Weird Books make excellent Kris Kringle presents!

Struggling for Christmas presents at the last minute? Might I suggest one of the following fascinating and weirdly-titled books?

Why Do I Vomit?

What Not to Wear on a Horse

What Moles Tell You About Yourself

teach your WIFE to be a WIDOW:

A wise and comprehensive guide book for all wives prudent enough to prepare for that time when they may become head of the family.

How to Start your own Country

SOAP through the ages

The Popular Book of British Seaweeds

(which makes me wonder how dull the 'unpopular' Book of British Seaweeds must have been...)

The Great Pantyhose Crafts Book

Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Mind Power:

How to Use the Other 90 % of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts

Make Your Own Sex Toys:

30 Quick and Easy Projects with Step-by-Step Pictures. A Personal Guide to a Better Sex Life.

(WTF? Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! )

Jewish Chess Masters on STAMPS

This must have been the sequel to 'Finnish Poker Champs on COINS'

The Humanure Handbook:

A guide to composting human manure.

Forensic Examination of Rubber Stamps

Erotic Dots:

Join the Dots to Create 69 Sexy and Exciting Pictures

(Hilarious! I want to see a porno Paint by Numbers next!)

Who Cares About Old People

The Recently Deflowered Girl:

The Right Thing to Say on Every Dubious Occasion

Remember Your Rubbers!:

Collectible Condom Containers - with values.

(This book comes in it's own slipcase...)

Castration: The Advantages and Disadvantages

(This version is complete and unabridged... :P)

Cadaver Dog Book:

Forensic Training and Tactics for the Recovery of Human Remains

(Apparently the working title for the book was FETCH!)

The Beverly Hillbillies Bible Study

(I'm offering a prize to anyone who can tell me what this book could possibly be about)

Anticraft:

Knitting Beading and Stitching for the Slightly Sinister

All About Scabs

and finally..................

50 Ways to Use Feminine Hygiene Products in a MANLY MANNER (for the Self-Assured Male)

Empowering Decorative Mannequins

So I was trawling through the internet for a new job when I came across this advertisement which made me laugh and then disturbed me a little…
(I have emboldened the funny bits…)

Elaine Adams is an Adelaide based company that specialists in residential and commercial cleaning services. We recently rebranded to have the Company Director's name at the forefront of the business; with the main reason being that she became so proud of the company that she wanted to put her name on it. After breaking away from also specialising in decorative mannequins we began focusing on our cleaning services to the Adelaide community.

It is our strong belief that we should help the world through the empowerment of volunteers. As a result, we have recently commenced the Elaine Adams Volunteer Program (EAVP) which aims to empower volunteers to gain more experience and skills in the business world. Through a mutual agreement we hope that by providing us with your skills we can forward them and/or give you more to take away with you when you leave the team.

As a result of our rebranding and company restructing we are seeking a
Marketing Officer. This new and exciting position is not only flexible, but informative and full of learning objectives.

It was advertised on gumtree. It must surely be dodgy. But it sure is amusing.

I am tired of getting 'Knocked Up'

It is Monday. I wish I was not at work. I wish I was at home, sleeping. I have not felt this tired since, well, at least last Monday…

I am knackered, dog-tired, bone-tired, I’m beat, burned out, dead on my feet, drained, drooping, droopy, drowsy, flagging, haggard, pooped, spent, plum tuckered out. I’m worn out. It is surprising that people who are apparently so tired have the energy to create so many euphemisms and synonyms to indicate just how tired they are.

But let me tell you about my favourite ‘feeling tired’ euphemism which amused me as a teenager. My step-grandfather, whenever my Grandmother was worn out, would say that she was ‘knocked up’. Considering that getting ‘knocked up’ is a euphemism for falling pregnant my sisters and I found quiet comical. If my grandmother was enduring a particularly taxing outing my step-grandfather would say that he better get her home before “she gets knocked-up” which would provoke my sisters and me to arch eyebrows, smirk and sometimes squeal with laughter.


Another source of amusement in those days came from the fact that my grandmother slept with my Uncle. Don’t be too aghast! Let me explain… When my grandmother began ‘stepping out’ with the man who was to become my step-grandfather I was encouraged to call him ‘Uncle’, seemingly because it was not ‘proper’ for a child to address an adult by their first name. However, by the time that they married the name had stuck which led to some strange and worried looks on the faces of my friends’ mothers when I would blithely announce that my grandmother and my uncle were married to each other and slept in the same bed… .

Bagging the PM

Australia's first female Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, won, if that is the word for such a knife-edge result, the first election ever contested by a female leader of a major political party. This was another milestone moment to please the hearts of the socially progressive (statistics show that female Premiers elected by the party room between elections have not been so lucky come polling day.)

Despite winning the election the Prime Minister has clearly still not won the right to rid herself of The Australian newspaper’s regressive, taunting scrutiny. Glenda Korporaal’s post election-result article ‘Julia enjoys the high life free of old bags’ is dedicated to the fact that the Prime Minister is rarely seen with a handbag. The writer, and the newspaper she works for, clearly considers this to be an issue worthy of mention and discussion.

The articles states that most woman carry handbags and infers that the PM considers herself to be apart, perhaps better, than the average Australian woman because she does not tote a bag. “There is an air of royalty about her that assumes someone else is following along answering the phone, parking the car, taking notes and paying for whatever needs to be paid for.” I do not recall seeing any of this country’s male Prime Minister’s carrying a briefcase, satchel or manbag. I do not recall bewildered articles in newspapers commenting on this fact and the existence of assistants employed to ‘assist’ them when they had held the office of most important public servant in the country.

The ‘journalist’ also uses the piece to snidely reference Julia Gillard’s childless state “it is certain our first female Prime Minister has never had to go through the tote-bag-as-mobile-nursery routine that is the lot of mothers of young children.”

What has raising a child got to do with carrying a handbag, and what does carrying a handbag, or not, got to do with running a country?

And more importantly what does writing articles like this have to do with journalism?

Frogging the memory

From my office window I watch people trying to cross the four lanes of traffic travelling in both directions on the road below. It is a bit like watching someone else play a game of Frogger.

Not being at the controls of the arcade game is nerve-wracking because some people seem to dawdle across the road oblivious to the on-coming traffic. Other people, usually teenagers, duck and weave through the traffic like Frogger maestros. I just hope that I am not looking out the window one day when it is GAME OVER for one of the players on the street below.


Thinking about playing Frogger as a child reminds me that much of my childhood was associated with frogs. My favourite chocolate was a frog-shaped chocolate, the Cadbury Freddo Frog,

my favourite computer game was Frogger, my favourite character on the Muppets was Kermit the Frog

and my favourite book was Kenneth Grahame's The Wind in the Willows where the main character was Toad

(yes, I know, not truly a frog but close enough surely especially considering he was so often represented as being more froggy than toady).

I am at a loss to explain why 1980’s children grew up in a world disproportionately filled with green tailless amphibians. But why explain it when you can simply embrace it?

I still love eating Freddo frogs. I considered it, and still do consider it, the greatest indulgence to eat a Freddo. When I was young the Freddo was a parentally approved special treat; apparently its small size would not ruin my appetite or my physique. Every year I purchased the Freddo show bag at the Royal Show and I would cherish the Freddo toy that came with it. Sure it was all crap – but it was Freddo crap and that made it special.

Whenever we dined at the Red Apple Restaurant (sigh! How I miss thee!) I would order Frog in the Pond for dessert, that is, a Freddo frog standing proudly in a pond of green jelly. Heaven in a bowl for a five year old. As a child I ordered a Semifreddo dessert at another restaurant and spent the rest of the meal trying to not let my parents see the disappointed look on my face as I searched in vain amongst the custardy cream mixture to locate the half of a chocolate frog I had ordered – and been promised!

Obvious news

So glad they added that it was 'against the law' otherwise I would have thought it was a story about legal-illegal camping.

Courtesy of Media Watch

Those Nazi muscle groups

Old conversation with a friend about the pain his body is experiencing due to his exercise regimen.

Josh: I've been working out 6 days a week, doing opposite work loads on alternate days

David: Ok.

Josh: I didn't have a problem last week. So I am unsure why it is hurting now

David: maybe your muscle groups have formed an Axis-style coalition against you

Josh: hahaha

David: ve protest in zee strongest possible manner against ure phzeeical regeeme

Josh: lol

David: ve vill not stand for zhis - hell ve can barely even seeet

Them ones' spellen misteaks

Two people sent emails to me with grammatical errors today.

Firstly I was informed that…

A list of the boards are provided below.

List is singular! It should be ‘is provided below’ And let's not forget that apostrophe for the boards i.e. boards'.

And then a senior legal officer sent me this asking…

What is there status? Their status!! That phrase would only work if I was a Roman named Status during the time of the Caesars and my questioner was asking, “Why go to Adelaide for a holiday? What is there, Status?

Not to mention the fact that the stationery cupboard’s name is Stationary Cupboard.

Breathe deeply David. Breathe deeply.

Up Urs! (ula)

This work email amused me…. I think there is a word missing.

_____________________________________________
As we get acclimatised to working within our new divisions, just a small point that Ursula has asked me to pass on re communication processes.

· if you get a direct request from an ED or the CE, please put the draft written response back through me. This will need to go up Ursula.

_____________________________________________

Ouch! Poor Ursula!

Now that's a Paper Cut!

Song of the Week - Election Special

It's Song of the Week time.

The federal election campaign continues and on August 21 we will have to choose between political candidates who are all singing the same tune:

“Would I Lie to You?”

But in the spirit of the election I am giving you the choice of either the Eurythmics or the Charles and Eddie versions of songs titled “Would I Lie to You?”

or

Exercise your democratic right and tell me which song you prefer!


(includes obligatory high-drama 80’s music-video intro)

Eurythmics

Lyrics

CHORUS:
Would I lie to you?
Would I lie to you honey?

Now would I say something that wasn't true?
I'm asking you sugar
Would I lie to you?

My friends - know what's in store.
I won't be here anymore.
I've packed my bagsI've cleaned the floor.
Watch me walkin'.
Walkin' out the door.

(Believe me - I'll make it make it)

CHORUS

Tell you straight - no intervention.
To your face - no deception.
You're the biggest fake.
That much is true.
Had all I can take.
Now I'm leaving you

(Believe me - I'll make it make it)

CHORUS repeats

My friends - know what's in store.
I won't be here anymore.
I've packed my bags
I've cleaned the floor.
Watch me walkin'.
Walkin' out the door.

CHORUS






Charles and Eddie

Lyrics

Oh baby oh would I lie to you?
Look into my eyes
Can't you see they're open wide
Would I lie to you?

CHORUS
Look into my eyes
Can't you see they're open wide
Would I lie to you baby?
Would I lie to you??...oh yeah
Don't you know it's true
Girl there's no-one else but you
Would I lie to you baby?
Would I lie to you?

Everybody wants to know the truth
In my arms is the only proof
I've hidden my heart behind the bedroom door
Now it's open I can't do no more
I'm telling you baby...
You will never find another girl in this heart of mine

CHORUS

Everybody's got their history
on every page - a mystery
You can read my diary you're in every line
jealous mind never satisfied
I'm telling you baby...
You will never find another girl in this heart of mine

CHORUS

When you wanna see me night and day (would I lie?)
If I tell you that I'm here to stay (would I lie to you?)
Do you think I give my love away? (would I lie?)
That's not the kind of game I play
I'm telling you baby...
You will never find another girl in this heart of mine

CHORUS

Trust me baby
Hey aint no-one else but you child
Come on, Come on, Come on...
Trust me babyI wouldn't lie to you baby

---------------
Random facts:

Eurythmics’ song was released 25 years ago (1985) and only made it as high #17 in the UK, #5 in the US but it was #1 in Australia.

The Charles and Eddie song was released in 1992 and reached #13 in the US but #1 in the UK and Australia. It was knocked from the #1 spot by Whitney Huston’s I Will Always Love You

Charles and Eddie were American. Charles died of cancer in 2001 aged 37. Eddie wrote songs for 90’s British girl group Eternal

All the Swinging Voters - Election Beyonce parody

All the swinging voters, all the swinging voters
All the swinging voters, all the swinging voters
All the swinging voters, all the swinging voters
All the swinging voters

Now put your hands up
Up in the booth, I just voted
I’m doing my own little thing
Decided my vote and I’m gonna stick
Cause no other party seduced me

I’m up on Tony, But not on Bob
Why don’t we pay him any attention?
I’ve made my decision, for three more years
Ya can’t be mad at me

Cause if you liked it then you should vote 1 on it
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Don’t be mad once you see the new PM
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Oh, oh, oh

If you liked it then you should have voted 1 on it
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Don’t be mad once you see the new Cabinet
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it

PM’s got gloss on her lips, de-facto on her hips
He styles her hair, gives it that salon sheen
But leaks are up, Libs are Standing Up
This election is a close run thing.

PM ‘s on a mission, It’s Game On
The real Julia will get your attention
Cause the polls liked her at first, despite that nasal twang
but will that be enough to stop that swing?

Cause if you liked it then you should have voted 1 on it
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Don’t be mad once you see the new Cabinet
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it

Oh, oh, oh

If you liked it then you should have voted 1 on it
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Don’t be mad once you see the new Cabinet
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Oh, oh, oh

Don’t treat me to soundbites that you think I want to hear!
I’m not that kind of marginal
Your trust is what I prefer, what I deserve

New Tony’s remade, trying to fake me and
a vote for him could mean our destiny, is smuggled budgies and triathlons…
Pull me into your spin, say ‘No Workchoices’ again and again
If you don’t, you’ll be alone
And like Rudd, you’ll be gone

All the swinging voters, all the swinging voters
All the swinging voters, all the swinging voters
All the swinging voters, all the swinging voters
All the swinging voters

Now put your hands up, oh, oh, oh
Cause if you liked it then you should voted 1 on it
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Don’t be mad once you see what you have done
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it

Oh, oh, oh

If you liked it then you should have voted 1 on it
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Don’t be mad once you see the new Cabinet
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it

Oh, oh, oh

To steal by giving

Dr Greg Clarke, co-founder of the Centre for Public Christianity, has written an article for News Limited's online discussion board The Punch commending the translation of the Bible into Aboriginal languages.

Surely the last thing most Aborigines need is a white man telling them about a brown man who might be trying to save them.

White man has introduced many things to Aborigines - some good, many bad. Perhaps it is time that we considered learning something from their culture

If we must translate something why not the Harry Potter series or a Kate Grenville or Tim Winton novel and not the judgmental, instructional hell and damnation of the Bible.

Have they not suffered enough!

These words are actioning my mentalisation

Today I received an e-mail inviting me to attend a "dynamic and comprehensive 10 month leadership program incorporating one-on-one coaching, seminars, residentials, external networking opportunities and action learning projects."

Residentials?
Action Learning Projects?

WTF?

What does residentials mean? It is not a word. I hope that it means they will provide me with a house. If so, I would like a house with a pool, tennis court and separate area for an energetic dog. I could use the big yard for all those action learning projects I will have to complete.

And what exactly are action learning projects? That phrase is pointless. It tells me nothing. Are there inaction learning projects? The phrase is ungrammatical and a perfect example of the weasel-words beloved by governments and people-management consultants.

My suspicion is that these phrases are made up by people who have a very poor grasp of English but a very high self-regard. Clearly wankers or, as they would call themselves, personal friction facilitators.

Why Move Forward when you can be Pens and not move?

In the 2010 Federal Election much has been made of Labor's Moving Forward slogan. Perhaps the Coalition's unofficial slogan, befitting their backwards-looking conservatism, is Stand Still. Be Stationary. That could explain why parents can claim for 'stationary' but apparently not pencils and rulers in the Coalition Education Tax Refund policy.


I hope Labor's Moving Forward package includes funding for much needed spelling and proofreading lessons for political staffers.

Song of the Week

Song of the Week time.

We are currently enduring one of the most excruciating periods known to man, that is, an election campaign. Despite being an avowed psephologist I do not like election campaigns; call me nerdy but I just like the statistics on Election night.

I have no desire to turn the television news on or click on news.com.au and view the lies being told, the deep-seated and electorally unpopular ideologies that are being hidden and the truths that are being massaged, stretched and bent to suit the prevailing mood. I just can’t stand reading about all the promises that each side of politics makes during a campaign.

Which brings me to the timely Song of the Week…



Promises Promises
Music by Burt Bacharach lyrics by Hal David
Stage Musical Version Sung by - You’ll never guess! See below!


Lyrics

Promises, promises
I'm all through with promises, promises now
I don't know how I got the nerve to walk out
If I shout, remember I feel free
Now I can look at myself and be proud
I'm laughing out loud

Oh, promises, promises
This is where those promises, promises end
I don't pretend that what was wrong can be right
Every night I sleep now, no more lies
Things that I promised myself fell apart
But I found my heart

Oh, promises, their kind of promises, can just destroy a life
Oh, promises, those kind of promises, take all the joy from life
Oh, promises, promises, my kind of promises
Can lead to joy and hope and love
Yes, love!!

Every night I sleep now, no more lies
Things that I promised myself fell apart
But I found my heart

Oh, promises, their kind of promises can just destroy a life
Oh, promises, those kind of promises take all the joy from life
Oh, promises, promises, my kind of promises
Can lead to joy and hope and love
Yes, love!!


That linked version above is from the 1968 Musical Promises Promises.
But who was singing?? Some clues:

The performer won a Tony for Best Actor in a Musical.

He is best known to Gens X and Y for his 13 year stint on Law and Order.

That’s right – Jerry Orbach. Who knew?

No cat no sink no upload

Knowing my penchant for animals a friend sent me a link to a website devoted to pictures of cats... more specifically pictures of cats in sinks, exclusively. What’s the website called? http://catsinsinks.com/ obviously. This website's 'No cat no sink no upload' policy is unusual I admit, but you have to admire men, but more likely, women willing to believe in something and fight for that belief; in this instance, the supremacy of pictures of cats in sinks. Genius.

Not a cat lover? Prefer dogs? Then look no further and welcome to http://www.beedogs.com/. This website is exclusively for pictures of dogs dressed in bee costumes.

But this is not just any random dogs-dressed-as-bees website. NoSireeBob it is not. In fact here’s a quote from the website making this point clearly:

“Beedogs.com is the premier online repository for pictures of dogs in bee costumes.”

“Premier online repository” - That is quite an achievement considering how many ‘dogs-dressed-as-bees’ websites there must be out there… Sarcasm aside, I want this doggy.

You know that old saying about dogs and their owners looking like each other? Check this out...

I'm betting this woman is single. And if she is not I bet her partner wishes she was...

I am Woman (well our Prime Minister is)

In honour of Australia’s first female Prime Minister Julia Gillard, pictured at her swearing-in ceremony today, the Song of the Week has to be I am Woman, the powerful, emotive feminist anthem written and performed by another successful Australian woman, Helen Reddy.

2010 has been a big year for the song, written in 1971. The song featured in Sex and the City 2 (it was sung by the cast members when visiting a culture with questionable women's rights) and was also played during the Oscars Ceremony when Kathryn Bigelow became the first woman to win Best Director.

With I am Woman Helen Reddy was the first Australian to have a #1 single in the United States and the first Australian to win a Grammy Award.

I am Woman
By Helen Reddy

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

CHORUS

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything

I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

FADE
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

---

It is such an empowering song that I almost wish I was a woman so I could sing it without getting my gender confused.

On the Road Again

Hi all,

Song of the Week time.

Today is Moving Day! I am moving to my fourth government department in less than two years. My stationery, files and Tintin posters are packed into boxes and I am waiting for someone wearing King Gees or Stubbies to move them to Victoria Square for me.

How naïve I was to think my peripatetic work life might cease when I scored a permanent job. HA! Instead I am… On the Road Again…

On the Road Again
by Willie Nelson

The song title is appropriate but if you read the lyrics Willie seems a bit happier with being ‘on the road’ than me…(that might be due to his marijuana intake though)


On the road again
Just can't wait to get on the road again
The life I love is making music with my friends
And I can't wait to get on the road again

On the road again
Goin' places that I've never been
Seein' things that I may never see again
And I can't wait to get on the road again

On the road again
Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway
We're the best of friends
Insisting that the world keep turning our way and our way

Is on the road again
I just can't wait to get on the road again
The life I love is making music with my friends
And I can't wait to get on the road again

On the road again
Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway
We're the best of friends
Insisting that the world keep turning our way and our way

Is on the road again
Just can't wait to get on the road again
The life I love is making music with my friends
And I can't wait to get on the road again
And I can't wait to get on the road again

Don't worry mate. She'll be all white.

Pittsworth, Queensland made headlines last month when school teacher and senior official of the Ku Klux Klan, Graeme McNeil, was jailed for helping one of his students dispose of his murdered brother's body. The defendant's KKK connection made this story front page news. It also fuelled the perception across the country that northern Queensland has a higher proportion of racist rednecks than the rest of this wonderful wide brown, but very white, land of ours.

Pittsworth 'personality' Penny McKinlay attempted to prove that there was no racism within the local high school community by saying:

“Good God! The deputy principal saved the life of a Chinese girl from drowning at the pool,” Mrs McKinlay said.

Well that puts my mind at ease.

Is there still time for Barack Obama to give his peace prize back?

Eye of the Tiger - Song of the Week

One happy-happy-gay-gay fortnight ago I was feeling, “absurdly happy” and chose the 1960’s glee-filled pop classic Sunshine Lollipops and Rainbows by Lesley Gore as my Song of the Week. This week I am wallowing in the misery caused by the fact that I have been forcefully moved to another department to do a job thatI have very little interest in. The grotesquely corpulent cherry on this pie-in-the-face is that I will have to work with my least favourite colleague, an obnoxious, obese and verbose bore. A Yogi Bore in fact.

What have I done to deserve this? I keep asking myself a question that Travis asked too, Why does it always rain on me? And yes, LeAnn Rimes – I feel Blue too.

But I cannot allow my Song of the Week to assist my slide into misery. Instead I need a self-empowerment song that will inspire (and possibly delude) me. I need to be a Survivor! I need the “will to Survive.” What I need is the…

Eye of the Tiger
by Survivor



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS4giqtbRBM

Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast
You change your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

Chorus:
It's the eye of the tiger,
it's the thrill of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds 'til we take to the street
For we kill with the skill to survive

Chorus

Risin' up, straight to the top
Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive

Chorus

The eye of the tiger (repeats out)...



1 For more info on my colleague Yogi Bear read my blog here http://infense.blogspot.com/2010/02/unbearable-yogi.html and here
http://infense.blogspot.com/2010/01/rise-and-fall-of-yogi-bear.html.

Irony-fisted

Shadow Minister for Immigration and Citizenship, Scott Morrison, MP, is currently responsible for spruiking the opposition immigration policy that seeks to forcefully turn around the often unseaworthy boats of asylum seekers without assessing their claims for asylum. Prior to entering politics, Morrison was Managing Director of Tourism Australia and was paid handsomely to convince the world’s citizens that Australia was the best place on earth and that everyone should come visit. Oh the irony. Perhaps he just did his job too well? Morrison was Managing Director when Lara Bingle asked the infamous question, "Where the bloody hell are you?" The response "Nearly there! I am somewhere near Christmas Island" is obviously not what Morrison was looking for.


Where the bloody hell are your ethics Scott Morrison?



We've saved a spot for you, it's called Nauru.

Do you remember where you were the day that thing didn’t happen?

I received a generic mass email at work today informing me that the new Minister of our department would be visiting our floor within the hour. The email said the Chief Executive will guide the Minister around the floor and introduce him to important people. The email also contained this request “Can we please ensure that our working areas are tidy for this visit” which managed to be patronising, maternal and unnecessary all at once.

My colleagues greeted the news of this walk-and-talk with the sort of excitement and enthusiasm one would expect from a monarchist housewife who had just been told the Queen was about to visit for afternoon tea and was it alright if she brought along that lovely cravat wearing host from Masterchef as well. Desks were tidied, nerves were jangled, rarely sighted ‘intelligent and industrious’ poses were rehearsed and lipstick was reapplied.

As the Minister’s arrival time drew near, my colleagues pretended to look busy, whilst intently listening for the ’ping’ noise of the elevator which heralds the arrival of someone to the floor, today the Minister, but usually a bicycle courier.

Five minutes after his arrival time had passed rumours spread around the office, “The Minister is NOT coming” followed by, “Something urgent has come up” and then finally, “Well if he is going to come, I wish he’d hurry up!” (That ‘intelligent and industrious’ pose is exhausting to maintain afterall…)

And then an email arrived in our Inboxes informing us that the Minister would not be coming. No explanation was provided, that common courtesy deemed not to be required. As the email was read, sighs of relief and disappointment echoed throughout the office. Within a minute office life returned to normal… It was as though it had never happened. Which is true, I guess, because in the end it didn’t.

05 July 2010: Deja vu. Last week I received an email saying the Minister was visiting. Today I received another email cancelling the visit.

12 July 2010: Deja vu vu. Today I received another email announcing a visit by the Minister followed by an email cancelling that visit. Unbelievable!

Song of the Week time.

I am feeling absurdly happy (‘absurdly’ because there is no real reason for this. I am at work when I could be in Paris watching tennis, drinking champagne, debonairly ensconced in Prada and elegantly laughing at witty bon mots with minor European royalty. But I am not). But I digress. I am happy, therefore this week’s song is buoyant, fluffy, fruity, fun, bubbly and joyful. I defy you to listen to his and not smile a little.


The song is the 1960’s glee-filled pop classic…

Sunshine Lollipops and Rainbows
by Lesley Gore

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_v468ptuXw

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together,
Brighter than a lucky penny,
When you're near the rain cloud disappears, dear,
And I feel so fine just to know that you are mine.

My life is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
That's how this refrain goes, so come on, join in everybody!
Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
Everything that's wonderful is sure to come your way
When you're in love to stay.

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together,
Brighter than a lucky penny,
When you're near the rain cloud disappears, dear,
And I feel so fine just to know that you are mine.
My life is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
That's how this refrain goes, so come on, join in everybody!
Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
Everything that's wonderful is sure to come your way
'Cause you're in love, you're in love,
And love is here to stay!

Random facts:

· "Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows" was used in the Simpsons episode Marge on the Lam, and is currently being used by the Red Spot Boutique’s homewares TV advertisement in 2010.

· Lesley Gore is a lesbian.

· Her most famous song was “It’s My Party (And I Will Cry If I Want To) which was #1 and nominated for a Grammy (in the Rock'n'Roll category, which seems odd in these post-heavy metal days)

· She was nominated for an Oscar for a song she wrote for Irene Cara in the film Fame.

· David wishes he could get paid to do this stuff…

ABC! It's as easy as 1, 4, 3.

A senior colleague sent me a Minute requesting legal advice using the following paragraph numbering sequence:

3.2

3.3

3.3.1
3.2.1
3.3.2
3.4.1

3.4

3.4.1

3.5

-----

Inaccurate, if not inventive.

Surely this person knows that 3.3.1 should be followed by 3.3.2 which in turn should be followed by 3.3.3. Also, if there is not a 3.4.2 then there is no need for a 3.4.1. It is hardly rocket mathematics.

In the same Minute it was requested that I provide my advice within the next moth, which might be quite difficult to achieve, but then again, at least I was not given a date to complete this by…



Anyway I cannot sit here blogging all day – I need to try and trap that all important ‘next moth’.

This sentence is rooted

When reading an arborist's report on the health of some local trees this sentence stood out:

There are a total of 197 individual trees identified within the audit, along with 11 further trees which had been removed some time in the past.

as opposed to those trees that had been removed some time in the future...

That’s the way the cookie crumbles…

This morning I witnessed the least successful attempt to dissect a Scotch Finger biscuit ever. It was an ‘epic fail’. A pack of Arnott’s Assorted Biscuits was on the table during a meeting. A new colleague, on only his third day of work, selected a Scotch Finger biscuit and attempted to snap apart the conjoined ‘fingers’, as required by biscuit eating convention. Somehow, he managed to decimate the biscuit, scattering crumbs all over his suit pants, the desk and the carpeted floor leaving barely a stump of biscuit remaining, let alone the two majestic and moreish ‘fingers’ he was aiming for.

I think we should have fired him immediately.

Don't crumb Monday!

No swimming

I received an email inviting me to attend a presentation by a professor named Jim Hendry, from Canada who is speaking about clay-rich aquitards.

Is aquitard just another name for someone who cannot swim?

;)

Yabba Dabba 'I do'

A Flintstones-themed wedding was deemed newsworthy this week. The bride was dressed as Wilma, the groom Fred, and members of the official party and guests dressed as cavemen in honour of the well known 1960's cartoon.

I am not sure if I was more surprised that such a non-event made it on to the news or that someone would willingly associate their special romantic day with such an unromantic theme based on a TV show. If the Flintstones cartoon held some special significance for them, e.g. if their names actually were Fred and Wilma, or the Flintstones saved their lives somehow then it would make it easier for me to appreciate their choice. I would still think was tacky, obviously.

But at least they were not Shrek fans...

No wonder people do not want the 'gays' destroying the sanctity of marriage...they are having too much doing it themselves.

Coveting Coverture aka Chocolate and U

Just last week I was reading a cooking with chocolate discussion forum in preparation for a clutch of chocolate Easter Eggs I was attempting to create. One lady, a serial poster on this forum, was becoming increasingly vehement each time she posted her comments about the utmost importance of using couveture chocolate for glossy frosting/icing on cakes. She exclusively spelled this word without the first ‘u’ (as many Americans do) i.e. ‘coverture’ which is another word entirely meaning the out-dated legal doctrine that states that the very being or legal existence of a woman is suspended during a marriage, or at least incorporated and consolidated into that of the husband: under whose wing, protection, and cover, she performs everything. Ha! There is proof I did pay attention in Law School!

So considering those two words have very different meanings imagine the pedant's smile that spread across my face when reading the following post from the same woman in response to fellow poster BoBaker27’s decision to not use couverture;

“BoBaker27 you MUST use Belgian Coverture Chocolate. It is the BEST!! My husband is just like you and says it does not really matter but what would he know I say! He does not control me!! HAHA I love Coverture”

Insert wry smile here.

Salad Cluedo: Colonel Mustard in the Back Door with the Cucumber

A man from Hong Kong who was rushed to hospital with a cucumber inserted in his rear has claimed he was trying to commit suicide hari kari style. Hmmm... A likely story!

I am not convinced he wanted to die before he was caught, but quite possibly he welcomed death after he was caught...

I guess the only question to ask is: Was it suicide or merely saladincide?

-

Calling Kettle Black Pot

I was asked by a Manager to write a quick informal and internal email with some legal advice. In this response I had to use the phrase ‘decontamination process’ which I accidentally typed as ‘decontaminating process’

The response I got back criticised me for this error (which was inconsequential to the advice given).

The response was:

“Pleas David wathc the correct spelling”

If I was not so unamused by this reponse I guess I would have laughed...