Tickling your fanny bone...

Wikipedia's Article of the Day was about the Cock Lane Ghost in London. Here is the precis of the page emailed to me.

Fanny scratching in 18th-century London's Cock Lane was so notorious that interested bystanders often blocked the street. It became the focus of a religious controversy between Methodists and orthodox Anglicans, and was reported on by celebrities of the period such as Samuel Johnson. Charles Dickens referred to the phenomenon in several of his books, including Nicholas Nickleby and A Tale of Two Cities, and other Victorian authors also alluded to it in their work. One enterprising resident diverted the crowds that gathered in Cock Lane by allowing them to converse with a ghost he claimed was haunting his home, to which he charged an entrance fee. Fanny scratching eventually resulted in several prosecutions, and the pillorying of a father for encouraging his 11-year-old daughter to take part.

Bizarre.

Weird Books make excellent Kris Kringle presents!

Struggling for Christmas presents at the last minute? Might I suggest one of the following fascinating and weirdly-titled books?

Why Do I Vomit?

What Not to Wear on a Horse

What Moles Tell You About Yourself

teach your WIFE to be a WIDOW:

A wise and comprehensive guide book for all wives prudent enough to prepare for that time when they may become head of the family.

How to Start your own Country

SOAP through the ages

The Popular Book of British Seaweeds

(which makes me wonder how dull the 'unpopular' Book of British Seaweeds must have been...)

The Great Pantyhose Crafts Book

Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Mind Power:

How to Use the Other 90 % of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts

Make Your Own Sex Toys:

30 Quick and Easy Projects with Step-by-Step Pictures. A Personal Guide to a Better Sex Life.

(WTF? Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! )

Jewish Chess Masters on STAMPS

This must have been the sequel to 'Finnish Poker Champs on COINS'

The Humanure Handbook:

A guide to composting human manure.

Forensic Examination of Rubber Stamps

Erotic Dots:

Join the Dots to Create 69 Sexy and Exciting Pictures

(Hilarious! I want to see a porno Paint by Numbers next!)

Who Cares About Old People

The Recently Deflowered Girl:

The Right Thing to Say on Every Dubious Occasion

Remember Your Rubbers!:

Collectible Condom Containers - with values.

(This book comes in it's own slipcase...)

Castration: The Advantages and Disadvantages

(This version is complete and unabridged... :P)

Cadaver Dog Book:

Forensic Training and Tactics for the Recovery of Human Remains

(Apparently the working title for the book was FETCH!)

The Beverly Hillbillies Bible Study

(I'm offering a prize to anyone who can tell me what this book could possibly be about)

Anticraft:

Knitting Beading and Stitching for the Slightly Sinister

All About Scabs

and finally..................

50 Ways to Use Feminine Hygiene Products in a MANLY MANNER (for the Self-Assured Male)

Salad Cluedo: Colonel Mustard in the Back Door with the Cucumber

A man from Hong Kong who was rushed to hospital with a cucumber inserted in his rear has claimed he was trying to commit suicide hari kari style. Hmmm... A likely story!

I am not convinced he wanted to die before he was caught, but quite possibly he welcomed death after he was caught...

I guess the only question to ask is: Was it suicide or merely saladincide?

-

Hard Labour

A prison inmate in the United States has endured a 55 hour erection and is suing the nurse who allegedly administered anti-psychotic drugs that allegedly induced the long-lasting erection. Amusingly the accused Nurse, Judith Lovelace shares a surname with Deep Throat porn star Linda Lovelace.






http://www.nypost.com/seven/06072009/news/regionalnews/55_hr__erection_agony_173057.htm

Totally Forked

Retired Rugby league player Matthew Johns has been the focus of the media this week due to the revelation that he, and fellow teammates, had group sex with a woman in 2002. Ignoring the morals debate and the very loose interpretation of the phrase 'group sex' I found a comment by Sports psychologist Noel Blundell in The Australian unintentionally amusing. Blundell, talking about the method of educating the players, says

"There's no single-pronged attack - there has to be a multi-pronged attack"

And here I was thinking multi-pronging was what got the Rugby players into trouble in the first place...

Tabloid Headlines of the Week.

On the Herald Sun website "They're Flogging a Gift Horse" was the header for an 'article' about the free gifts 'celebrities' receive when they attend the Logies. Considering the bad press the prize-giving ceremony received I should have thought that the headline could have referred to the process of doling out the Logies themselves...

The sexual congress of an amorous couple on the lawns of Windsor Castle, while the Queen was in residence, was sex-romp, multi-inch fodder for the tabloid dailies in the UK this week. Hats, or indeed, clothes off to the sub-editor at The Sun for the following headline for the story that revealed the identities of the lawn lovers

"This one and this one are the ones who gave each other one on one's lawn"

Snigger.

Without a Clue Klux Klan

A continent of black people really does not need a crazy white man in a white hooded-robe encouraging them to endanger their lives. However that has not stopped Pope Benedict XVI, currently touring Africa, from preaching that AIDS "is a tragedy that cannot be overcome by money alone, that cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which even aggravates the problems".

What is Benny One-Six thinking?

Oh what a feelin' ...

Alec: So you know how I went home with Dragonfly the other night…
Eton: You went upstairs for coffee huh?
Alec: Yeah something like that. Well anyway when I got back to my car I had a flat tyre.
Eton: aww bummer
Alec: Bummer indeed. Cost me $150 and I had to change a tyre!
Eton: So have you seen this Bumblee..
Alec: It’s Dragonfly, The nickname is Dragonfly.
Eton: OK so have you seen Dragonthingy again?
Alec: Well, this is the thing - I met up with Dragonfly again and after I dropped him off I got a speeding fine within 2 blocks of his place.
Eton: Nasty - how much was it?
Alec: 200 bucks
Eton: So what you are telling me is that you are down over 350 dollars for two sessions with this guy.
Alec: Yep
Eton: Was it worth it?
Alec: Well now I am not so sure…
Eton: You going to see him again?
Alec: I am not sure I can afford to…

************************

Alec: So anyway I think this must be some higher being's way of telling me to stop sleeping with Dragonfly
Eton: God? You think God cares about who you are tapping?
Alec: Well I dunno…
Eton: (thinking) Maybe it has nothing to do with Dragonfly… maybe God just wants you to stop driving your car so much…
Alec: Maybe… I once got a parking fine when I stayed the night at some random’s place…
Eton: See. There you go.
Alec: And once I had my aerial broken…
Eton: (smiling) God wants you to cut your emissions…
Alec: Funny.
Eton: Carbon neutral carnality perhaps…Environmentally Friendly Fornication…
Alec: OK enough already!
Eton: So what you going to do?
Alec: I don’t know… ride a bike…
Eton: It will probably get stolen, or you’ll get a flat…ha ha
Alec: So what can I do?
Eton: Walk. I think that’s your only way to beat this thing…
Alec: So no more Dragonfly?
Eton: I think it’s jinxed…
Alec: Hmmm. Well I sure hope there are some good looking guys within walking distance….
Eton: That’s the spirit.

Ramp Romp

A few months ago I lamented the fact that I was without a partner and yet the World's Fattest Man (WFM), seemingly fighting against greater odds than I, had found a loving partner who he was about to marry. (An acute observer might argue that my standards are too high and that the WFM's fiance's standards were too low but that's neither here nor there...)


So... as I contemplate another night in bed with only my childhood teddy bear for company I am less than pleased to read this article telling me about the 'heavenly,' yet logistically complex, love-making of the WFM and the WFM Wife, who are pictured below.






Reports have revealed that the WFM's friends built him a ramp for him to get on so he could 'get it on.' The ramp, reinforced with concrete, enabled the WFM to raise portions of his lower body to allow "greater access to his private parts."


The WFM told a newspaper, "We have finally had sex and we are a true couple in the eyes of God," IN THE EYES OF GOD?? For God's sake I hope the Almighty had poor eyesight....and I guess if he didn't, well...he certainly does now...

WARNING - CRAZY DELUSIONAL PERSON

I think that someone with lots of money to spend has a crush on me. I am being serious. For some months now I have noticed that this person has been putting up messages in public places asking me for sex. The request is very direct and a phone number is attached and I am told to call. I am afraid. I think this person must be following me. They knew that I was taking a different route to work because I was house-sitting and put those signs asking me for sex on the roads that I traveled to get to work. I am worried. Should I call the police?




Anyway I have included a picture of one of the signs below... If you know anything about the person putting these messages up can you tell me? Or tell them to stop?

WHY WON'T THEY LEAVE ME ALONE????

Equality? Nun.

It was with great excitement that I welcomed the news that the Roman Catholic Church was offering female members of religious orders the same opportunities as males. Gender equality, finally! So will there be female priests you ask. Um...No. However, like sexy priests (blogged previously) hot nuns can finally be appreciated for their physical beauty instead of distracting us with all that boring pious charity work.

Italian priest Reverend Antonio Rungi is organising an online beauty pageant for nuns on his blog. The Miss Sister 2008 pageant will give attractive nuns from around the world a chance to show off their beauty and good works. *Insert eye rolling here*

"Hey sexy nun - want to worship something that takes less than 3 days to rise..."

Which reminds me...



Short-listed titles for this post include:

- Filthy habits

- Nuns you will want to nail against the convent wall.

- M(S)ILF - Mother Superiors I'd Like to Fuck

- Hot Cross Nuns

Look who's hot under the dog-collar

Organisers for the Catholic World Youth Day distributed a calendar featuring sexy priests to media outlets, news.com.au reported today.

Has the Church embraced sex as a means of redressing a decline in church attendance numbers? Presumably the church considers it has recovered from the many years of less-than-positive media featuring the words 'priest' and 'sex' in the same headline.

The calendar is not produced by the Vatican but the priests in question have 'sat' for their portraits which suggests the highly organised and bureaucratic church has given tacit approval to the involvement by the 'sexy' priests. The distribution of the calendar by World Youth Day organisers is demonstrative of this approval.

Feel free to make your own amusing captions to this portrait of a priest and a pussy. Best caption wins a glass of your favourite alcoholic beverage (consecrated wine can be arranged) next time i see you out!

Missionary Position, (or I don't Pope my cork for every man I meet...)

"World Youth Day tourism expected to boost sex trade" is the type of headline that will always get my attention. (For those of you who are unaware, World Youth Day is not simply a celebration for young people, but instead cleverly marketed Christian propaganda.) Unsurprisingly, the organisers of WYD responded to this claim with “I’d be surprised if the sex industry gets a boost from a religious event.” Considering the proportion of attendees who are children that is probably a good thing. However to suggest that because you are religious you do not engage in casual and/or mercantile sexual activities is plainly ridiculous and dangerous.

I am also choosing to ignore the veritable goldmine of obvious innuendo I could glean from the combination of youth/sex/priest in this post...

But I will end the post with this rather sweet invitation from a 'Functions Manager' at a Sydney strip-club;
"We're not making any special preparations for World Youth Day,"
she said.
"But we'll keep a table reserved for the Pope."

Nice.