Revised Christmas Carol for Office Workers

Away in a Manger redux

Away in the office
Wishing he was still in bed
The Little Lord David
Laid down his bored head

The manager in her office
Looked down where he lay
The little Lord David
Asleep on his In-Tray

The telephone is ringing
Poor employee awakes
And little Lord David
Sad faces he makes.

If you're happy and you know it please don't show it...

This inter-office email forced a wry smile from my lips.

Hi Level Two Workers

There is a card for M--- B--- on my desk to congratulate her on her upcoming
wedding. I will be sending this card to Level 1 at 4:30 today so if you want to
sign it please come and see me before then.

Please respect that M-- does not want a big fuss made.

Regards,

A---

Office life is such an etiquette minefield. Must we be told how sincere or expressive our congratulations are?

How about I congratulate her but not really mean it? Will that suffice?

Oh God! Yes!! Oh God! Oh God!! Yes! Yes! Yes!

It seems that Christians are using the advertising power of sex to sell religion. This advertisement from New Zealand has caused controversy.

The advertisement is part of a promotion by the progressive Christian church, St Matthew's to engage non-believers.

Silvio TKO

Am I alone in thinking that Italain Prime Minsiter Silvio Berlusconi looked a bit like Hitler in this photo taken after he was assualted in Milan this month?

Kirby Your Enthusiam

66 year-old maverick (that is, borderline psychotic and arrogantly irresponsible) New South Wales Liberal Senator Bill Heffernan will almost certainly be re-elected at the 2010 Federal election after being placed 2nd on the Liberal Senate Ticket. Presumably he will spend this next term in office deliberately and gleefully slandering social liberals like he pilloried Justice Kirby.

Heffernan was quoted after the result saying,

"I can't think of anyone else in the federal parliament who can knock the nuts out of a bull or skin a sheep"

Yes Bill - but do you knock the nuts out with your teeth huh Bill? Huh? Or do you use a knife you city-slicking pansy.

Populate or perish

I just endured a dull human resources related meeting in a drab windowless boardroom. Essentially this meeting was an exercise in humouring the Human Resources Division while attempting to justify their existence. During the meeting the convenor asked me to ‘populate’ a document. I think her intention was for me to fill the document in but with ludicrous office speech who really knows. Considering I was being asked to populate I was tempted to use Peter Costello as my inspiration and fill in one form for Mum, one form for Dad and one form for my country...

Just can't bear it...

A circus bear in a Russian circus kills his trainer and the journalist writes "It is not clear what caused the attack"

Um...huge wild animal forced by trainer to wear skates and play ice hockey....yep - that seems like motivation to me...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/8320849.stm

If these woolens could talk...

Was given a scarf for my birthday. The care instructions tag sewn on to the scarf included this:

"Knitted garments prefer folded storage"

They 'prefer'? Did someone ask them about this??

I am aware that to maintain shape it is preferable to fold knitted garments rather than hang them on coat hangers but I feel we are being paternalistic here in telling these woolen garments how to live their lives.

If they just want to hang in the back of the wardrobe and lose their shape who am I to say no?

Digging deep

Australian soldiers currently fighting in Afghanistan are called 'Diggers' when referred to by the media or politicians. When 110 year old World War One 'Veteran' John Campbell Ross passed away recently the tributes that came named him as Australia's Last Remaining Digger. If that is the case does that mean that other veterans will not be able to use that term. It should do but it will not. The term digger is used by the media and politicians to generate specific emotions and ideals and it is a pity that it gets overused and abused.

Interestingly John Campbell Ross was barely a 'digger' anyway; he never left Australia in a military capacity and spent most of his time serving in Broadmeadows, Victoria. Am quite sure there was little digging to be done there...

Puff of Smoke

Big business, through mergers and international expansion, produces unusual company nomenclature. The largest tobacco company in Australia is named British Amercian Tobacco Australia. Gee couldn't they squeeze another country's name in?

Hard Labour

A prison inmate in the United States has endured a 55 hour erection and is suing the nurse who allegedly administered anti-psychotic drugs that allegedly induced the long-lasting erection. Amusingly the accused Nurse, Judith Lovelace shares a surname with Deep Throat porn star Linda Lovelace.






http://www.nypost.com/seven/06072009/news/regionalnews/55_hr__erection_agony_173057.htm

Mile high ego club

Qantas has announced plans to charge AUD160 extra for those who choose to sit in the seats next to the emergency exits, which are prized for their extra leg-room. This plan has been decried in the press by... a 31 year old lawyer and self-promoting wannabe politician from Brisbane who travelled to Russia in 2002 for radically leg-lengthening surgery to gain an extra 8 cms (per leg). Hajnal Ban, who has written a book about her surgery, has recently gone to great lengths (insert chuckle here) to promote herself. Her press release, in defense of tall people everywhere, is a prime example of this. She is not tall. She underwent surgery because she was, in her mind, too short.

In short, she is a complete joke.

On her website (http://www.hajnalban.com/), which promotes her book and the cult of Hajnal she is described as being a high profile Australian politician when she is in fact a mere Councillor for Logan City in Queensland who is barely known outside her own neighbourhood. More amusingly her web page tells us that "Hajnal is as equally known for her unique style and elegance. She has been described by many as a leader in fashion and design. " Eat your heart out Jackie Kennedy-Onassis, step aside Princess Di - let's all admire Hajnal nobody.

The website continues "Even Hajnal's name generates conversation." Somnething along the lines of "Who?" I should think.

I think somebody needs a reality check.

When cricketers do not protect their middle stump...

From the ABC website...

Pakistan fast bowler Shoaib Akhtar has been ruled out of the Twenty20 World Cup after being diagnosed with genital warts, the Pakistan Cricket Board says.

A statement on the board's website said: "The Medical Board has reported that Shoaib Akhtar was suffering from Genital Viral Warts and Electrofulgration was done on May 12, 2009.

"They further stated that his wound though healing needs further care and treatment for another minimum 10 days for the purpose of healing and to achieve skin cover."

Too much info Pakistan Cricket Board!

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2009/05/21/2577649.htm

Totally Forked

Retired Rugby league player Matthew Johns has been the focus of the media this week due to the revelation that he, and fellow teammates, had group sex with a woman in 2002. Ignoring the morals debate and the very loose interpretation of the phrase 'group sex' I found a comment by Sports psychologist Noel Blundell in The Australian unintentionally amusing. Blundell, talking about the method of educating the players, says

"There's no single-pronged attack - there has to be a multi-pronged attack"

And here I was thinking multi-pronging was what got the Rugby players into trouble in the first place...

Tabloid Headlines of the Week.

On the Herald Sun website "They're Flogging a Gift Horse" was the header for an 'article' about the free gifts 'celebrities' receive when they attend the Logies. Considering the bad press the prize-giving ceremony received I should have thought that the headline could have referred to the process of doling out the Logies themselves...

The sexual congress of an amorous couple on the lawns of Windsor Castle, while the Queen was in residence, was sex-romp, multi-inch fodder for the tabloid dailies in the UK this week. Hats, or indeed, clothes off to the sub-editor at The Sun for the following headline for the story that revealed the identities of the lawn lovers

"This one and this one are the ones who gave each other one on one's lawn"

Snigger.

Just like any other tissue, only more so...

I noticed these tissues were advertised as being 'Casablanca Style.' My head hurt contemplating why the advertisers used such a name.



Perhaps the tissues' absorbency is perfect for emotional and inclement airport goodbyes?

Classical Gas or Orchestral Fluff?

Why is that Classical music pieces so often have such benign, dull, G rated titles? It is always Symphony No. this or Symphony No. that. Minuet in G? Sonata, Rhapsodies, Preludes ... Boring!

For once I would like to hear a classical piece with a name like, 'Drug-Fucked in E Minor,'
or 'Sex Bomb Cantata.'

I would even be happy with a lame 'Dad' style jokey name like:

'Full of At-Etude'

'Smack my Brass Up'

'If Ukelele Seek Amy'

'Music School Dropout' (perhaps Grease the musical becomes Grease the Opera...)

Coles for sore arseholes

Do you love Coles? Apparently You'll Love Coles. I know I love Coles' scented clumping cat litter. Without it, gee...well I think my life would be empty... well, at least, far less clumped. Sure I don't even own a cat but the product is so damn good and the marketing so believable I just had to buy some. And don't you just love the random suburbanites pictured on the packaging identified by a generic first name and an inane comment related to the product they are promoting. I am not sure what the selling blurb is for the woman holding the cat above but I think it might be, "Helen spends Saturday nights at home stroking her pussy."

I am looking forward to Coles introducing more personal hygiene products into the You'll Love Coles range. eg condoms. I should imagine the blurb will be "Tom likes his condoms ribbed for extra pleasure." or perhaps "Tom hopes she doesn't have a headache tonight."

Gopher-uck Yourself

Twenty minutes ago I was happily walking home enlivened by the afternoon sun. Now I am at home applying antiseptic and dressing wounds. Considering that I do not live in downtown Basra, or Kabul and the fact that I hardly ever travel in a convoy with Hamas operatives I believe this to be a suitably blogable event.

I was strolling along an abnormally wide and unpopulated city footpath through one of our lush green squares when I was suddenly rear ended by a middle aged man-thing tearing up the footpath (and my legs) in an electronic wheel chair that looked somewhat like this… Now, if you or I ran into someone we would probably considering applying the brakes in an attempt to limit the damage that we have, in this scenario, just inflicted upon my ankle. But not so for this stellar citizen – he just kept on going, in fact I think he must have accelerated because he then managed to collide with my other leg. So for a brief period I was riding the handlebars of this contraption all the while yelling at the top of my lungs the obvious question of, “What the fuck is your problem?”.

His response, clearly and lucidly presented to me, was “ I wish I knew mate.” You and me both Cocko. Like most young men I was raised to believe you should never hit a woman and I must admit at this moment my mind was racing through the back-catalogue of my memory to check if there were similar rules/morals etc regarding the thumping of those in wheelchairs or the like. I refrained.

Did he apologise? No. Was he retarded? Well not in the medical sense of the word. Was he drunk? Not sure – but would it matter? Do the Police breath-test anyone riding those killer-peds? Maybe he was acting out in jealousy in response to my obvious able-bodied status…

Once I gathered myself up and began walking down the still wide and still very, very vacant footpath I noticed he was following me slowly (somewhat like the truck in the film Duel). I stopped, looked at him said, “You know what mate, I reckon I should follow you.” In my head I added “You Fuck-tard.”


On a side note…How is that I, an able-bodied and relatively sane person am not legally permitted to ride a bike on a footpath yet any retard with the spatial awareness and agility of a blind, quadriplegic three-toed sloth can operate a motorized wheelchair on footpaths and in shops etc.

Now that is retarded.

Without a Clue Klux Klan

A continent of black people really does not need a crazy white man in a white hooded-robe encouraging them to endanger their lives. However that has not stopped Pope Benedict XVI, currently touring Africa, from preaching that AIDS "is a tragedy that cannot be overcome by money alone, that cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which even aggravates the problems".

What is Benny One-Six thinking?

Care for a dip?

This sign, featured prominently above a spa, made me shudder as I read it...because there must have been an unfortunate incident which prompted its posting...

Sink or swim?

Miss Attach

I wish Microsoft Outlook could prevent me from sending an email when I have stated that I am attaching a file and, as usual, I have forgotten to attach a file. Perhaps any email that includes any of the words "attach" "attached" "attaching" or "attachment" could require a file to be attached before it could be sent, unless the user selects 'ignore.'

I think it would make the world a better place.

OK. Now I have solved that issue I think I am primed to tackle the Middle East Crisis and then World Peace. I think I have more chance than this poor chickadee...

Oh what a feelin' ...

Alec: So you know how I went home with Dragonfly the other night…
Eton: You went upstairs for coffee huh?
Alec: Yeah something like that. Well anyway when I got back to my car I had a flat tyre.
Eton: aww bummer
Alec: Bummer indeed. Cost me $150 and I had to change a tyre!
Eton: So have you seen this Bumblee..
Alec: It’s Dragonfly, The nickname is Dragonfly.
Eton: OK so have you seen Dragonthingy again?
Alec: Well, this is the thing - I met up with Dragonfly again and after I dropped him off I got a speeding fine within 2 blocks of his place.
Eton: Nasty - how much was it?
Alec: 200 bucks
Eton: So what you are telling me is that you are down over 350 dollars for two sessions with this guy.
Alec: Yep
Eton: Was it worth it?
Alec: Well now I am not so sure…
Eton: You going to see him again?
Alec: I am not sure I can afford to…

************************

Alec: So anyway I think this must be some higher being's way of telling me to stop sleeping with Dragonfly
Eton: God? You think God cares about who you are tapping?
Alec: Well I dunno…
Eton: (thinking) Maybe it has nothing to do with Dragonfly… maybe God just wants you to stop driving your car so much…
Alec: Maybe… I once got a parking fine when I stayed the night at some random’s place…
Eton: See. There you go.
Alec: And once I had my aerial broken…
Eton: (smiling) God wants you to cut your emissions…
Alec: Funny.
Eton: Carbon neutral carnality perhaps…Environmentally Friendly Fornication…
Alec: OK enough already!
Eton: So what you going to do?
Alec: I don’t know… ride a bike…
Eton: It will probably get stolen, or you’ll get a flat…ha ha
Alec: So what can I do?
Eton: Walk. I think that’s your only way to beat this thing…
Alec: So no more Dragonfly?
Eton: I think it’s jinxed…
Alec: Hmmm. Well I sure hope there are some good looking guys within walking distance….
Eton: That’s the spirit.

That's so Emo...

I do not like it when people use the phrase “That’s so gay” when referring to something that they don't like. I usually respond to the person by agreeing with them but including their own particular minority or identifying feature.

For example, “yeah I agree - That’s so Indian” or “Yeah it’s completely Greek, isn’t it?”

or perhaps, “OMG It’s totally vegetarian.”


If someone wants to say that something is lame then maybe they should subsitute gay for something that actually is lame.

eg, “That’s so suburbia”
or "That's so abstinent"
or maybe, "That's so Local Government"
or "That's so LAN party."

However, below is a photodepicting an example of where I think it is not only appropriate but necessary to say, "That's so Gay"




I am not convinced that this article, written in 2000, accurately portrays the usage of the term, especially amongst non-homosexuals
http://archive.salon.com/people/feature/2000/09/14/gaygaygay/index.html

Silent Sitters

I am in the bathroom at work. There are two cubicles. One cubicle has the door closed, with the engaged sign in operation and the tips of a pair of black shoes visible under the door. The other cubicle’s door is open and the cubicle is unoccupied. I enter this cubicle, close the door and turn the lock. After a period of five, ten or twenty seconds the absence of noise from the cubicle next door deafens me. The usual symphony of shuffled feet, the unfurling and tearing of toilet paper and the frighteningly vivid sounds of liquid displacement are not emanating from the cubicle. It seems my neighbour is clearly a Silent Sitter or perhaps, more accurately, a Silent S*itter), waiting in the cubicle for me to finish my task so that they may continue their ablutions in seclusion and anonymity once I leave. Instead of continuing their chore they prefer to sit silent and still, with what can only be described as a front row seat for my upcoming performance. This riles me! In the same way that they may not want an audience (albeit an audience of one thoroughly self-focused, goal-oriented porcelain performer who could not care less about their business) I am not keen on the idea of a ghostly Silent Sitter perched on the edge of their Caroma attentively riding every shuffle, unzipping, evacuation, tearing, scrunching (or folding…) water-falling, zipping moment of activity as they wait, in earnest, for me to leave.

I am tempted to knock on the adjoining wall and say “You are not fooling anyone. I know you are in there!!

I am not sure what game these people are playing at. It is not a case of If a man sits in a toilet and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound?

Silent Sitters of the world! Let me tell you this - Your silence heralds your existence louder than ever!



"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

Am I Decisive or Indecisive?

I just spent five minutes considering whether I should buy this book entitled '100 ways to be effective and decisive'...

Price of book: $25.00

Amount of Irony: Priceless

Maggie Taberer Naked

At work I made a reference to this woman...

Maggie Tabberer, the famous Australian fashion model/magazine editor of a certain age with a full figure and a penchant for hats and slick back hair.

In response to my reference to Maggie a young heterosexual female colleague, nicknamed KittySlap, responded far too eagerly with,

"I would love to see Maggie Tabberer naked!"

I am fairly confident that KittySlap was suggesting that Maggie's true figure is camouflaged well through her sleek stylish clothing...

The desire to see Maggie T naked is something that could only be heard expressed in a retirement village, if at all...

Below I have posted a picture of Maggie the way she might like to be remembered.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maggie_Tabberer

Perhaps you should reconsider that Pigeon Assassination

Quirky law for the day.

The law governing Interference with homing pigeons states that...

(1) A person who—
(a) without lawful authority, kills, injures or takes any homing pigeon; or
(b) enters upon any land for the purpose of killing, injuring or taking any homing pigeon without lawful authority, is guilty of an offence.

Maximum penalty: $250.

However, those with bloodlust need not put their slingshot down just yet...there is a defence...

Subsection (3) It is a defence to a charge of killing, injuring or taking a homing pigeon contrary to subsection (1) to prove that the defendant was the owner or occupier of improved or cultivated land, or a person acting under the instructions of any such owner or occupier, and killed, injured or took the pigeon while it was actually upon that land or any building on that land.

This pitiable pigeon was going for a relaxing Sunday afternoon flight in the country when he stopped for a rest and took some happy snaps to send to his Grandmother and was lawfully killed (pursuant to the available defence under subsection 3).

The law needs to be changed now! Write to your local MP! Use a carrier pigeon to send the letter perhaps...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homing_pigeon

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carrier_pigeon

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sling_shot

Show us your slits...

Some of my female friends have prominent toe cleavage.

Toe cleavage, for the blessedly unaware, is the partial exposure of a woman's toes in shoes. Low cut shoes reveal toe cleavage similar in the same way low cut tops reveal breast cleavage.

Despite the fact your piggies are on show toe cleavage can, apparently, be stylish and indeed sexy. To quote Carrie Bradshaw's idol, show designer Manolo Blahnik, "the secret of toe cleavage, a very important part of the sexuality of the shoe" is that "you must only show the first two cracks."

Hilarious.

Dumb and Number

IS there a rational reason for why the numbers on the number pads on keyboards and calculators are configured the opposite way to telephones?

Please explain.