Whose crap is this?

Finally...a book that tells me what animal shat what. I can now curse the correct animal after I step in their poo. We've put a man on the moon and now we've published this book. I'm not sure which is the bigger achievement...

http://www.newholland.com.au/product.php?isbn=9781741106008

The Mennonite Menace

An Amish man has been arrested for sending lewd text messages.



I think he was arrested not only because he sent lewd messages but also because he's Amish and therefore he is not meant to use mobile phones... I have seen many a film where Amish people have been stereotyped so I can talk about this with some authority. Surely you remember "For Richer or Poorer" - it was a bit like Sister Act but without the singing...and the humour...and the box office takings...




But just how backward are the Amish these days? Apparently quite a few Amish people now have telephones, which means that your Amish friends can now be used as a phone-a-friend lifeline on Who Wants to be a Millionaire... And as you can see from the video their horse-drawn carts are quite modern (if you ignore the fact that they are drawn by horses...)

Call me old-fashioned, (or Amish which is potentially the same thing...) but I liked it when Amish people couldn't and wouldn't do things like...um...act like normal people and.... um...go online and read rubbish like this blog for example.

Read more about the Amish way of life here

Metal grins are a sin.

Regular readers of this blog will have noticed that (A): They have too much time on their hands and will read any old crapola as a form of work-avoidance and (B): That I have previously blogged about the Australian Tax Office 100th Anniversary 20 cent commemorative coin which implies (C) I have FAR TOO MUCH time on my hands...

Well brace yourself readers because another 20 cent coin has been minted/munted. As you can see below this new coin commemorates the marriage of Prince William to that 'commoner' Kate.

While it does seem a little retrograde that Australia is commemorating a wedding in England between two non-Australians, my main problem with the coin is the inept an unattractive depictions of Will and Kate on the coin. The pictures on the minted coin look nothing like them. It is as though the Mint asked some unskilled hack, like myself, to knock up the coin during a double metal-work lesson between recess and lunch.

I think the main problem is that the designer chose to depict Kate and Will with open mouths and therefore was required to depict teeth; most numismatic portraits feature closed mouths and for good reason: Kate and Will manage to look both skeletal and demonic with their toothy coiny grins. As anyone who had fillings in their teeth would appreciate - metal and teeth don't look good together.

I suggest that you look out for the coin because the true hideousness of the teeth can only be appreciated in 3D. And when you see how bad it is you will smile. Just don't mint that smile. 'Cos it won't look good.

Plane speaking

I received an email at work informing me that the departmental plane is available for use.

"Based at Port X, the 2008 Cessna 206H craft is an invaluable resource. What you
might not know is that it’s readily available to this department and other
government departments for business solutions."

Business solutions?

I think the word they was looking for is 'flights.' The plane is available for flights. Not business solutions.

Why do people use such wank words?

Tickling your fanny bone...

Wikipedia's Article of the Day was about the Cock Lane Ghost in London. Here is the precis of the page emailed to me.

Fanny scratching in 18th-century London's Cock Lane was so notorious that interested bystanders often blocked the street. It became the focus of a religious controversy between Methodists and orthodox Anglicans, and was reported on by celebrities of the period such as Samuel Johnson. Charles Dickens referred to the phenomenon in several of his books, including Nicholas Nickleby and A Tale of Two Cities, and other Victorian authors also alluded to it in their work. One enterprising resident diverted the crowds that gathered in Cock Lane by allowing them to converse with a ghost he claimed was haunting his home, to which he charged an entrance fee. Fanny scratching eventually resulted in several prosecutions, and the pillorying of a father for encouraging his 11-year-old daughter to take part.

Bizarre.

Please disinfect after viewing

This week I received an invitation to an “art exhibition of delicately embroidered images of viruses at a cellular level.”

To repeat: Embroidered. Images. Of. Viruses.

Viruses!

I imagine that I was not the only invitee who thought this was a bit bizarre and very, very random!

They are rather nice though…

I think the invite should have led with “Sorry to 'bug' you but are you free to…?”

Just a thought...

Iran threatens to boycott the 2012 Olympics

Iran's Olympic committee has threatened that Iran will boycott the 2012 London Olympics because the 2012 logo spells out the word "Zion," a biblical term widely recognized to refer to the city of Jerusalem in Israel a country Iran has a few issues with...

Here is the logo.


The logo is, allegedly, a stylised representation of the four numbers in '2012' the year the games will be held.

I don't know who is more delusional - the Iranian Olympic Committee or the committee that chose thought this logo was worthy of being used for the London Olympics...

In other news the Jerusalem Chapter of Wimmin For Gender-neutral Language have girl-cotted Iran's boycott due to the use of the oppressive paternalism 'boycott'. Their spokesperson Sandy Merkin declared "that the irrational hatred of the wimmin of Iran must be heard."

The Sea the Sea-D.

Around the World Yachts-teen-person Jessica Watson has released an album through Sony. Thankfully she is not singing and thankfully it is not a recording of whale calls she heard as she bobbed around the oceans. The album is called (deep breath) "Jessica Watson: Songs from the Pink Lady - The Music That Accompanied Jessica Around The World" so it is essentially a CD of songs some teenager likes.

So many questions...but I will just pose one.

Who would buy this??

My Twenty Cents Worth...

Australia has a new commemorative 20 cent piece. 'Ooh', you must be thinking, it must be celebrating the anniversary of a defining moment in our country's history or perhaps to honour some worthy dignitary or even a selfless volunteer group that's donated time and money to helping others.

WRONG!

The coin commemorates the 100th anniversary of the Australian Taxation Office.

What's next - a coin to celebrate the anniversary of the GST?

Why would they mint this? Who really cares?

The coin does not even have the benefit of being aesthetically pleasing. It looks as though it has tape-worms crawling over it...

I should think that considering it is honouring the Tax Office the 20 cent coin should only be worth about 12 cents...

Weird Books make excellent Kris Kringle presents!

Struggling for Christmas presents at the last minute? Might I suggest one of the following fascinating and weirdly-titled books?

Why Do I Vomit?

What Not to Wear on a Horse

What Moles Tell You About Yourself

teach your WIFE to be a WIDOW:

A wise and comprehensive guide book for all wives prudent enough to prepare for that time when they may become head of the family.

How to Start your own Country

SOAP through the ages

The Popular Book of British Seaweeds

(which makes me wonder how dull the 'unpopular' Book of British Seaweeds must have been...)

The Great Pantyhose Crafts Book

Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Mind Power:

How to Use the Other 90 % of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts

Make Your Own Sex Toys:

30 Quick and Easy Projects with Step-by-Step Pictures. A Personal Guide to a Better Sex Life.

(WTF? Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! )

Jewish Chess Masters on STAMPS

This must have been the sequel to 'Finnish Poker Champs on COINS'

The Humanure Handbook:

A guide to composting human manure.

Forensic Examination of Rubber Stamps

Erotic Dots:

Join the Dots to Create 69 Sexy and Exciting Pictures

(Hilarious! I want to see a porno Paint by Numbers next!)

Who Cares About Old People

The Recently Deflowered Girl:

The Right Thing to Say on Every Dubious Occasion

Remember Your Rubbers!:

Collectible Condom Containers - with values.

(This book comes in it's own slipcase...)

Castration: The Advantages and Disadvantages

(This version is complete and unabridged... :P)

Cadaver Dog Book:

Forensic Training and Tactics for the Recovery of Human Remains

(Apparently the working title for the book was FETCH!)

The Beverly Hillbillies Bible Study

(I'm offering a prize to anyone who can tell me what this book could possibly be about)

Anticraft:

Knitting Beading and Stitching for the Slightly Sinister

All About Scabs

and finally..................

50 Ways to Use Feminine Hygiene Products in a MANLY MANNER (for the Self-Assured Male)

Empowering Decorative Mannequins

So I was trawling through the internet for a new job when I came across this advertisement which made me laugh and then disturbed me a little…
(I have emboldened the funny bits…)

Elaine Adams is an Adelaide based company that specialists in residential and commercial cleaning services. We recently rebranded to have the Company Director's name at the forefront of the business; with the main reason being that she became so proud of the company that she wanted to put her name on it. After breaking away from also specialising in decorative mannequins we began focusing on our cleaning services to the Adelaide community.

It is our strong belief that we should help the world through the empowerment of volunteers. As a result, we have recently commenced the Elaine Adams Volunteer Program (EAVP) which aims to empower volunteers to gain more experience and skills in the business world. Through a mutual agreement we hope that by providing us with your skills we can forward them and/or give you more to take away with you when you leave the team.

As a result of our rebranding and company restructing we are seeking a
Marketing Officer. This new and exciting position is not only flexible, but informative and full of learning objectives.

It was advertised on gumtree. It must surely be dodgy. But it sure is amusing.

I am tired of getting 'Knocked Up'

It is Monday. I wish I was not at work. I wish I was at home, sleeping. I have not felt this tired since, well, at least last Monday…

I am knackered, dog-tired, bone-tired, I’m beat, burned out, dead on my feet, drained, drooping, droopy, drowsy, flagging, haggard, pooped, spent, plum tuckered out. I’m worn out. It is surprising that people who are apparently so tired have the energy to create so many euphemisms and synonyms to indicate just how tired they are.

But let me tell you about my favourite ‘feeling tired’ euphemism which amused me as a teenager. My step-grandfather, whenever my Grandmother was worn out, would say that she was ‘knocked up’. Considering that getting ‘knocked up’ is a euphemism for falling pregnant my sisters and I found quiet comical. If my grandmother was enduring a particularly taxing outing my step-grandfather would say that he better get her home before “she gets knocked-up” which would provoke my sisters and me to arch eyebrows, smirk and sometimes squeal with laughter.


Another source of amusement in those days came from the fact that my grandmother slept with my Uncle. Don’t be too aghast! Let me explain… When my grandmother began ‘stepping out’ with the man who was to become my step-grandfather I was encouraged to call him ‘Uncle’, seemingly because it was not ‘proper’ for a child to address an adult by their first name. However, by the time that they married the name had stuck which led to some strange and worried looks on the faces of my friends’ mothers when I would blithely announce that my grandmother and my uncle were married to each other and slept in the same bed… .

Bagging the PM

Australia's first female Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, won, if that is the word for such a knife-edge result, the first election ever contested by a female leader of a major political party. This was another milestone moment to please the hearts of the socially progressive (statistics show that female Premiers elected by the party room between elections have not been so lucky come polling day.)

Despite winning the election the Prime Minister has clearly still not won the right to rid herself of The Australian newspaper’s regressive, taunting scrutiny. Glenda Korporaal’s post election-result article ‘Julia enjoys the high life free of old bags’ is dedicated to the fact that the Prime Minister is rarely seen with a handbag. The writer, and the newspaper she works for, clearly considers this to be an issue worthy of mention and discussion.

The articles states that most woman carry handbags and infers that the PM considers herself to be apart, perhaps better, than the average Australian woman because she does not tote a bag. “There is an air of royalty about her that assumes someone else is following along answering the phone, parking the car, taking notes and paying for whatever needs to be paid for.” I do not recall seeing any of this country’s male Prime Minister’s carrying a briefcase, satchel or manbag. I do not recall bewildered articles in newspapers commenting on this fact and the existence of assistants employed to ‘assist’ them when they had held the office of most important public servant in the country.

The ‘journalist’ also uses the piece to snidely reference Julia Gillard’s childless state “it is certain our first female Prime Minister has never had to go through the tote-bag-as-mobile-nursery routine that is the lot of mothers of young children.”

What has raising a child got to do with carrying a handbag, and what does carrying a handbag, or not, got to do with running a country?

And more importantly what does writing articles like this have to do with journalism?

Frogging the memory

From my office window I watch people trying to cross the four lanes of traffic travelling in both directions on the road below. It is a bit like watching someone else play a game of Frogger.

Not being at the controls of the arcade game is nerve-wracking because some people seem to dawdle across the road oblivious to the on-coming traffic. Other people, usually teenagers, duck and weave through the traffic like Frogger maestros. I just hope that I am not looking out the window one day when it is GAME OVER for one of the players on the street below.


Thinking about playing Frogger as a child reminds me that much of my childhood was associated with frogs. My favourite chocolate was a frog-shaped chocolate, the Cadbury Freddo Frog,

my favourite computer game was Frogger, my favourite character on the Muppets was Kermit the Frog

and my favourite book was Kenneth Grahame's The Wind in the Willows where the main character was Toad

(yes, I know, not truly a frog but close enough surely especially considering he was so often represented as being more froggy than toady).

I am at a loss to explain why 1980’s children grew up in a world disproportionately filled with green tailless amphibians. But why explain it when you can simply embrace it?

I still love eating Freddo frogs. I considered it, and still do consider it, the greatest indulgence to eat a Freddo. When I was young the Freddo was a parentally approved special treat; apparently its small size would not ruin my appetite or my physique. Every year I purchased the Freddo show bag at the Royal Show and I would cherish the Freddo toy that came with it. Sure it was all crap – but it was Freddo crap and that made it special.

Whenever we dined at the Red Apple Restaurant (sigh! How I miss thee!) I would order Frog in the Pond for dessert, that is, a Freddo frog standing proudly in a pond of green jelly. Heaven in a bowl for a five year old. As a child I ordered a Semifreddo dessert at another restaurant and spent the rest of the meal trying to not let my parents see the disappointed look on my face as I searched in vain amongst the custardy cream mixture to locate the half of a chocolate frog I had ordered – and been promised!

Obvious news

So glad they added that it was 'against the law' otherwise I would have thought it was a story about legal-illegal camping.

Courtesy of Media Watch

Those Nazi muscle groups

Old conversation with a friend about the pain his body is experiencing due to his exercise regimen.

Josh: I've been working out 6 days a week, doing opposite work loads on alternate days

David: Ok.

Josh: I didn't have a problem last week. So I am unsure why it is hurting now

David: maybe your muscle groups have formed an Axis-style coalition against you

Josh: hahaha

David: ve protest in zee strongest possible manner against ure phzeeical regeeme

Josh: lol

David: ve vill not stand for zhis - hell ve can barely even seeet

Them ones' spellen misteaks

Two people sent emails to me with grammatical errors today.

Firstly I was informed that…

A list of the boards are provided below.

List is singular! It should be ‘is provided below’ And let's not forget that apostrophe for the boards i.e. boards'.

And then a senior legal officer sent me this asking…

What is there status? Their status!! That phrase would only work if I was a Roman named Status during the time of the Caesars and my questioner was asking, “Why go to Adelaide for a holiday? What is there, Status?

Not to mention the fact that the stationery cupboard’s name is Stationary Cupboard.

Breathe deeply David. Breathe deeply.

Up Urs! (ula)

This work email amused me…. I think there is a word missing.

_____________________________________________
As we get acclimatised to working within our new divisions, just a small point that Ursula has asked me to pass on re communication processes.

· if you get a direct request from an ED or the CE, please put the draft written response back through me. This will need to go up Ursula.

_____________________________________________

Ouch! Poor Ursula!

Now that's a Paper Cut!

Song of the Week - Election Special

It's Song of the Week time.

The federal election campaign continues and on August 21 we will have to choose between political candidates who are all singing the same tune:

“Would I Lie to You?”

But in the spirit of the election I am giving you the choice of either the Eurythmics or the Charles and Eddie versions of songs titled “Would I Lie to You?”

or

Exercise your democratic right and tell me which song you prefer!


(includes obligatory high-drama 80’s music-video intro)

Eurythmics

Lyrics

CHORUS:
Would I lie to you?
Would I lie to you honey?

Now would I say something that wasn't true?
I'm asking you sugar
Would I lie to you?

My friends - know what's in store.
I won't be here anymore.
I've packed my bagsI've cleaned the floor.
Watch me walkin'.
Walkin' out the door.

(Believe me - I'll make it make it)

CHORUS

Tell you straight - no intervention.
To your face - no deception.
You're the biggest fake.
That much is true.
Had all I can take.
Now I'm leaving you

(Believe me - I'll make it make it)

CHORUS repeats

My friends - know what's in store.
I won't be here anymore.
I've packed my bags
I've cleaned the floor.
Watch me walkin'.
Walkin' out the door.

CHORUS






Charles and Eddie

Lyrics

Oh baby oh would I lie to you?
Look into my eyes
Can't you see they're open wide
Would I lie to you?

CHORUS
Look into my eyes
Can't you see they're open wide
Would I lie to you baby?
Would I lie to you??...oh yeah
Don't you know it's true
Girl there's no-one else but you
Would I lie to you baby?
Would I lie to you?

Everybody wants to know the truth
In my arms is the only proof
I've hidden my heart behind the bedroom door
Now it's open I can't do no more
I'm telling you baby...
You will never find another girl in this heart of mine

CHORUS

Everybody's got their history
on every page - a mystery
You can read my diary you're in every line
jealous mind never satisfied
I'm telling you baby...
You will never find another girl in this heart of mine

CHORUS

When you wanna see me night and day (would I lie?)
If I tell you that I'm here to stay (would I lie to you?)
Do you think I give my love away? (would I lie?)
That's not the kind of game I play
I'm telling you baby...
You will never find another girl in this heart of mine

CHORUS

Trust me baby
Hey aint no-one else but you child
Come on, Come on, Come on...
Trust me babyI wouldn't lie to you baby

---------------
Random facts:

Eurythmics’ song was released 25 years ago (1985) and only made it as high #17 in the UK, #5 in the US but it was #1 in Australia.

The Charles and Eddie song was released in 1992 and reached #13 in the US but #1 in the UK and Australia. It was knocked from the #1 spot by Whitney Huston’s I Will Always Love You

Charles and Eddie were American. Charles died of cancer in 2001 aged 37. Eddie wrote songs for 90’s British girl group Eternal

All the Swinging Voters - Election Beyonce parody

All the swinging voters, all the swinging voters
All the swinging voters, all the swinging voters
All the swinging voters, all the swinging voters
All the swinging voters

Now put your hands up
Up in the booth, I just voted
I’m doing my own little thing
Decided my vote and I’m gonna stick
Cause no other party seduced me

I’m up on Tony, But not on Bob
Why don’t we pay him any attention?
I’ve made my decision, for three more years
Ya can’t be mad at me

Cause if you liked it then you should vote 1 on it
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Don’t be mad once you see the new PM
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Oh, oh, oh

If you liked it then you should have voted 1 on it
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Don’t be mad once you see the new Cabinet
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it

PM’s got gloss on her lips, de-facto on her hips
He styles her hair, gives it that salon sheen
But leaks are up, Libs are Standing Up
This election is a close run thing.

PM ‘s on a mission, It’s Game On
The real Julia will get your attention
Cause the polls liked her at first, despite that nasal twang
but will that be enough to stop that swing?

Cause if you liked it then you should have voted 1 on it
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Don’t be mad once you see the new Cabinet
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it

Oh, oh, oh

If you liked it then you should have voted 1 on it
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Don’t be mad once you see the new Cabinet
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Oh, oh, oh

Don’t treat me to soundbites that you think I want to hear!
I’m not that kind of marginal
Your trust is what I prefer, what I deserve

New Tony’s remade, trying to fake me and
a vote for him could mean our destiny, is smuggled budgies and triathlons…
Pull me into your spin, say ‘No Workchoices’ again and again
If you don’t, you’ll be alone
And like Rudd, you’ll be gone

All the swinging voters, all the swinging voters
All the swinging voters, all the swinging voters
All the swinging voters, all the swinging voters
All the swinging voters

Now put your hands up, oh, oh, oh
Cause if you liked it then you should voted 1 on it
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Don’t be mad once you see what you have done
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it

Oh, oh, oh

If you liked it then you should have voted 1 on it
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it
Don’t be mad once you see the new Cabinet
If you liked it then you shoulda voted 1 on it

Oh, oh, oh