembled, physically, a law office version of Nanny Mc Phee. Regrettably while Grey Rae had morphed into the foul warted and exuberantly nosed appearance of Nanny McPhee she did not bring with it the singular Nanny’s plucky personality and subtle charm. In my dream Grey Rae merely turned in her swivel chair towards me repeating with increasing anger and loudness, “I would never renew your contract!” I would never renew your contract! I would never renew your contract!” Hilarious! I woke up distressed until I realised that I am no longer at that job and that, regardless, Grey Rae was never in a position to negotiate my contract.



As Grey Rae is the topic of this post I cannot help but recall the image of the Grey One sitting in the asymmetrical glass office we nicknamed the penthouse. She sat staring at her computer screen with such lack of movement, intensity and concentration that to this day I am convinced that she was watching DVD’s on her computer. If she was I can assure you she was not watching a comedy...

Red-Tape Worms

It is one of work life’s ironies that when attempting to reduce red tape governments and corporations are only comfortable doing this by unfurling more red tape. "Red tape," for those who live in a remote island paradise or are hotel heiresses and are unfamiliar with the term, is the derisive term to describe excessive regulation or rigid conformity to formal rules that is hinders or prevents action or decision-making.



So who do we call in when we need to cut red tape?? Apparently you bring in the lamely, and paradoxically named ‘Red Tape Champions.’ Where I work these so-called Champions have brought in new processes to make sure that we are not creating too many processes. The lack of logic makes my head hurt!

The Rise and Fall of Yogi Bear

Time: Monday morning 9am
Subject: Impromptu meeting with Acting Manager
Result: Further disinterest in work and lack of respect for superiors.
Cause: See below

Within minutes of arriving at work after an unpleasantly warm walk Yogi Bear asked to have a meeting with me. As Yogi is the Acting Manager for a period of two weeks this meeting occurred in the Manager’s office, much to Yogi’s delight. During the meeting he referred to the fact he was a manager at least five times. Phrases like, “Well it is all busy busy busy when you are the manager” and “Now I have all these extra tasks because I am the manager" were falling from his lips like froth from a rabid dog.

Any conversation with Yogi turns into a Q and A session with Yogi in the role of Quiz Master. This is infuriating, regardless of whether you know the answer or not. More often than not Yogi will make a statement and then ask, “Are you following this?” in the voice and manner of a patronising carer conversing with an elderly dementia patient. What makes this incredibly infuriating is that the topics covered in his quizzes are easy to grasp and, by mere chance, concepts that I know more about than he does. Prior to today’s meeting I had long thought that Yogi himself does not know the answers to some of the questions he tests me with. Today the topic of project management was discussed in the meeting and what follows is a rough transcript of proceedings that proved my theory correct.

Yogi: So...the three constraints of Project Management.

David: *pause* Yes?

Yogi: What are they?

David: It’s a bit early on Monday morning for a test haha

Yogi: I want you to answer.

David: Seriously?

Yogi: Yes. As your manager I need to know you grasp the fundamentals David.

David: Ok. Here goes. The three constraints of project management. Firstly, Time.

Yogi: *nods*

David: Cost

Yogi: *nods*

David: (I know the very simple answer but cannot fight my urge to stir the pot) um...gee...what is it...

Yogi: Can you remember?

David: Nope. Haha. I blame Monday Morning.

Yogi: Think harder.

David: Nope. Not happening sorry. Haha. Oh well. I guess you will have to tell me.

Yogi: *silence*

David: What is it?

Yogi: *silence*

David: Ooh now I am really intrigued. What is the third constraint?

Yogi: *silence*

David: Ok well you tell me and I will write it down so I don’t forget it!

Yogi: But I asked you.

David: Yes but I do not know. And you obviously do know. Otherwise you would not have asked me! *exterior - wide-eyed innocent look, interior - devilish grin*

Yogi: *silence*

Yogi: Ok well it is probably time for us to end this meeting and get on with our work Yes? I imagine you are busy yourself – As you know I have so much work to do this week...as I am the manager.


HILARIOUS!

Working Girl

When I started my new job I began receiving emails from the Women in Management Association. This occurred due to an administrative error and not because they discovered I cried during Beaches. What follows is a series of email conversations I had with Cindy from the Women in Management Association.


From: Cindy

Sent: Monday, 16 November 2009 12:08 PM

To: Women in Management Email list

Subject: Are you interested in supporting young women gain success in work and life?

Hi Everyone
I hope you all enjoyed the Women in Management meeting last week!

Please see below an email from YWCA, seeking female mentors for young women.

If you are interested, please contact me.

Regards
Cindy
_____________________________________________-
From: David

Sent: Monday, 16 November 2009 12:11 PM

To: Cindy

Subject: RE: Are you interested in supporting young women gain success in work and life?

Hello Cindy

I just noticed that I am on the Working Women email list (I presume Admin or IT copied a female colleague’s email lists when setting my email up when I began work recently).

As I am not a woman, and I am not currently considering a change to become one, I should probably not be on this list.

Can you remove me from this list?

Regards

David

_____________________________________________

From: Cindy

Sent: Monday, 16 November 2009 12:13 PM

To: David

Subject: RE: Are you interested in supporting young women gain success in work and life?

Hi David
Thanks for the notification – will take you off the list.
You are always welcome to come and join the ‘better’ gender!
Cindy

A week later however I was evidently still on the list...
_____________________________________________

From: Cindy
Sent: Tuesday, 24 November 2009 6:08 PM

To: Women in Management Email list

Subject: Women in Management Lunch


Hi Everyone


I still have some seats left if people would like to go the Women in Management Lunch – Please let me know by COB tomorrow if you would like to go.

Cindy
_____________________________________________
From: David

Sent: Thursday, 26 November 2009 9:41 AM

To: Cindy
Subject: RE: Women in Management


Cindy...

Have you left me on the Women in Management email list to tempt me to join the better gender?

It will not work I tell you!


_____________________________________________
From: Cindy
Sent: Thursday, 26 November 2009 10:58 AM

To: David

Subject: RE: A few things


Man!!!! (no pun intended)….I have taken your name off about 6 times, and it keeps reappearing!!!!

I think its you – you really want to come to the other side don’t you……you keep adding your name back onto the list…..

Sorry!!!! I will see what I can do, but maybe you should just give up and come along!

Cindy

Perhaps I should Cindy, perhaps I should. Another email sent to Women in Management arrived in my inbox just before Christmas.

From: Cindy

Sent: Tuesday, 22 December 2009 8:40 PM

To: Women in Management Email list

Subject: Last email from me this year....


Hi Everyone
Just a quick email before I go on leave…woo hoo!

Thank you to those that responded to the survey on the Women in Leadership Action Plan. We are well on our way in developing the next action plan, and we have some really exciting and innovative ideas!

Merry Christmas!
Cindy

_____________________________________________
From: David

Sent: Wednesday, 23 December 2009 9:10 AM

To: Cindy

Subject: RE: Last email from me this year....

Merry Christmas Cindy!
_____________________________________________
From: Cindy

Sent: Wednesday, 23 December 2009 10:23 AM

To: David

Subject: RE: Last email from me this year....

You know, I checked the list again, your name was on it again, so I deleted it again....and you still got it again.....

My female intuition tells me you should be a special honorary member of the Women in Management Association!

Merry Christmas to you too David!

Explain this:

Today, at work, while I was in the bathroom a colleague came in washed his hands, then unzipped and used the urinal, then walked out without washing his hands. I do not get it. If you are going to wash only once per bathroom visit surely you wash after you have touched your genitals and expelled waste?

Revised Christmas Carol for Office Workers

Away in a Manger redux

Away in the office
Wishing he was still in bed
The Little Lord David
Laid down his bored head

The manager in her office
Looked down where he lay
The little Lord David
Asleep on his In-Tray

The telephone is ringing
Poor employee awakes
And little Lord David
Sad faces he makes.

If you're happy and you know it please don't show it...

This inter-office email forced a wry smile from my lips.

Hi Level Two Workers

There is a card for M--- B--- on my desk to congratulate her on her upcoming
wedding. I will be sending this card to Level 1 at 4:30 today so if you want to
sign it please come and see me before then.

Please respect that M-- does not want a big fuss made.

Regards,

A---

Office life is such an etiquette minefield. Must we be told how sincere or expressive our congratulations are?

How about I congratulate her but not really mean it? Will that suffice?