Two people sent emails to me with grammatical errors today.
Firstly I was informed that…
A list of the boards are provided below.
List is singular! It should be ‘is provided below’ And let's not forget that apostrophe for the boards i.e. boards'.
And then a senior legal officer sent me this asking…
What is there status? Their status!!That phrase would only work if I was a Roman named Status during the time of the Caesars and my questioner was asking, “Why go to Adelaide for a holiday? What is there, Status?
Not to mention the fact that the stationery cupboard’s name is Stationary Cupboard.
This work email amused me…. I think there is a word missing.
_____________________________________________ As we get acclimatised to working within our new divisions, just a small point that Ursula has asked me to pass on re communication processes.
· if you get a direct request from an ED or the CE, please put the draft written response back through me. This will need to go up Ursula.
Today is Moving Day! I am moving to my fourth government department in less than two years. My stationery, files and Tintin posters are packed into boxes and I am waiting for someone wearing King Gees or Stubbies to move them to Victoria Square for me.
How naïve I was to think my peripatetic work life might cease when I scored a permanent job. HA! Instead I am… On the Road Again…
On the Road Again by Willie Nelson
The song title is appropriate but if you read the lyrics Willie seems a bit happier with being ‘on the road’ than me…(that might be due to his marijuana intake though)
On the road again Just can't wait to get on the road again The life I love is making music with my friends And I can't wait to get on the road again
On the road again Goin' places that I've never been Seein' things that I may never see again And I can't wait to get on the road again
On the road again Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway We're the best of friends Insisting that the world keep turning our way and our way
Is on the road again I just can't wait to get on the road again The life I love is making music with my friends And I can't wait to get on the road again
On the road again Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway We're the best of friends Insisting that the world keep turning our way and our way
Is on the road again Just can't wait to get on the road again The life I love is making music with my friends And I can't wait to get on the road again And I can't wait to get on the road again
One happy-happy-gay-gay fortnight ago I was feeling, “absurdly happy” and chose the 1960’s glee-filled pop classic Sunshine Lollipops and Rainbows by Lesley Gore as my Song of the Week. This week I am wallowing in the misery caused by the fact that I have been forcefully moved to another department to do a job thatI have very little interest in. The grotesquely corpulent cherry on this pie-in-the-face is that I will have to work with my least favourite colleague, an obnoxious, obese and verbose bore. A Yogi Bore in fact.
What have I done to deserve this? I keep asking myself a question that Travis asked too, Why does it always rain on me? And yes, LeAnn Rimes – I feel Blue too.
But I cannot allow my Song of the Week to assist my slide into misery. Instead I need a self-empowerment song that will inspire (and possibly delude) me. I need to be a Survivor! I need the “will to Survive.” What I need is the…
Risin' up, back on the street Did my time, took my chances Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet Just a man and his will to survive
So many times, it happens too fast You change your passion for glory Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past You must fight just to keep them alive
Chorus: It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight Risin' up to the challenge of our rival And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger
Face to face, out in the heat Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry They stack the odds 'til we take to the street For we kill with the skill to survive
Chorus
Risin' up, straight to the top Have the guts, got the glory Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop Just a man and his will to survive
I received a generic mass email at work today informing me that the new Minister of our department would be visiting our floor within the hour. The email said the Chief Executive will guide the Minister around the floor and introduce him to important people. The email also contained this request “Can we please ensure that our working areas are tidy for this visit” which managed to be patronising, maternal and unnecessary all at once.
My colleagues greeted the news of this walk-and-talk with the sort of excitement and enthusiasm one would expect from a monarchist housewife who had just been told the Queen was about to visit for afternoon tea and was it alright if she brought along that lovely cravat wearing host from Masterchef as well. Desks were tidied, nerves were jangled, rarely sighted ‘intelligent and industrious’ poses were rehearsed and lipstick was reapplied.
As the Minister’s arrival time drew near, my colleagues pretended to look busy, whilst intently listening for the ’ping’ noise of the elevator which heralds the arrival of someone to the floor, today the Minister, but usually a bicycle courier.
Five minutes after his arrival time had passed rumours spread around the office, “The Minister is NOT coming” followed by, “Something urgent has come up” and then finally, “Well if he is going to come, I wish he’d hurry up!” (That ‘intelligent and industrious’ pose is exhausting to maintain afterall…)
And then an email arrived in our Inboxes informing us that the Minister would not be coming. No explanation was provided, that common courtesy deemed not to be required. As the email was read, sighs of relief and disappointment echoed throughout the office. Within a minute office life returned to normal… It was as though it had never happened. Which is true, I guess, because in the end it didn’t.
05 July 2010: Deja vu. Last week I received an email saying the Minister was visiting. Today I received another email cancelling the visit.
12 July 2010: Deja vu vu. Today I received another email announcing a visit by the Minister followed by an email cancelling that visit. Unbelievable!
This morning I witnessed the least successful attempt to dissect a Scotch Finger biscuit ever. It was an ‘epic fail’. A pack of Arnott’s Assorted Biscuits was on the table during a meeting. A new colleague, on only his third day of work, selected a Scotch Finger biscuit and attempted to snap apart the conjoined ‘fingers’, as required by biscuit eating convention. Somehow, he managed to decimate the biscuit, scattering crumbs all over his suit pants, the desk and the carpeted floor leaving barely a stump of biscuit remaining, let alone the two majestic and moreish ‘fingers’ he was aiming for.
I was asked by a Manager to write a quick informal and internal email with some legal advice. In this response I had to use the phrase ‘decontamination process’ which I accidentally typed as ‘decontaminating process’
The response I got back criticised me for this error (which was inconsequential to the advice given).
The response was:
“Pleas David wathc the correct spelling”
If I was not so unamused by this reponse I guess I would have laughed...
Every month or so this girl Sarah emails the whole office with the Subject: I have Bus Tickets – there is never anything in the body of the email.
I imagine that this must mean something to all the other employees here – maybe she buys them for the office social club and gets them at a wholesale discount...(but then why does she call them Bus Tickets when they are called Metro Tickets and can also be used on trains and trams)...I personally think that maybe she is just a bit ‘special’ and everyone politely turns a blind eye to poor Sarah and her deranged emails...
From: Sarah Sent: Tuesday, 16 March 2010 12:19 PM To: Level 2 Subject: I have Bus Tickets
The other day I got to work at 8.50am. The other 4 members of my team were gathered around the desk next to mine. I said hello to all of them and they all said hello back, including my ursine colleague Yogi Bear who then said
“David got all his ‘good mornings’ out in one go. That is the benefit of being the last person in to work."
Was he having a dig about me being allegedly late for work? Surely not I thought. Give Yogi the benefit of the doubt, I thought.
But then he said, "I will have to get in late tomorrow like David and do that.”
Merry Fridge Cleaning Everyone! Can you believe it is the ‘second bi-monthly fridge cleaning for my office building’ already?? I must not have even noticed the Fridge Cleaning carollers singing from fridge door to door , I have not even purchased my Happy Fridge Cleaning cards and I have no idea what to buy my Fridge Kindle...
If you missed this significant event here is the email I received this morning heralding the important event:
Please be advised that this Friday 12th February (tomorrow), Cleaning Services will be conducting the second bi-monthly fridge cleaning on each floor.
Please be aware that any food (sandwiches, yoghurts etc) and containers will be thrown out on this date regardless of food used by dates. Contents that will remain 'safe' in the fridge and not thrown out are butters, sauces, milk, and jams.
Any personal items (tupperware, breads etc) and foods if you wish to keep, please remove each Friday bi-monthly cleaning date.
Kind regards
Facilities Management Helpdesk
As always ordinary office tasks take on the importance of a major event requiring planning appropriate to a major military operation. You are not invading Normandy – you are cleaning a fridge!
There are so many aspects of this email that have caused me to roll me eyes in disbelief. Bread is apparently a personal item akin to Tupperware. Bread is not personal - it’s perishable. Yogurt, regardless of the use-by date, is going to be expunged from the fridge forthwith. Seems a bit harsh. Can’t we settle our differences and get along. If yogurt is allowed to live alongside butters, sauces and jams we truly would have a multicultural fridge... I feel compelled to rescue the innocent yogurt tubs caught in the middle of this highly organised hygiene holocaust. I wonder if it is worth hiding some yogurt inside some Tupperware in an Anne Frank-in-the-attic attempt to evade the cruel clutches of the fridge-cleaning Gestapo? Similarly, in a desperate attempt to have their lives spared, bottles of Yakult could have small signs hanging from their necks reading, “We are not yogurt – we are but innocent milk infused with Dr Shirota’s special Shirota bacteria strain.”
I just hope this crisis can be resolved quicker than the explosive time a decomposing loaf of Helga’s bread was discovered on the middle shelf of the fridge, an incident forever remembered as the Middle Yeast Crisis of 2007...
It is one of work life’s ironies that when attempting to reduce red tape governments and corporations are only comfortable doing this by unfurling more red tape. "Red tape," for those who live in a remote island paradise or are hotel heiresses and are unfamiliar with the term, is the derisive term to describe excessive regulation or rigid conformity to formal rules that is hinders or prevents action or decision-making.
So who do we call in when we need to cut red tape?? Apparently you bring in the lamely, and paradoxically named ‘Red Tape Champions.’ Where I work these so-called Champions have brought in new processes to make sure that we are not creating too many processes. The lack of logic makes my head hurt!
Time: Monday morning 9am Subject: Impromptu meeting with Acting Manager Result: Further disinterest in work and lack of respect for superiors. Cause: See below
Within minutes of arriving at work after an unpleasantly warm walk Yogi Bear asked to have a meeting with me. As Yogi is the Acting Manager for a period of two weeks this meeting occurred in the Manager’s office, much to Yogi’s delight. During the meeting he referred to the fact he was a manager at least five times. Phrases like, “Well it is all busy busy busy when you are the manager” and “Now I have all these extra tasks because I am the manager" were falling from his lips like froth from a rabid dog.
Any conversation with Yogi turns into a Q and A session with Yogi in the role of Quiz Master. This is infuriating, regardless of whether you know the answer or not. More often than not Yogi will make a statement and then ask, “Are you following this?” in the voice and manner of a patronising carer conversing with an elderly dementia patient. What makes this incredibly infuriating is that the topics covered in his quizzes are easy to grasp and, by mere chance, concepts that I know more about than he does. Prior to today’s meeting I had long thought that Yogi himself does not know the answers to some of the questions he tests me with. Today the topic of project management was discussed in the meeting and what follows is a rough transcript of proceedings that proved my theory correct.
Yogi: So...the three constraints of Project Management.
David: *pause* Yes?
Yogi: What are they?
David: It’s a bit early on Monday morning for a test haha
Yogi: I want you to answer.
David: Seriously?
Yogi: Yes. As your manager I need to know you grasp the fundamentals David.
David: Ok. Here goes. The three constraints of project management. Firstly, Time.
Yogi: *nods*
David: Cost
Yogi: *nods*
David: (I know the very simple answer but cannot fight my urge to stir the pot) um...gee...what is it...
Yogi: Can you remember?
David: Nope. Haha. I blame Monday Morning.
Yogi: Think harder.
David: Nope. Not happening sorry. Haha. Oh well. I guess you will have to tell me.
Yogi: *silence*
David: What is it?
Yogi: *silence*
David: Ooh now I am really intrigued. What is the third constraint?
Yogi: *silence*
David: Ok well you tell me and I will write it down so I don’t forget it!
Yogi: But I asked you.
David: Yes but I do not know. And you obviously do know. Otherwise you would not have asked me! *exterior - wide-eyed innocent look, interior - devilish grin*
Yogi: *silence*
Yogi: Ok well it is probably time for us to end this meeting and get on with our work Yes? I imagine you are busy yourself – As you know I have so much work to do this week...as I am the manager.
HILARIOUS!
04 January 2010
Explain this:
Today, at work, while I was in the bathroom a colleague came in washed his hands, then unzipped and used the urinal, then walked out without washing his hands. I do not get it. If you are going to wash only once per bathroom visit surely you wash after you have touched your genitals and expelled waste?
This inter-office email forced a wry smile from my lips.
Hi Level Two Workers
There is a card for M--- B--- on my desk to congratulate her on her upcoming wedding. I will be sending this card to Level 1 at 4:30 today so if you want to sign it please come and see me before then.
Please respect that M-- does not want a big fuss made.
Regards,
A---
Office life is such an etiquette minefield. Must we be told how sincere or expressive our congratulations are?
How about I congratulate her but not really mean it? Will that suffice?
I just endured a dull human resources related meeting in a drab windowless boardroom. Essentially this meeting was an exercise in humouring the Human Resources Division while attempting to justify their existence. During the meeting the convenor asked me to ‘populate’ a document. I think her intention was for me to fill the document in but with ludicrous office speech who really knows. Considering I was being asked to populate I was tempted to use Peter Costello as my inspiration and fill in one form for Mum, one form for Dad and one form for my country...
