Gopher-uck Yourself

Twenty minutes ago I was happily walking home enlivened by the afternoon sun. Now I am at home applying antiseptic and dressing wounds. Considering that I do not live in downtown Basra, or Kabul and the fact that I hardly ever travel in a convoy with Hamas operatives I believe this to be a suitably blogable event.

I was strolling along an abnormally wide and unpopulated city footpath through one of our lush green squares when I was suddenly rear ended by a middle aged man-thing tearing up the footpath (and my legs) in an electronic wheel chair that looked somewhat like this… Now, if you or I ran into someone we would probably considering applying the brakes in an attempt to limit the damage that we have, in this scenario, just inflicted upon my ankle. But not so for this stellar citizen – he just kept on going, in fact I think he must have accelerated because he then managed to collide with my other leg. So for a brief period I was riding the handlebars of this contraption all the while yelling at the top of my lungs the obvious question of, “What the fuck is your problem?”.

His response, clearly and lucidly presented to me, was “ I wish I knew mate.” You and me both Cocko. Like most young men I was raised to believe you should never hit a woman and I must admit at this moment my mind was racing through the back-catalogue of my memory to check if there were similar rules/morals etc regarding the thumping of those in wheelchairs or the like. I refrained.

Did he apologise? No. Was he retarded? Well not in the medical sense of the word. Was he drunk? Not sure – but would it matter? Do the Police breath-test anyone riding those killer-peds? Maybe he was acting out in jealousy in response to my obvious able-bodied status…

Once I gathered myself up and began walking down the still wide and still very, very vacant footpath I noticed he was following me slowly (somewhat like the truck in the film Duel). I stopped, looked at him said, “You know what mate, I reckon I should follow you.” In my head I added “You Fuck-tard.”


On a side note…How is that I, an able-bodied and relatively sane person am not legally permitted to ride a bike on a footpath yet any retard with the spatial awareness and agility of a blind, quadriplegic three-toed sloth can operate a motorized wheelchair on footpaths and in shops etc.

Now that is retarded.