Caption Competition

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! There is a new Caption Competition.

All you have to do is come up with an amusing caption for this photo of Hamas fighters in Gaza. Best caption wins the respect of his peers and maybe an icy-pole...

Enter via the comments tab below.

Caption Competition Winner

The winner of the Caption Competition is AlexRocks with "Pricasso rejected the suggestion he could only paint 'miniatures'"

Thanks to everyone who entered -a new competition will start soon.

The Mane concern is spelling...

There is a typing mistake on a sign at this costume shop.

On the window they have a list of costumes they offer...

This list includes what can only be a typo...

I am assuming that they do not have actually have a LOIN Tamer costume and that they actually intended to advertise the more obvious LION Tamer costume they presumably have available.


Unless of course they have some 'fat ladies in leggings' costumes...cos that would tame my loins...

Freddy Krueger Scream-ed because he is a bit scared

I find it amusing that Wes Craven the director of the most popular scary movies that have come out of Hollywood in the past twenty years has a surname that means cowardly.

NEW Caption Competition

The Caption Competition Returns! Simply come up with a caption for the photo, click on the comments tab below and then type your caption suggestion.

The photo is of South African artist Tim Patch, who calls himself 'Pricasso', painting a portrait of a woman using his penis at the Sexpo in Johannesburg.




The composer of the funniest caption gets a drink at the expense of my wallet one night. If you are cute or interesting I might even buy you two. Have fun with this one infense readers!

From handcuffs to the 'old ball and chain'

Just when you thought the marriage of commercial television and reality TV had borne enough base, forgettable and lamentable TV shows comes this press release from Channel 9…

Following the incredible success of The Farmer Wants a Wife the Nine Network presents the much anticipated new series The Inmate Wants a Wife .

The Inmate Wants a Wife is offering some of Australia's most eligible prison inmates a chance to meet the partner of their dreams and to satisfy their currently unmet needs. The series follows the story of Australian criminals, both white and blue collar, exploring new relationships and trying to find someone they can spend
the rest of their lives with, once their sentence is served or they are paroled.

A one-off two-hour special will feature two female inmates. These ‘jailbirds’ will be looking to find themselves a husband.

Hmmm. Tasteful.

Ramp Romp

A few months ago I lamented the fact that I was without a partner and yet the World's Fattest Man (WFM), seemingly fighting against greater odds than I, had found a loving partner who he was about to marry. (An acute observer might argue that my standards are too high and that the WFM's fiance's standards were too low but that's neither here nor there...)


So... as I contemplate another night in bed with only my childhood teddy bear for company I am less than pleased to read this article telling me about the 'heavenly,' yet logistically complex, love-making of the WFM and the WFM Wife, who are pictured below.






Reports have revealed that the WFM's friends built him a ramp for him to get on so he could 'get it on.' The ramp, reinforced with concrete, enabled the WFM to raise portions of his lower body to allow "greater access to his private parts."


The WFM told a newspaper, "We have finally had sex and we are a true couple in the eyes of God," IN THE EYES OF GOD?? For God's sake I hope the Almighty had poor eyesight....and I guess if he didn't, well...he certainly does now...

WARNING - CRAZY DELUSIONAL PERSON

I think that someone with lots of money to spend has a crush on me. I am being serious. For some months now I have noticed that this person has been putting up messages in public places asking me for sex. The request is very direct and a phone number is attached and I am told to call. I am afraid. I think this person must be following me. They knew that I was taking a different route to work because I was house-sitting and put those signs asking me for sex on the roads that I traveled to get to work. I am worried. Should I call the police?




Anyway I have included a picture of one of the signs below... If you know anything about the person putting these messages up can you tell me? Or tell them to stop?

WHY WON'T THEY LEAVE ME ALONE????

But do they use predictive text...?

I am glad that I live in an age when elephants can send text messages.

In Kenya bull elephants have been equipped with mobile phone SIM cards which automatically send SMS text messages to rangers if the elephants venture too close to villages and farms. This is because the elephants can cause catastrophic economic loss through crop devastation. Instead of culling the endangered animals after they have damaged the crops the rangers can now drive them away from the villages and crops before any harm is done.

"In ye olde black and white times elephants had to find a phone box to alert the villagers . "

It would be nice if the technology could be modified to allow the elephants to send personal messages to their spouses. For instance,
"Honey can you pick up an acacia tree on your way home. I don't feel like cooking."
or
"Darling I heard there are a few mice on the A47 - you might want to take a different track home."

Just a thought.

Caption Competition # 6 Winner

Thanks for your entries people. Lots of folk have told me how much they enjoyed them.
The winner is Jono with...

"The townsfolk of Bred love being in Bred"

Special mention to Kyran for his witty debut caption. Look forward to the efforts of Kyran and everyone else next time. For now it is up to Jono to pick a location for his Winner's Drink! New caption coming soon. As well as the usual posts...

Good Looking, Easy Swallowing

I have previously blogged about bizarre book titles. So imagine the sheer joy I experienced when I discovered this book on a shelf last week.

Good Looking, Easy Swallowing - Creative Catering for Modified Texture Diets

Too funny.

For those who are a little prudish I do not suggest you google 'Good Looking, Easy Swallowing' anytime soon, because, well...use your imagination. :)

Caption Competition # 6

Are you feeling tired and rundown?

Not getting enough iron in your diet?

Or are merely peeved because I took so long to post a new Caption Competition. Hmmm?


Well wipe those tears away Pretty Lady 'cos the nice man is going to make it all better. Here 'tis.


Simply add a caption for this picture using the comments link below. The Winner receives the respect of their peers plus either the Hello Deli meat platter from David Letterman's The Late Show (skanky cougar platter girls optional) or a drink at some swanky bar on my coin. Your choice.

Penguin Puffin'

In my office it seems that smoking is an accepted stop-work activity. These smokers ‘need’ a smoke and therefore they pop outside for ten minutes a few times a day to have a puff. They are addicted. Well, it just so happens I am addicted to reading. I wonder if I might be able to pop downstairs for a quick ‘chapter’ a few times a day…

“Filthy habit I know. I have been meaning to quit but when I see someone else thumbing a paperback I just need a hit of text…”

Who you calling Sue?

Yesterday I heard the famous Johnny Cash song, A Boy Named Sue (see below for video and lyrics) about an absent father who gives his son a girl's name, Sue, so that the son will experience the inevitable bullying that a boy with a girl's name would endure in an attempt to make his son a tougher and butcher man than he would ordinarily presumably be if he grew up without a father and was named something normal like Tom...

I think there is an infinitesimally small amount of logic there - perhaps it is country and western logic... However this combination of gender-bending nomenclature and the macho Cowboy/Western ideal got the old grey cells humming and I remembered that both John Wayne (the American actor and macho figure famous for his cowboy roles in Old-West style pictures) and Zane Grey (the literary equivalent of John Wayne who was famous for his depictions of the rugged Old West) were both born with feminine first names! John Wayne was born Marion Morrison and Zane Grey even more unforgiveably was christened Pearl Grey.

He sounds like a lesser known style of Twinings tea.
"hmmm no Earl Gray for me today... I shall have the Pearl Gray..."

Are they the real men named Sue?

"A Boy Named Sue"

My daddy left home when I was three

And he didn't leave much to ma and me

Just this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze

. Now, I don't blame him cause he run and hid

But the meanest thing that he ever did

Was before he left, he went and named me "Sue."

Well, he must o' thought that is quite a joke

And it got a lot of laughs from a' lots of folk,

It seems I had to fight my whole life through.

Some gal would giggle and I'd get red

And some guy'd laugh and I'd bust his head,

I tell ya, life ain't easy for a boy named "Sue."

Well, I grew up quick and I grew up mean,

My fist got hard and my wits got keen,

I'd roam from town to town to hide my shame.

But I made a vow to the moon and stars

That I'd search the honky-tonks and bars

And kill that man who gave me that awful name.

Well, it was Gatlinburg in mid-July

And I just hit town and my throat was dry,

I thought I'd stop and have myself a brew.

At an old saloon on a street of mud,

There at a table, dealing stud,

Sat the dirty, mangy dog that named me "Sue."

Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet dad

From a worn-out picture that my mother'd had,

And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye.

He was big and bent and gray and old,

And I looked at him and my blood ran cold

And I said: "My name is 'Sue!' How do you do!

Now your gonna die!!"

Well, I hit him hard right between the eyes

And he went down, but to my surprise,

He come up with a knife and cut off a piece of my ear.

But I busted a chair right across his teeth

And we crashed through the wall and into the street

Kicking and a' gouging in the mud and the blood and the beer.

I tell ya, I've fought tougher men

But I really can't remember when,

He kicked like a mule and he bit like a crocodile.

I heard him laugh and then I heard him cuss,

He went for his gun and I pulled mine first,

He stood there lookin' at me and I saw him smile.

And he said: "Son, this world is rough

And if a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough

And I knew I wouldn't be there to help ya along.

So I give ya that name and I said goodbye

I knew you'd have to get tough or die

And it's the name that helped to make you strong."

He said: "Now you just fought one hell of a fight

And I know you hate me, and you got the right

To kill me now, and I wouldn't blame you if you do.

But ya ought to thank me, before I die,

For the gravel in ya guts and the spit in ya eye

Cause I'm the son-of-a-bitch that named you "Sue.'"

I got all choked up and I threw down my gun

And I called him my pa, and he called me his son,

And I came away with a different point of view.

And I think about him, now and then,

Every time I try and every time I win,

And if I ever have a son, I think I'm gonna name him

Bill or George! Anything but Sue! I still hate that name!

Caption Competition # 5 Winner

Firstly apologies for the delay in posting the results of the caption competition.

The winner of the 'infense shout' prize is Mr G (Giles) for

Habib was determined to plant that bomb in Fernwood

which combined the cross-dressing and terrorist themes beautifully. Those readers unfamiliar with Fernwood need only be told that Fernwood is a women-only gym to appreciate the full humour of the caption.

When raising a glass does not lead to a toast

Quick question. Since when did glassing become the activity de jour for drunken footballers... It is bad enough when anyone does it ever, or when a drunken footballer does it to another footballer but when they are glassing their wives and girlfriends I struggling to comprehend the activity at all.

There was the case of rugby player Greg Bird glassing his girlfriend and then attempting to use a friend as the fall guy. There is also the Wayne Carey incident which occurred in America.

Invariably, I learn that the victim will try and continue dating her beau despite the fact he smashed a glass in her face. I imagine she will certainly keep one eye on him in future (if, and when, she gets her eyesight back in the other eye she will keep that one on him too...)

One thought - if glassing is smashing a glass in a person's face why is mugging not smashing a mug... :)

OK my rant is over.

The Joy of Chicken and the Anger of Aubergines

The Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year is a competition that amuses me greatly every year. Accordingly, generous chuckles were generated by the news that to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the Oddest Book Title of the Year a 'best of the oddest' competition is being held. Let joy reign unconfined. Odd contenders include...

I love the diplomatic term - 'Solitary Practitioners'

Subtitled 'Towards a politics of exhaustion'

The complete title is 'Highlights in the History of Concrete'

If you think the title is disgustingly suggestive you should see the pictures inside!

Cock? A Doodle? Doo?

'Better a sweater from a dog you know and love than from a sheep you'll never meet.' Priceless!

The accompanying book, 'RATS for those who don't care' comes with a complimentary packet of Rat poison

WTF?

Equality? Nun.

It was with great excitement that I welcomed the news that the Roman Catholic Church was offering female members of religious orders the same opportunities as males. Gender equality, finally! So will there be female priests you ask. Um...No. However, like sexy priests (blogged previously) hot nuns can finally be appreciated for their physical beauty instead of distracting us with all that boring pious charity work.

Italian priest Reverend Antonio Rungi is organising an online beauty pageant for nuns on his blog. The Miss Sister 2008 pageant will give attractive nuns from around the world a chance to show off their beauty and good works. *Insert eye rolling here*

"Hey sexy nun - want to worship something that takes less than 3 days to rise..."

Which reminds me...



Short-listed titles for this post include:

- Filthy habits

- Nuns you will want to nail against the convent wall.

- M(S)ILF - Mother Superiors I'd Like to Fuck

- Hot Cross Nuns

Caption Competition # 5

Is this the new face of terrorism? Got a caption for this pic? Enter by clicking on the comments tab below. Best caption wins the usual prize.

Caption Competition #4 Winner

The winner of the Caption Competition is Josh with

"Terrorise me, Mr Bush, Terrorise me!"

The usual prize and kudos goes his way.

Special mention goes to 'I'll tell you if I win' for his/her entry - "an annoying part of going to the beach: getting bush in your sand"

Remember to enter the new caption competition and spread the word!

Made in China

Beijing 2008

Why is it that almost all stuffed toys are 'Made in China' yet the winners of medals at the Beijing Olympics receive flowers only and not the traditional accompanying stuffed toys? Where are the toy pandas I ask you?!

Sydney 2000

The Good Smutaritan

It is always important to make a good impression when you start a new job. Arrive on time, look busy and smile politely to all. Simple rules. Easy to follow. No undue duress endured whatsoever.

It is probably not a good idea to give your bosses the impression that you are something of a sexual pervert...which is what I did on my second day at my new job which I started last week.

The following sorry tale began as I departed work after my second day. People that know me well will suggest that the word 'departed' should be exchanged for 'fled', thus providing a more vivid and accurate representation of my general office-leaving style.

As I achieved what Steve McQueen's character could not do in that famous film I noticed that a female employee from another section had dropped her purse in the foyer. Noticing that she was oblivious to the extraneous nature of her purse in relation to her handbag I picked the purse up from the floor and headed in her direction bleating "Excuse me" loudly and repeatedly. To no avail. Said woman then turned down a corridor. I followed.

It was my first time in this part of the building. I noticed a door slowly closing at the end of the corridor and on the presumption that the woman had gone 'thattaway' I hastened after her. When I reached the door, which had not yet closed, I placed my hand against it to push it open. As I did just that the woman, presumably had just appreciated her purse-less predicament and presumably had also calculated that the crazy guy following her was undoubtedly crazy yet still even more undoubtedly clutching her much valued purse and attempting to return it to her.

I handed her the purse. She smiled and said "thank you so much" and then went back inside the 'room'. I turned to leave and as I did I noticed that the door I had been holding open was the door to the Women's Toilet. Bemused, I turned to leave the corridor, the hinged door slowly closing behind me, only to see my supervisor staring at me, her new not-meant-to-be-in-the-Women's Toilet male employee, standing in front of the Women's Toilet door, seemingly having just exited said Women's Toilet.

I am not sure if there is a word that accurately coveys the cocktail of confusion, disgust and enveloping fear that her face displayed but it would be an ugly, fearsome word and frankly I should not ever like to hear, read or speak it.

So in the mind of my superior I am a pervert.

Just another day at the office.

Tomorrow's News Today!

Infense blog posting at 10.33 pm Sunday 10 August 2008

Caption Competition # 4
The Caption Competition goes Olympic! This photo of George W. Bush at the Chaoyang Park Beach Volleyball Grounds in Beijing needs a caption! Enter via comments tab.The winner can either come back next week as the
carry-over champ and play for the entire showcase or just take the free alcoholic beverage offer as per
usual.

News Ltd's adelaidenow website Monday 11 August 2008 posted at 11 am, 12 hours later:

SO, why is the President of the United States cavorting with bikini-clad
beach volleyballers? In George Bush's defence, there is an innocent
explanation for this bizarre photo, taken in Beijing on the weekend.
Seems US Olympic beach volleyballer Misty May-Treanor kept asking the president to
slap her tattooed back - a common gesture in the sport. After initially
demurring, he finally obliged. But what better excuse to run a caption competition? Submit your captions in the comment box at the bottom of the page ... but overly smutty suggestions won't get published

Hmmm.

If you want adelaidenow I guess you should read Infense12hours before now....

:)

Enter the original caption competition below!

Caption Competition # 4

The Caption Competition goes Olympic! This photo of George W. Bush at the Chaoyang Park Beach Volleyball Grounds in Beijing needs a caption! Enter via comments tab.
The winner can either come back next week as the carry-over champ and play for the entire showcase or just take the free alcoholic beverage offer as per usual. Did someone just say "let's go shopping? "

Wake Me Up Before I Go Go

An Indian pilgrim, who was listed as one of the almost 150 people killed in a stampede near the Naina Devi Shrine, has woken up in the morgue.

At least some good news has come from this terrible, unfortunate tragedy.

The newly-alive pilgrim woke unnoticed by morgue staff and asked for a glass of water surprising the medicos who were conducting autopsies nearby.

Cue sixties music:

"Stop! In the name of life! Before you remove-and-weigh my heart."

Clearly I am going to hell...

Nana's Sweater

To follow up on the post on sexual euphemisms my McSweeney friends alerted me to Ben Kharakh's list of Sexual Euphemisms That Won't Catch On which includes some euphemisms that I believe have the potential , despite Ben's assertions, to catch on! Such as...

- - - -
Going to the shop for milk
Trying on the sweater Nana sent you
Rewinding the tape before returning it
Double-bagging the trash
Compounding your percent interest annually
Lather, rinse, and repeating.

Here are some phrases I consider to be eligible for elevation to euphemistic status:

Posting the mail
Toasting the crumpet
Double-faulting
Swimming between the flags
Flicking the switch
Parallel parking
Up-sizing
Getting cake with your coffee

Suggestions for their potential double-meanings, and additions to the list, are welcome.
Anyway, I must go as I have to 'stack the dishwasher' if you know what I mean, wink wink.

Caption Competition # 3 Winner

Thanks to all who entered. Especially those who gave their name unconditionally...

It was difficult to select a winner. Special mentions must go to these captions;

"May the farce be with you" (*** aka Maja )

"Behind the mask, Fr Gary Smith was still cursing the incompetence of his drycleaner" (Ramreader)

"ATSIC reveal their new, user-friendly CENSUS results" (Josh vk)

but the winner of the kudos is Luke for his caption

"Episode VII: The Papal Menace"

Ugg-boot ram-raider

A 32 year old man from Birmingham, England has been jailed for ram-raiding his car into a supermarket wearing nothing but ugg-boots and a sheet. Ram-raiding in ugg-boots!! And naked to boot! Clearly the man is not sheepish, when it comes to naked burglary at least!

The judge sentenced him to four years behind baaas...

Euphemisms - "You say Potato...I say awesome Root (vegetable)"

In Patrick Marber's play and film Closer there is a clever bit of banter in which journalist Dan explains the euphemisms his newspaper uses in obituaries for public figures:

Dan: At six PM, we stand round the computer and read the next day’s page, make final changes, put in a few euphemisms to amuse ourselves…
Alice: Such as?
Dan: “He was a convivial fellow” - meaning he was an alcoholic. “He valued his privacy” - gay. “He enjoyed his privacy” - raging queen."

Hilarious. Then there are the euphemisms for body parts and functions and sexually activities that amuse the giggling adolescent in us all.

Got any good euphemisms to share? Use the comments box.

Caption Competition # 3

OK. So you know the drill by now... The winner of the BEST CAPTION gets a beverage of their selection gratis. Would be great if you could get your friends to enter too. This week's image of Darth Vader and some other costumed folk is inspired by World Youth Day. Have fun!
Enter via the comments link.

Caption Competition # 2 Winner

There may not be feasting but there shall be drinking in the village tonight for Lauren has won this week's Caption Competition. Her winning caption appears below. Once again thanks to everyone who contributed and provided much merriment. Look out for the next Caption Competition!

Still high from the thrill of the hunt, Headbanger, Toecutter and Slash return
victorious with their kill. There will be feasting in the village
tonight.

The Devil In-stride - When religious traditions are INXS

In a previous post I wrote about how a comment taken out of context could appear offensive, disturbing or obscure but when put into context the comment is reasonable and you can happily still be friends with the person who uttered it. To whit, a friend holidaying in Spain ended a conversation earlier this year with the statement, "I must go David - the Devil is about to start jumping over the babies and I want to watch."

Gosh I thought? Is it really baby-jumping time already?

But I digress. The event, which began in 1621, is known as El Salto del Colacho and takes place in Castillo de Murcia in Spain to celebrate the Catholic feast of Corpus Christi. Babies born during the previous year are dressed in their best clothes and laid on mattresses in the streets. Crowds of people watch as the Devil, El Colacho, dressed in a bright red and yellow costume jumps over a series of baby-topped-mattresses. Should the Devil avoid an unfortunate landing the children are magically protected from illness, but seemingly not protected from illogical religious practices...

Even with the benefit of context the event (and frankly my friend's enthusiasm) is still disconcerting. I am not sure if I follow the traditional logic that to protect your child you instruct someone to endanger their life. Hmmm. I wonder what other dangerous activities were considered and rejected in favour of the annual baby steeplechase. Perhaps this...

Throwing babies off a tower for luck in India - Do they have an adult version? Might be fun :)

Caption Competition #2

The Caption Competition returns due to popular demand.

This photo was taken during a charity toy run in Austria.

Add your Caption via the comments tab below. Prize is the usual drink of your choice and the respect of your peers. If you get one of your friends to enter and your Caption is selected as the best then I really think you deserve more than one drink.

Competition ends soon.

That's Mr Homosexual to you!

The American Family Association has reportedly replaced the word 'gay' with 'homosexual' in all its documentation including online material. Unfortunately their attempt to reclaim the word 'gay' through the magic of auto-replace led to these blunders in online articles about US athlete Tyson Gay...

"Tyson Homosexual was a blur in blue, sprinting 100 meters faster than anyone ever has." and "Homosexual eases into 100 final at Olympic trials".

which is mildly amusing but nowhere near as giggle-making as,

"It means a lot to me," 25-year-old Homosexual said. "I'm glad my body could do it, because now I know I have it in me."

Yes well it is important to know that you have it in you...

According to unconfirmed reports, in the light of this mishap, plans to auto-replace the word lesbian with muff-diver have been put on hold...

Hopefully the good folk at AFA do not write travel stories about Holland...

All of this nonsense reminds me of this wry Fry and Laurie sketch...

Caption Competition Results and Thanks

Firstly, thank you to all who entered the caption competition. The standard of humour on my blog has certainly been raised as a result of your contributions!

There can be only the one winner and the members of the judging panel, after long and serious contemplation, have decided that the winner of a shoe-box full of kudos and some alcohol is Rob for his Goldfinger inspired caption in honour of that most evil of cat lovers, Auric Goldfinger.

New competitions will be blogged soon.

Here is the picture coupled with the winning caption.

No Mr Bond! I expect you to PRAY!

Look who's hot under the dog-collar

Organisers for the Catholic World Youth Day distributed a calendar featuring sexy priests to media outlets, news.com.au reported today.

Has the Church embraced sex as a means of redressing a decline in church attendance numbers? Presumably the church considers it has recovered from the many years of less-than-positive media featuring the words 'priest' and 'sex' in the same headline.

The calendar is not produced by the Vatican but the priests in question have 'sat' for their portraits which suggests the highly organised and bureaucratic church has given tacit approval to the involvement by the 'sexy' priests. The distribution of the calendar by World Youth Day organisers is demonstrative of this approval.

Feel free to make your own amusing captions to this portrait of a priest and a pussy. Best caption wins a glass of your favourite alcoholic beverage (consecrated wine can be arranged) next time i see you out!

How Green becomes Black then Brown

Greening is a big issue in my office. It is listed on the agenda for each staff meeting. Hence our worm discussion blogged previously. As part of the greening of the office, among other initiatives, we turn the lights off in our offices when we go to a meeting or go to lunch. We also turn the lights off in the toilets when they are unoccupied. Every small bit helps!

I am usually the only male on my floor. However, a male employee from another department, has been temporarily seconded to our office. This employee is abreast of greening issues. I discovered this to my detriment just recently when, ensconced in my cubicle in the windowless toilet, the new employee zipped in, zipped down, zipped up and zipped out and turned the light off leaving me in complete darkness with my task incomplete.

One man's concern for greening quickly became another man's concern for browning...

and I don't mean Robert...

But Adelaide is so easy to get around!!!

I am currently dipping in and out of George Orwell's Homage to Catalonia. This is primarily due to the fact it is June and therefore, in the Southern Hemisphere, Winter and I am pining for glorious sunny Spain. Though, to be frank, anywhere warm and European shall suffice.

My reading is bringing back wonderful memories of Spain. However the Spain of Homage to Catalonia, is more fractious and violent than the Spain I remember. Perhaps that is because the book is about the Civil War and the associated death and violence. Hmmm.

Anyway, there is a placa in Barcelona named after George and I am reminded of how amused I was to see this banner informing of surveillance cameras operating in the area.

I took the photo in 2007 not 1984. Big Brother anyone??

Crouching Woman Hidden Lodger

A Man discovered a woman secretly living in a cupboard in his apartment.

Apparently, "A Japanese man who was mystified when food kept disappearing from his kitchen, set up a hidden camera and found an unknown woman living secretly in his closet. The 57-year-old unemployed man of Fukuoka in southern Japan called police on Wednesday when the camera sent pictures to his mobile phone of an intruder in his home while he was out. Officers rushed to the house and found a 58-year-old unemployed woman hiding in an unused closet, where she had secreted a mattress and plastic drink bottles, the Asahi said. Police suspect she may have been there for several months, the paper said. "I didn't have anywhere to live," the woman told police".

As an aside... Why does the article feel the need to give the occupation of the people involved? (more specifically, in this case, the lack of occupation) The fact the Hidden Lodger is unemployed is of some relevance I admit, but the occupation of the seemingly tech-savvy unwitting landlord-cum-detective seems irrelevant. That being said, MI5 or the Kempeitai should recruit him. Or maybe not. As Confucius didn't say, "Man who not know woman living in his cupboard not know much at all."

Confucius did however say, "Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." It is completely irrelevant to this post but I think it's important to remember.

Women dancing with BRUSHES - Are they doing the Nutb(r)ush?

No comment really - the title for the post says it all.

If you dare, there is more info here and on wiki.

Missionary Position, (or I don't Pope my cork for every man I meet...)

"World Youth Day tourism expected to boost sex trade" is the type of headline that will always get my attention. (For those of you who are unaware, World Youth Day is not simply a celebration for young people, but instead cleverly marketed Christian propaganda.) Unsurprisingly, the organisers of WYD responded to this claim with “I’d be surprised if the sex industry gets a boost from a religious event.” Considering the proportion of attendees who are children that is probably a good thing. However to suggest that because you are religious you do not engage in casual and/or mercantile sexual activities is plainly ridiculous and dangerous.

I am also choosing to ignore the veritable goldmine of obvious innuendo I could glean from the combination of youth/sex/priest in this post...

But I will end the post with this rather sweet invitation from a 'Functions Manager' at a Sydney strip-club;
"We're not making any special preparations for World Youth Day,"
she said.
"But we'll keep a table reserved for the Pope."

Nice.

The 'balls' are in your 'court'

Today I was thinking it would be quite amusing if the french term cul-de-sac really did translate into English as 'to castrate.'

Taken out of context...

At a recent dinner party an acquaintance said;

"BUT FORTUNATELY THERE ARE ONLY TWO OR THREE BLACK PEOPLE LIVING ON MY STREET"

Now out of context that statement is offensive, but when you place it in context it forms part of a rather funny and inoffensive story about his dog barking aggressively at dark-skinned people, possibly as a result of a previous, and abusive, owner who may have happened to have skin of a darkish hue... Or perhaps it is just a racist dog.1

For those of you who do not think that that statement needs to be placed into context to be amusing I imagine you are in a hurry to finish reading this blog because you're late for your Klan meeting.2 Late by about 130 years bozos.

If anyone knows about any anti-white racist dogs please tell me!

Oh and3


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1. And now here is something from our Bute correspondent and Metro
2. The Ku Klux Klan website is hosted in Belize , ironically a very multicultural country. However it's history of slavery and colonialism would no doubt appeal to the KKK.
3. To all my friends who have told me you cannot use footnotes when blogging I say bite me! - bite me like a racist dog...

I'm getting jiggy with Jesus in my body!

It seems that my years of so called 'pontificating,' 'preaching' and possessing a 'holier than thou' attitude have been noticed by a greater, *David glances up* higher force.

According to the Government register of employees (yes dear kittens and human folk who read this blog I do work for the Orwellian Big Brother) my official title is Reverend. Not 'Mr.' but 'Reverend.'

So that's Reverend David to ALL of you from now on. :)

If you feel the need to confess your sins - my door is open, my email box never full to your impassioned and soul-wrenching pleas. My children, my flock - your shepherd is here to guide you - for a small fee, of course.

Working 9 to 5 ..... What a Way To Make a Livin'

I really cannot fathom why most people have to work 5 days a week 48 weeks a year. How can each job fill the same amount of time? Why has this become the accepted norm? WHO came up with this ridiculous working plan anyway? ... *David googles* ... aha! -

According to wikipedia it was the Earl of Inbred, who thought of the idea whilst playing bridge at a house party in Kent in the nineteenth century. It seems he lost badly to a pair of untitled men and petulantly enquired as to why these men were free to be playing bridge on a Friday in any case. He declared, ominously, that,” something ought to be done about it!" One of the chaps who the Earl was losing to, a self-loathing grammar school scholarship-winning coal-miner's son named Mr (later Sir) Reginald Sadist, who was, at that time, employed as a page1 at Whitehall, thought the idea to be an excellent one. He subsequently suggested it to Lord Mundane2, Minister for Employment and Doing Something About It who brought it up in the next Cabinet meeting and it passed both houses in the next sitting of Parliament. Well there you go then.


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1.More specifically Page 12 of the Financial Times in the Members’ Lounge at Parliament House .

2.Those in the legal profession may be interested to know that Lord Mundane was related by marriage to Baron Billable-Hours, the pioneering lawyer and Managing Partner of the world’s first multi-national legal firm, Boredom, Misery, Boredom, and Sellout. (Now known as Boredom, Misery and Boredom, or more simply BMB after Charlie Sellout did just that and spent the last thirty years of his life wearing only sandals and linen shorts while imbibing gin and tonics aboard his yacht in the Caribbean. Coincidentally, Baron Billable-Hours also spent the last moments of his life in less formal attire having been stripped to his briefs before being beaten to death with a 'rather pressing brief that just had to be sent out by 7 pm at the latest’. His murder was never solved and the press made much of the fact he was murdered outside a Young Lawyers Convention in the popular seaside resort of Revenge by-the-Sea.

ROOTnest Island...

Brace yourself readers - this one comes right out of left, or at least West, field. West Australian Opposition Leader Troy Buswell says there is "absolutely no substance" to reports he once did something inappropriate to a quokka.

In his defence, the politician who has previously been outed as a chair-sniffer and bra-strap flicker, said,

"I'm not aware that I've caused any offence to a quokka."

Priceless.

Is anyone else disturbed by the specificity of the denial? It seems to leave open the possibility that other species may have been assaulted in the past...

I think touching the quokka should now become a euphemism for doing something a little wrong and dirty.

And I will raise him up....

The Reverend Adelir Antonio de Carli remains missing presumed dead, nine days after lifting off from the port city of Paranaguá in Brazil, strapped to hundreds of helium-filled balloons. He is the small dark dot at the bottom of the colourful balloons in the above picture. He was wearing a helmet, an aluminum thermal flight suit, waterproof coveralls and a parachute and was seeking to raise money for breaking the 19-hour record for the longest time in-flight with party balloons. I find it difficult to feel much sympathy for someone who self-indulgently and wrecklessly endangers their life to break a record that is so narrow, insignificant and pointless. I think the next time the parish needs to raise money they might have a cake stall...

Torch-capades

OK. So there are Pro-Tibet and Human Rights protesters protesting during the Torch Relay for the 2008 Beijing Olympics. No surprise there. But what is worthy of noting is the choice of transportation for some of the crew escorting the torch through Paris - Rollerblades!!! I am sure they are functional but they look a little too 'fun'-ctional. It all seems very Cirque de Sin-eil...

Art becomes Salmon-ella

A very creative individual has produced a series of photographs of landscapes using food. The only thing missing is the owl and the pussycat for that pea-green-pod boat! The second scene is bucolic - or should that broccolic....